shoeless mommy

Norway, Place My People Came From

2011-07-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I watched The Shipping News and that night a line stood out for me

What place on earth could be
better than...
the place your people
came from?

I was born and raised here in BC Canada. My mother and her mother were born here, her mother before her was from England but any family ties there have long since passed. My Grandpa however was born and raised in Norway, on a small farm on Dalsfjord.

My mom and grandpa just spent 3 weeks in Norway spending time

with family and seeing the country. We still have ties there,

growing up my taunta Ingaborg came and stayed with us and

through the years I have had the pleasure of meeting different relatives from this country around the world.

We grew up hearing stories that continue to live on in this

country which I can't help but imagine as a slower place to

live. Like the story of Bjorn Fjell (his real name btw

translates in English to Bear Mountain) Bjorn and his wife lived on the mountain near my family's farm and one very stormy day he and his dog went to the prayer house (this was before the church was built) and

not wanting to leave his dog in the storm brought him in to sit by the door. Someone else in the prayer house told Bjorn "You can't bring him (the dog) in here! To which Bjorn responded "That's OK he doesn't mind" The year was about 1850. Bjorn and his

wife never had children so they had no one to pass the farm onto. The foundation of

the house is still there but the land stands vacant.

One of my favorites though is that of my great

great grandmother. She married a man 20 years her

senior and when he passed on she married a man 20

years her junior. He apparently doted on her and

was very much in love with her. My mom was telling me that her aunt said now that is the way to do it!

So here is this country that I have never set foot on, whose beauty I only know of through pictures

and stories. But here is also a country that MY

people are from. I can't explain the connection I

feel to Norway because I'm not entirely sure it

makes sense.

Friday morning when I went to work my heart broke. I saw on twitter that there was a bombing in Oslo, Norway. The government building was bombed. This is the same building my mom and

grandpa had been in just a few weeks before... we had just watched the video of the

inside. My cousin Anna works just around the corner from here.

the whole ground shaked at our cafe, my colleague nd i got so scared (central station/buss terminal, the place where the next bomb wud obviously hit), we couldnt close the cafe cos sum1 had accidently taken the keys wif her home, in the end they evacuated the whole station. on my way home i walked past several smashed windows :o

I couldn't understand what was happening. A terrorist attack? Why would anyone attack Norway? This peaceful country who take care of their own, where police officers

don't even carry guns.

Reports of 1 fatality, then of 4... People were still trapped that number looked like it was going to rise.

Then I really felt sick. Another attack, but this time on a youth camp. Kids being

shot at point blank range. A police officer? This made no sense.... Police in Norway don't carry guns.

By the end of my work day I heard that 7 had died at the bombing and 9 - 10 at the

camp. My heart broke for this country where my people come from.

I had read that a group called The Helpers of the Global Jihad had taken

responsibility but later learned that it was a Norwegian that committed this act of

terrorism.

In the end it was politically motivated Anders Behring Breivik who was responsible

for the deaths of 93+ souls. The atrocities of this will forever change Noway, the

same as the Twin Towers changed the States.

Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg was working from home Friday and was unhurt.

Thankfully a lot of people weren't there because it's summer vacation and because it was Friday and they left early for the weekend.

"It is impossible to comprehend, it is like a nightmare. Words cannot express how I feel," Stoltenberg told a press conference Saturday.

I will just leave this with these words. Norway, place where my people come from, you are forever in my heart.

Going Gluten Free!

2011-06-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

It all started about 4 months ago. I had an allergic reaction... a pretty bad one. It took about a month to recover and 4 different prescription medications.

I have no idea what I reacted to. Was it something I ate? Was it something environmental? Was it a combination of things? I really don't know.

It takes months to get in to see a specialist here. I have been on a waiting list since the beginning of March to see an allergist and have an appointment June 7. I tried to get the date moved up but apparently they only do that for cardiology patients.

In the mean time I have been trying to figure out what I am reacting to on my own. This has included things like going on a rice diet and introducing foods again one at a time.

One of the big things I found out? Gluten is so not my friend. Here's the thing, once you cut things out and try them again you really notice the reaction. What I found was if I eat breads I get bloated and feel like my head is in a cloud. I really find it impossible to focus on anything.

It got to a point I was afraid to eat. I have actually uttered the words, "I'm giving up food." Constantly feeling sick and dealing with my throat being itchy... it didn't feel worth it. Of course I can't really give up food, but I can pay attention to what is making me sick.

My mom has a lot of food allergies. So many that I think the list of food she can eat is shorter than what she can't. Close to 20 years ago she had really extensive allergy testing and it showed she can't have red meat, dairy, gluten, carrots, corn and the list goes on. I hate to say it but my body seems to be following suit. I already know I can't eat red meats, gluten or corn.

The thought of a drastic change in diet was really overwhelming to me. Aside from the cost, the thought of preparing two separate meals (one for me one for the kids) just seemed like too much! I remember trying my moms rice bread as a teenager and how dry it was, I didn't want to sacrifice the ease of toast or a sandwich. I can't possibly give up baking!

