10 January 2010

When it Rains...

We all know the old adage, "When it rains, it pours", and how true that is.

These past months have been challenging for me to say the least. While I have tried to find time to keep you updated on the happenings I haven't always had the time.

I almost had the job of my dreams, but ended up taking on a different job within the same company. So not only am I doing something I had no intention of staying in, but I have had many headaches and undue stress because of it. There have been complete staffing changes, changes in policies and procedures, and oh ya someone told me they were going to do everything they could to get me fired.

During this I of course needed to also be the shoeless mommy. Making quality time for kids when you are rushing home and trying to whip up a dinner that can hopefully be passed as almost healthy, trying to help with homework and get the laundry on, all before 8:00, is a challenge.

Throw on that getting medical tests on both kids at the hospital. Yes I know be grateful I finally got an answer to why Lil Miss turns blue. The reality is though medical tests on your children is emotionally exhausting for normal people, never mind people like me who lost a child already. Trigger trigger trigger.

I was also dating just one shoe. I thought he may be sneakers. Or I thought he was someones sneakers, just not sure if they were mine. I think I referred to him here as "old shoes".

Well here's the thing. I have been shoeless for a long time now, and trying to build a relationship, well it's harder than I remembered. Or maybe it's that there is so much more going on now than there was before.

I watched as each day began to blend into the next and dread filled me at the thought of needing to return to work the next day. I began to feel as if I wasn't able to spend anytime with Mister or Lil Miss and began to miss them terribly. Old shoes was vying for my attention as well and clearly not understanding of how thinly spread I was feeling, regardless of my attempts to tell him.

Then there it is. Christmas. I LOVE Christmas don't get me wrong, I really do. Wow did I drop the ball with it this year though.

Normally I am the freakishly chipper person that has a tree put up in November, just after Remembrance Day. This year I came incredibly close to not putting up a tree at all. Honestly had it not been for JP I probably wouldn't have. She did however threaten to kick my a$$ if I didn't get it up. So a couple days before Christmas it went up and then right after it came down again. It felt like a waste of time to only have it for a few days.

I was tired and sad and I didn't want to celebrate yet another family holiday without ALL of my kids there. (my way of saying I was missing Love)In spite of this Lil Miss and Mister both proclaimed it to be the best Christmas ever.

Old shoes was feeling on the outside. He doesn`t have kids so he couldn't`t really understand everything going on in Shoeless Mommy Land. So he did what he felt was the right thing and while telling me how much he adores me, went on Plenty of Fish and began to talk to another woman.

He told her he was single and hadn`t dated much since his divorce. That the last date he went on was in August. He told her he wanted her in his life and how beautiful she was. He said a lot of things.

How do I know.... when she found him on facebook she saw he was dating me and sent me a message. She also sent me all the chat logs from her msn chat history so I saw details. I saw a lot of very hurtful things.

You know if someone just hurt me I could deal and be fine. The truth of it is though because I had put him in the friend zone at first, he knew my kids. When I told Mister that we were not dating anymore he began to cry. He broke Misters heart too.

I can`t help but wonder how other shoeless mommies do it. how do they juggle everything all the time. How do they work full time, be a good mommy, maintain the household, have time for friends, and try to have any kind of relationship and not burn out.

I would write more but I have to be up in the morning with the kids for church, and need to plan a twinless twins birthday party with the one day off I have this weekend, in between the lunch with friends and mountains of housework. Oh and prepare for the meeting with my boss and the person who is trying to get me fired that I have next week.

I promise the next post will be much lighter!

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