Then today I went to the grocery store. I found a rice bread mix, and thought the $12.00 price tag could be worth it and decided to give it a try. (It seems 1 loaf of rice bread is about $5.00 so if I could get 3 loaves out of it it would pay for itself) I was skeptical I won't lie. But much to my surprise it was both easy to make and tasted just fine! It wasn't dry at all, and it didn't crumble all to pieces on me either!

It gave me a sense that it is possible to go gluten free, and it's not going to be as hard as it was for my mother 19 years ago. Not only are there more products available now but there are even support groups like celiac.com

I can't actually give up all glutens just yet because it seems you need to be eating it in order to test for Celiac or Gluten Intolerance. At least I have hope now that it can be done

To Heck With Dating

2011-06-04T00:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of dating.

There I said it.

I'm not interested in another "friend". I have friends, what I am looking for is someone to spend my life with. So I'm thinking what I am really interested in is courting.

So what's the difference you may be asking. Well to put it in simplest terms it is dating with purpose. There is intention behind it.

Take the time get to know the shoe first, see where his priorities lay. See if our values and morals mesh, find out if he is able to offer what I am looking for. Spend time in Courtship building a relationship that would ultimately lead to marriage.

What I want is a God honouring relationship. I want a man who I can spend time with reading the bible and in prayer. I believe a relationship built on solid ground is one that will last. I believe it is important to be equally yolked.

I will be the first to admit I have tried relationships where there were fundamental differences in beliefs and I know they don't work. Not for me anyway.

Now the difficulty is finding a man on the same page as me.

Truth be told Cookie is still lurking in the background. I know he will be reading this and I'm sure this post will come as a surprise to him. Here I am putting myself out there on-line and haven't talked to him about any of this. Well there are lots of conversations that probably need to take place there still. I think he's a pretty special guy though and will be OK with that.

What I need to remember in all of this is that ultimately God is in control and the timing is all His. My sneakers are out there somewhere.

Singles, Marrieds, & Crocks

2011-06-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Is it OK for singles to hang out with members of the opposite sex that are married?

Chances are as soon as you read that you answered automatically. It's not a question you had to think about. What surprises me is that there are a lot of people that don't answer that the same way I do.

To me, it is a matter of integrity. I don't allow (or try not to) put myself in situations that could be deemed in any other light other than what is intended. So it also means that I don't spend time with a married man without his wife present. Does it mean I don't have friends that are married and men? No. It means I choose not to spend time with them alone, or have intimate heart to heart conversations with them without their wife present.

There are lines, and while very fine it's important not to cross them. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where even if there was nothing to hide people around me started to wonder. Why would I open myself up to being "the other woman" even if only on an emotional level.

This is somewhat a controversial blog post for me. If you have been one of my readers you will notice that I haven't written anything for a number of months. This blog was supposed to be for fun and to talk about dating as a single mom. While I really didn't have any trouble writing about shoes (men are like shoes) when it was nothing serious, I didn't really want to write about someone I really cared about. (Well and when I know the shoes are reading it's a little weird)

So hear is where I introduce you to Crocks.

Crocks and I had mutual friends for something like 15 years. He had dated a friend back then and went on to marry another lady have 2 kids and is now divorced. Crocks and I met this year for the first time and hit it off right away. There were sparks and lots of gooey feelings. Certainly more than I would like to admit.

Problem #1 - Mutual friends.

Gossip and opinions ran rampant. Hurtful things were said about both of us. Friendships ended.

Problem #2 - Married Friends & Boundaries

This was really the big one. Well for me anyway. Remember I said he dated a friend of mine many years ago? Well she is married with kids now and does not share my view on appropriate boundaries in marriage and neither did Crocks. Worse yet she had feelings for him and let him know. Crocks knowing this still encouraged a friendship with her that was wholly inappropriate. For her this was an emotional affair. When he should have been encouraging her to turn to her husband he encouraged her to spend time alone with him.

Can you see where this ended up?

Well not that the entire situation is ended just any involvement on my part is. There was heartbreak and confusion and again friends lost.

I wasn't going to write about it at all but now that there has been some distance from the situation I decided to talk about it. I learned a very valuable lesson in this. It is important to make sure the person you are with shares your morals and values. Even more important is as the bible says to guard your heart. It's not wise to throw all caution to the wind in these matters. Slow down and ask questions get to know the person and where they stand on these issues.

So now that you know my little story I will tell you. He is Crocks because while he was comfortable and seemed to offer support, really he was full of holes and had no grip ~~on reality.~~

Go Canucks Go

2011-06-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

The Canucks scored!

Wow we are in the Stanley Cup finals! We just won the first game... It's like a dream really. We have hungered for this moment. The swells of hope from deep within each of us is now surfacing. After years and years of our hopes and dreams being dashed it really feels like it's already ours.

This past year Canadians have reclaimed this unofficial national sport, first at the winter Olympics and now with the Vancouver Canucks.

Who could forget that great moment at the Olympics in Vancouver as team Canada played Slovakia all the while the Canadian spectators chanting, "WE WANT USA!" and we did go on to play the States and take the gold.

Now here we are again, playing one of the original 6 NHL teams, the Boston Bruins. It feels like a wonderful dream. The energy is electric, I guess in that sense it feels like the Olympics, we believed we would own the podium and for the most part we did. We were alive and on top of the world, and still are. It is impossible to believe anything other than that we are already taking the cup home where it belongs.

I say where it belongs because it was originally from Lord Stanley - Governor General of Canada. He too had a love for the game. The last time Vancouver had the coveted Stanley cup was in 1915, back then we were known as the Vancouver Millionaires. Of course officially we didn't have an NHL at that time.

There have been years it was hard to be a Canucks fan, I'm not going to lie to you. Remember a few years ago when Vancouver went ahead and prematurely started planning the victory route for the Stanley cup? Or how about in game 7 against New York for the cup last time, when the puck deflected off the net and we all thought it went in? It cost us the game and really, it was down right embarrassing. Still through all the losses and all the jersey changes I have cheered our boys on, praying that the moment would come when we finally bring home our cup.

Don't mistake me for being a cocky Canadian here. I know it's going to be tough. Tonights game was really something, both goalies were amazing. (Love you Lou!) It's just that this is something we all want so badly it is impossible to believe for even a second that it could go any other way.

*side note* quick point of interest Canucks won first in 7 games, then in 6 games, then in 5 games.

Soooooo who is with me in saying we should take this one in 4 games? It's a great year for Hockey. (I know lots of fans want to take it in 5 so the Canucks can win it at home)

Falling In Love

2011-01-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

How do you explain faith?

How can you say why you feel what you do or why?

Well for me it's like this:

On-Line Dating!

2011-01-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

On-line dating good or bad?

I've met a few guys this way and while I haven't met my sneakers this way my BFF did. She met him and like a week later they were engaged, and have spent everyday together since. That was 7 years ago.

Most of us are not so lucky in love. Well at least I haven't been.

The potential of on-line dating opened up a whole new world for us didn't it? It was a way to put yourself out there without really putting your self out there if you know what I mean. It's not like meeting new singles (ahem after a certain age) is so easy.

We go to these sites in good faith trusting that the profiles we look at are other singles looking for the same thing we are, some sneakers. The reality is though this is not always the case. People lie. I know I said it and it's shocking isn't it! I know none of you would lie on a profile... would you?

Well here you go just to prove how important it is to be careful the news has the face of Thomas James Newman all over it. This 36 year old man goes on these sites to meet women, goes out with them a few times and then does stuff like STEAL THEIR CARS! Seriously? Ya what a pathetic bleepity bleep.

This is the guy.

Apparently he's not that smart because he actually uses his real name before taking off with his dates cars, laptops, or whatever it is he can get his hands on. It seems they are linking him to 6 different accounts of theft in the Vancouver area.

So this is where I say be careful. Don't just take everything at face value, use your common sense, and if you don't have common sense follow these tips:

Always trust your instinct -- after all, it's gotten you this far in life already
Take your time and look at lots of different profiles to get a feel for what kind of person you want
Never publish your phone number or email address
Don't take anything at face value -- it's easy to lie online, and many people do
Ask lots of questions when chatting with your potential mates
Make sure you feel comfortable with whoever you are chatting with, at all times
If someone is abusive or rude, block them immediately
Don't give your home or work address to anyone you have not met in person
Before agreeing to a date, make sure you know as much about the other person as possible
Don't allow yourself to be talked into anything -- you're the one in charge
Take your time to get to know someone -- don't be rushed
A patient person will be happy to wait until you are ready to meet
Make sure anyone you're talking to is willing to provide photos and information about himself or herself
Ask your date to leave a message on your voicemail beforehand, if possible
Chat on the phone for a while before arranging a date
Always meet in a well-lit public place
Always tell a good friend where you are going and who you're meeting
If possible, step away and call a friend during the date to confirm that everything is ok
Always carry a cell phone on a date
Schedule lunch dates -- they're convenient and they have a time limit
Always make your own travel arrangements to/from a first date
Do not accept a ride home on the first date or reveal your address
If you're traveling far, always make and confirm your own hotel arrangements
Make sure you have as much information about your date as possible
Keep your first date to a specified time limit so you always have an "exit" point
Never feel like you owe it to someone to meet them -- you don't!

Now with that in mind happy shoe shopping and may you find your perfect sneakers!

We Have ALL Had Those Shoes!

2011-01-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

Well I survived the holiday season once again!

Though the shoes did not. OK I called him Cookie but I finally figured out what kind of shoe he really was for me. I think you will get a kick out this one because I know you will relate.

Imagine this: you are walking through a store when you happen out of the corner of your eye to see these super cute shoes. These shoes are just fun and have the perfect toe, they look comfy so you try them on. Wow they even seem to fit, but there is one thing.... they don't really go with anything in your wardrobe.

Of course you bought the shoes. You could go out and look for a new outfit to wear with them right? Only you can't find anything that really goes with them after all. So in your closet they sit month after month.

You find yourself every few weeks trying them on but when it's time to go out it's not with them. How long do you keep these shoes? Will you ever really be able to make them work with your wardrobe? Well I hate to say it but it's not the wardrobe that's not working it's the shoes.

So there you go the shoes didn't fit with my wardrobe, that being said I would totally pass them on to a friend if they worked better for her.

Christmas In Heaven

2010-12-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be close to friends and family and enjoy all around merriment... for most of us.

Then there are those who are alone or missing someone who's absence is painfully felt. Feeling alone and rather unnoticed they put on a smile hoping no one will notice amongst the busyness of the season. Chances are no one will.

There is so much constantly going on in our hectic lives already, can we really be expected to slow down enough to pay attention to the widow next door, or the co-worker? There is soooooo much to do, the shopping isn't done, the Christmas baking not even started, the Christmas cards still need to be mailed, then there are Christmas parties to attend and preparation for family coming from out of town.

Take a moment and stop. This song has been playing on the radio and it makes me all out bawl every time I hear it. Not good since I'm usually driving at the time.

Who cares if they get a Christmas card really? The house doesn't have to be perfect for company and do you really need to get more presents?

What is it that matters to you?

Why not just stop, look around and see how people are really feeling? You may just look over and see that someone is driving in their car in tears because they are wishing beyond anything that they could have someone with them, and are wondering what Christmas in heaven is like.

Budgeting Christmas

2010-11-29T13:02:00.000-08:00

Being a single mom means living on a budget. There I said it, now it's out there.

I know everyone is on a pretty tight budget these days but the reality is I don't get child support for my kids so the not-for-profit company I work for is the income I have to stretch every month. It's the kind of work you do for love and not so much money.

Normally I am out shopping all year round looking for great deals for friends and family so November and December aren't as stressful. This year was something else entirely.

I could talk to you about how my car broke down right after sending Mister to camp. Or how the first week of school I needed to come up with over $100 for a school camping trip. Then there were the hot lunch orders at another $100, never mind the school supplies, uniforms, and tuition's.

Well it's been a rough year. Lets leave it at that.

So how am I going to handle Christmas? Well I have a plan.

First let me introduce you to Advent Conspiracy.

Cool Eh?

So One little magazine and for a little over $100 I was able to get meaningful presents for my family. Mister asked me if I could de-worm a community for one of his presents :) That will be $50, and guess what that one they buy a community new shoes to prevent parasites from getting into their feet.

It's painless and it means something. It's also cheaper than going around trying to find something that they will probably never use.

It also teaches things like social responsibility to the children. I like taking these opportunities where ever I can. I think it's important to teach your children to look outside themselves and see the needs around them.

Another idea I have really gotten into this year (and please hear me out on this one) is thrift stores.I know the stigma attached here but seriously just hear me out!

Where else can you find a collectors Star Wars watch new in box and pick it up for under $10.00?

Or how about this great find? S/N Thomas Kinkade! In a Sally Anne auction you know it's going to sell way under value!

Going to thrift stores is a lot cheaper than going to an antique shop, but really there are some of the same finds.

OK so tell me what are some of your tricks for budgeting Christmas?

Lets talk cookies & shoes

2010-11-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

You have all watched as I have attempted the navigation of the dating world over the past 2 years. There have been a lot of different types of shoes out there. Mostly I have come across gum boots and slippers, with the occasional sandal, flip flop, ballet shoe and stiletto.

*If men are like shoes then the following is true:
Gum boots - covered in ~~Shit~~ crap and not very revealing
Slippers - comfortable but you wouldn't wear them out in public
Sandals - Only good for summer
Flip Flops - not much to them
ballet shoe - cute but don't offer any support
Stiletto - great to be seen with but ouch!
Sneakers - The perfect shoe for everyday, you can wear them anywhere and they offer great support

Well as I mentioned previously I have met someone who I didn't want to call a shoe, so I called him Cookie. Ya that completely threw me off! I also didn't want to write about him. I didn't want to share him with the world. For just a little while I wanted to keep him all to myself.

Is he a sneaker? Well as the definitions go so far I would say so.

He is thoughtful and sweet. Cookie knows who he is and what is important to him. He has goals and dreams and a plan to attain them. He is fun and quirky yet down to earth. Cookie is easy to talk to and listens well.

Ya basically I am thinking he's pretty much the bees knees.

Finding someone I actually want to keep around brought up something else for me. I realized I needed to be able to open up and set aside fear of being hurt if this is to go anywhere.

It would be easy to guard my heart and keep Cookie (and anyone else) at a distance, but in the end never taking a risk would mean never moving forward in any relationship. I didn't realize how guarded I was until these past few weeks. I needed to make a choice; stay distanced and remain alone, or take a chance and see where things go.

So for today I am choosing to be open, and if my heart gets broken again well I already know I will survive it, and my life will be all the richer for sharing it.

Children's Stories

2010-11-21T16:22:00.000-08:00

Some days a good clean up around the house can reveal certain hidden treasures.

How it is that these things come to the surface several moves later and many hours of housework later I don't know but there you go some of Misters old school work surfaced.

This particular treasure is more specifically from Mister's grade 1 class back in 2006. I love the stories he would write they are a lot of fun to revisit, and I thought I would share a little with you.

Once upon a time there was a ghost He me mt a girl he scared the girl Then they becalne friends.

Here's another one

The Fire Station by Robert Munch

My favorite part was when she had a bath in for 5 day. he had 3 days.

One day a gorilla He had blue eyes All of a sudden his eyes tor green and his eyes tor blue Thee End

Once upon a time there was a FdAfrish that I had heat vision. He destroyed the seweed.

One day there a eagle. his name was Dolph. Dolph is going too have a dirthday was coming soon

I love all the spelling mistakes and the creativity of his little 6 year old mind!

Morning Funnies

2010-11-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

I received this e-mail this morning and had such a giggle I absolutely had to share it with everyone!

If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

I've just published a book on D.I.Y. It's blank and comes with a free pen.

I saw my mate today, he's only got 1 arm bless him. I shouted, "Where you off to?"

"to change a light bulb" he said. "That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt!!!

I was standing in the queue today in Asda/Wal-Mart and a voice announced "Checkout no. 45." I've seen better.

If a woman says she's wrong, is she still wrong?

I really just can't stand mustard. Ever since that bastard came at me with a candlestick in the billiard room.

A little boy knocked on my door and said, "Is Jimmy coming out?" I said, "I doubt it mate, he's only five. He hasn't even tried women yet".

‎"Breasts awareness day." What a joke

I'm a man.. every day is breasts awareness day.

When my dear old Nan finally passed, I thought, "Football's not for her."

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

My grandson took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner is fickin furious!!!!

I just saw Toy Story in 3D... the guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.

Walking back from the pub last night, some little shit threw grated cheese on me; I thought 'That’s mature'!

These were from someones Facebook account. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

No Wonder I am Going Grey!

2010-10-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Mister gave me a new grey hair today.

After a perfect Saturday morning consisting of a lovely sleep in and some serious shoe shopping (K really if you live any where near Mission BC go to the Shoe Warehouse because I have never seen a sale that amazing! I walked out with 6 new pairs of shoes including 2 pairs of Sketchers and a pair of New Balance for uber cheap) when I stopped into JP's house to show off the new goods.

Mister decided he wanted to go home (I live next door) so I handed over the keys. The little bug (11 years old) told Gamer Boy I won't get in trouble if I start the car and turn it off right away.

WHAT!?!

Ya so Gamer came over and told me because his 11 year old brain started flashing bright warning lights and loud sirens went off saying Hey wait a minute this may not actually be a very good idea.

That's the moment I flew. Well flew home anyway.

Confronting my son he said "Well I only turned it on for a second!"

Oh my gosh what in the world could he have possibly been thinking? How could he have ever thought I would be OK with him turning the car on? Did not one possibility of what could have happened enter his head?

Well thankfully no one was hurt or dismembered... and the carport remains in one piece. Though Mister did have like 100 lines to write... I will never start the car again without my mother's permission. I figured that was a good start.

So let me ask you if that was your kid what would you have done?

He's Not Shoes... He's a Cookie

2010-09-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

So there is a guy lurking in the background. Normally at this point I would be telling you what kind of shoe he is and why.

Usually I would get to know someone a few times before deciding on the shoe and then would let you know. Someone who is comfortable to be with but with no attraction is a slipper, because while they are comfy I don't necessarily want to be seen with them. The stiletto is opposite, really great looking but ouch! Ballet shoes are cute but offer no support. Sandals are only good for summer. Flip Flops have nothing to them and Gum boots are not very revealing and covered in shit. Really my search has been about finding the elusive sneaker. That shoe that offers support and I could wear anywhere!

You can imagine my surprise when after going out with this guy that I didn't want to call him a shoe. Not only that but I didn't want to share him here. I just wanted to keep him to myself.

As you can see from my title he's not shoes... he is cookie and that is what I am going to call him here. There is a reason I promise and if anyone really wants to know why, leave me some comment love and I will post about it.

What can I say? I have actually had phone conversations that have been about absolutely nothing that have lasted for hours. Cookie is sweet, thoughtful, and yes yummy.

While I think this is all I am ready to share I can tell you there will be more to follow, just not tonight. After all Cookie is someone I suspect will be around for a while.

Eight is Enough

2010-09-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well thank you to JP from Rants n Rascals for picking me for 8 is enough! It's one of those weekly memes intended to keep you blogging.

Essentially she has asked me 8 questions that I need to answer and then I choose 8 new questions to ask 8 other bloggers.

Well here we go!

1.) Tell me one thing you remember most that you loved about having your first child? What was the thing you loved least?

Oh lets see 11 years ago Mister came into this world, and there were so many things I loved about having him. I loved that first moment I held him in my arms and gazed into his big blue eyes. I loved that he was fixated on words, he seemed to be passionate about language right from day one. I love that he slept through the night at 4 days old.

Loved the least? ummmm projectile poop. 'nough said.

2.) What is your favorite blog post of yours and why?

HA HA HA Ya that would probably be "Did I or Didn't I?" really it was kind of a funny situation.

3.) When you were a kid what did you dream of being when you grew up? How close did you come to accomplishing that?

Me? well I know this would be soooo surprising to anyone who knows me but I wanted to be an actress. I did some stuff in high school like a dinner theatre production of Moliere's "The Imaginary Invalid" and directed a piece called "Bar & Ger". Yes I did get a standing ovation lol. The closest I actually came to doing it though would be a Disney movie called "Angels in the End Zone", I was an extra. I did get paid for that though so you can't laugh.

4.) Who was your first love ever?

Stephen Holling. I was 15 and madly in love, well as in love as a 15 year old can be anyway. We were together for like 3 months and he died.

5.) Tell me the number one thing you love about blogging and why?

The idea of being able to release every day stress while sharing with other people who may be on a similar journey.

6.) What is the most romantic thing anyone has every done for you? Describe to us about it.

Hmmmm.... tough question here. Thanks for that JP. Just for that I will have to say it had nothing to do with a cannoli. Wow you know getting engaged doesn't make the list for this one, strange you would think it would have, just goes to show that he was not my sneakers. No I think it's more about the little things. Maybe like the heel who before we were living together knew I was sick one night with a sore throat so went out and bought like 4 packs of Halls and left them on my car for me. Or Aaron who would wake me up with a bouquet of flowers.

7.) If you had to choose between A) jumping out of an airplane B) eating a spider or C) walking naked down a busy street holding a sign that says “Have you seen my clothes?” which would you choose?

You know the really scary thing here is this one is a no brainer for me. Of course it's C!

8.) Name your favorite television show you love to indulge watching and why?

Seriously it's Grey's Anatomy! Seriously you want to know why? Seriously? It's the only TV show I know where a guy's penis got broken. Seriously.

OK my turn!

Mother of Pearl it is

Candaces Book Blog

Kid Summers

Life in the Pitts

It's your turn! Here are your questions:

1) If a person who plays piano is a pianist, should a race car driver really be called a racist? discuss.

2) If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go right now?

3) Who is the most brilliant person you know?

4) What kind of shoes are you wearing? (I want full descriptions including make and colour)

5) Would you want to win really big in the lottery?

6) Are you in Love or Lust right now?

7) K what do you think of Uggs?

8) What are you most passionate about?

School Starts Pass the Tissue

2010-09-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Oh that first day of school.

While I know there are mommies out there that don't understand the water works, it's only because they have yet to walk a mile in my shoes.

Lil Miss started kindergarten last week. I brought her in to class and I was feeling OK, I had thought I was going to get through dropping her off without the water works.

I was alright up until the moment I told the teacher she had her first wiggly tooth. Mind you it came out more like "She has.... her.....her.....fiiiirrrrsssstt ....*sniff*...wigggggglllllllllllyyyyyy TOOTH!" ending in full blown sobs.

Yup it was just way too much growing up all at once for me.

Well and taking her there brought me back to the beginnings of Love and Grace. There was a definite absence bringing her there alone. Never mind with her first wiggly tooth.(and yes she did loose it at school)

I can't describe what is like, all the things that came to mind. This is the same baby girl who's bedside I sat beside waiting at one point to see if she would live or die. The same little girl who had 2 echo cardiograms, countless ECG's, a 24 hour halter monitor. The same baby girl who would turn blue. The same little girl who only a year ago was developmentally assessed at being 1/2 her age.

But now my job isn't just caregiver to this little girl it's being full blown mom. I know that's not a statement that makes any sense to anyone who hasn't been there but I am sure any mom who has had a sick child would understand.

You know in so many ways it feels like I missed out on so much with her because I was so focused on things like trying to get her to gain weight or catch up developmentally, or figure out what was going on with her heart.

So yes I cried, and I cried hard. I cried for all we have been through. For the relief of where we are today. I cried for Love who didn't go to his first day of school and who won't have a wiggly tooth.

So if you saw other moms crying at something you think only needs to be celebrated, just remember you haven't walked in their shoes.

The incredible shrinking woman

2010-08-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm shrinking.

I wasn't very tall to begin with and now it's official I am shrinking. I can't afford to get any shorter seriously.

It came as quite a shock and I think my head is still reeling from it all.

Had I been some amazon beauty perhaps this wouldn't be an issue. Then I would have a chance to find a man taller than me. But the reality of it is I only started out at 5"1 and now I am not even 5" tall.

As a kid I was in a horse back riding accident and while I can't tell you exactly what happened due to the concussion I can tell you I escaped with a giant hoof mark in the centre of my back.

As a teenager I began to have back pain. I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis and went to physio therapy to help.

It has been an ongoing thing. Truth be told I don't think a day goes by where I am not experiencing some level of discomfort because of it. I have been living with it for years and try not to make a big deal about it, and even have a tendency to push myself.

I work in a job that requires repetitive heavy lifting. I am at a point now that I am beginning to question if this is something that I will be able to continue to do.

I know I could push through and do this for a few more years, but if that is causing my spine to curve more or compressing the vertebrae, then it's just not worth it.

I haven't seen the Dr. yet... I guess I am a little worried about what he will say. What if he tells me I need a new job? What is it that I am going to do? I still need that pay cheque to do things like feed the kids.

I just need to remember that God has a plan in ALL things. Who knows maybe this too will be a blessing in disguise.

Mercy Ride

2010-07-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Imagine the open road, the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Cruising along on your motorcycle joined by 75 other riders all coming together for one common cause.

Throw out any preconceptions of who you think will be here because you will find everyone from politicians to career bikers. Yet it happens every year with The Salvation Army's Mercy Ride

So what is the Mercy Ride all about?

Mercy Ride is an annual fundraiser (now in it's 5th year) for the Salvation Army Gateway of Hope, located in Langley BC. Money raised helps to interrupt the cycle of homelessness by providing guests with food, shelter and even some vocational training. Guests are given a safe place to go, where each person's needs are looked at individually aiding them to move forward in life.

Everyone here has a different reason for being a part of this ride. In the end though all that matters is that by participating each and ever rider has made a difference.

If you would like to know more about the Mercy Ride click here

Not Such a Simple Question

2010-07-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

I was recently out having coffee with a nice enough looking pair of shoes and as it was the first time we had gone out it was a bit of the 20 questions game. Really that doesn't bother me so much, but there is always that one awkward question that is asked, and it is usually asked fairly early on in a discussion.

I never know what to say and almost panic a little when it comes. My mind flashes with different responses as I try to read the situation enough to decide how to answer this time. I know my answer changes frequently depending on who I am talking to and how well I know them.

Are you curious what kind of innocent question gets me so worked up every time? How many kids do you have? That's it.

In case you are a new reader here one of my twins went to heaven as a baby, I also have a son that is 5 years older. There are those that will read this and they will say you have 2 kids not 3, why are you making a big deal about that? (Yes someone really did say that)

Well I could put it this way... If your mom died she would still be your mom. No one would ever assume you never had a mom. Well in the same way Love is one of my children he just happened to beat me to heaven.

So when someone asks me, "How many kids do you have?" one of the first things I try to assess is am I ever going to see this person again? Are they going to be a recurrence and ask about kids? Am I going to have to spill the story at some point?

Going out with those shoes I quickly decided that it would be best to leave Love out of the conversation. I wasn't feeling too hopeful about where things were going to go at that moment and nothing brings down a conversation quicker than talking about the death of a baby. So I told him I have 2 kids. No explanations. If I was wrong and we got along then surely he would understand why I wouldn't go into it right away.

Someone I work with who asked I decided they are going to find out about this and better to know up front so then I would answer "3 - 2 with me and one in heaven." Then if I mention something about a twin pregnancy they aren't looking at me like I'm on glue.

I know a woman who also lost one of her twins and she would answer 3. People would look at her see only 2 and ask where the other child was and she came up with the answer she's with my mom. No one would have known her mom had also been promoted to glory.

I think one of the biggest challenges with it is how others react. If someone told you they had 3 kids but one was in heaven, the reality is you wouldn't quite know what to say. No one does. Just don't treat moms like me as if we are contagious or sit and feel sorry for us. I hate the look people give me when they find out.

The thing is I stress out about how YOU are going to react if I answer honestly. For me it's just a matter of fact, and I will say it that way. I'm not usually going to break down in tears and become some weepy mess. There was a season for that, but that's not where I am today.

So there you go it all comes down to me being worried I'm going to make you feel uncomfortable because of a tragedy in my life! K now tell me now if you are a mom to angel babies like me how do you answer the dreaded question? If you are blessed and didn't experience the loss of a child how would you react to answers like mine?

Damn Gumboots

2010-07-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned before how much I dislike gumboots?

Just as a friendly reminder the whole premise of being the shoeless mommy is that men are like shoes and well I don't have any steady shoes in my life.

Different kinds of men relate to different kinds of shoes, while I am searching for that elusive pair of sneakers all I seem to find are shoes that seriously don't fit. They either give me blisters or are like gumboots. Gumboots of course are not very revealing and covered in ~~shit~~ feces.

I save that very special honour for married men looking for a little something on the side.

I met one such man recently. At a BBQ a few days ago. Did I mention his wife and very new baby were there?

This particular pair of gumboots went so far as to announce to a group of people he wasn't feeling to happy at home and was interested in looking elsewhere for some action.

Do vows mean nothing anymore? Are they just empty words that really mean I'll be with you until things get a little hard or until someone better comes along?

I know having a baby changes things. Intimacy can be difficult especially if the recovery process takes a little longer than normal and if you add any complications to the pregnancy that can add to it. Throw into the mix a lack of sleep and adjusting to a whole new person who is solely dependant on you and wow it's almost a recipe for disaster.

K I clearly had some of those issues myself... as the heel (aka the x) was with someone else while I was stuck on bed rest and then by the babies sides in the hospital. I can recognize it's a trigger for me.

How little respect can a man like that have for any woman? Clearly gumboots isn't showing a whole lot of respect for his wife and child and sees other women as nothing more than an object of lust.

It's after meeting yet another pair of gumboots that I begin to wonder if there are really any sneakers out there. Is my search for sneakers purely in vain?

Spill It!

2010-06-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Purses. They are amazing things really. Without one I feel a little lost. I love that they come in different shapes and sizes, different colours and fabrics.

Your purse can reflect your mood and yes even your stage in life.

Having little kids means carrying a larger purse. I need to have those snacks on hand or wipes for sticky fingers and noses, and there was a day when even an extra change of clothes for one the the kidlets could be found in my purse.

As I was digging through my purse I thought hey this could be a blog post. The contents of my purse. Those things I at some point deemed necissary to have on hand at any given moment. So here we go I am going to spill it.

Today I found my cord for my laptop, even though my laptop was at home, a napkin, my car insurance papers, a birthday card I just got from my grandma, a hairbrush, a mcdonalds temporary tatoo, work id badge, hairband, my wallet, chocolate pudding, ibuprofine, digital camera, a cord that may or may not connect my camera to my computer, A novel (Drowing Ruth by Christina Schwarz), Silver bookmark (great that means I lost my place in my book again!), a pen, Craisens, A pamphlet on Canada celebrations for next week, an address for a meeting I had a few days ago, a take out menu, my sons CAT test results, a pamphlet on soccer day camps, a church bulletin, a cheque stub, a couple random receipts, and oh another pen.

OK now that I have fessed up lets see what you got! Time to Spill it.

What is the strangest thing you have in your purse right now?

A Boy Named What?

2010-06-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

My daughters hamster reminds me of the famous song, "A boy named Sue".

Let me take you back a couple weeks.....

There I was at work (I run a thrift store) when in came a very pink hamster cage. Oh so pink and girly, it would be perfect for Lil Miss!

Mister had recently gotten a hamster for his birthday and Lil Miss was asking for one too. I thought hey this could work well... It was the perfect ~~bribery~~ incentive to get her to keep her room clean.

So yes I bought the very pink girly hamster cage showed it to Lil Miss and let her know what it was going to take for that cage to have a pet in it.

Much to my ~~surprise~~ delight it worked! She had immediately gone and picked up her room and even kept it clean. I only wish I had thought of it sooner.

Last night it was off to the pet store to look for the new found friend for my daughter. It didn't take long for her to spot one that she rather immediately fell in love with. And how could she not spot the hamster he's the size of a guinea pig!

I know you think I am exaggerating here but I'm not. This thing is huge!

The store clerk asked Lil Miss what she was going to call it and Lil Miss never missed a beat when she proudly announced "Daisy Husha!"

Did I mention the hamster that suffers from a slight form of giantism is also a boy? And yes Daisy lives in a very pink very girly cage.

While I think he looks more like a Bob, it is Lil Miss's pet and well what can I say he's a boy named Daisy Husha.

Ever Feel Like This

2010-06-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just feel like Wow what have I gotten myself into? It seems over the past year I have been saying that a whole lot. Well or maybe it's more of a there just aren't enough hours in the day kind of thing.

There are reports to write that quite frankly leave me feeling with that sinking sensation of I am way over my head here, housework that I always seem to be 2 steps behind in, events to plan, schedules to juggle, and then there are the kids.

Not that I have anyone to blame but myself. I was the one who took on a fairly crazy job and then promptly found ways to triple the workload while also finding it necessary to cut back on staff hours. In the long run it's for the best, it's just getting there.

Working full time, being a single mom, finding time for friends, participating in church events, constantly on the go and still I give myself a hard time because I have still not found the time to paint my living room.

Well and really it just struck me if I do things like read a book (an absolute luxery for me) I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I should have been more productive by scrubbing toilets or something else that is just as glamorous and appealing that is also on the current must be done, do not put this off for one more minute list.

Why should I feel guilty, really I need some down time at some point too.

I do not think this is just me that gets caught up in that. I think lots of women who are trying desperately to juggle the work of a thousand different job titles feel the same way.

Well I say to heck with the guilt! Go ahead read another blog post or novel, soak in that tub and eat those bon bons! You work hard you deserve it! (and if its alright for you then its alright for me too right)

Oh the STUFF

2010-06-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

I saw this video earlier today when it occured to me this really represents my life. I have stuffToo much stuff. Not only that but I work in a thrift store which essentially is all about getting peoples stuff and selling more stuff to other people.

.

Hope you enjoy this as much as I did!

They Have A Heart

2010-05-22T15:39:00.001-07:00

As you know earlier this week I was invited to attend a round table with Maple Leaf Foods to talk about the tragic summer of '08 Listeria outbreak that claimed the lives of 23 Canadians.

My expectation was a bunch of suits with a PowerPoint presentation talking about statistics, perhaps finding a way to pass the buck. My expectation was that there would have been very little real change. My expectation was that Maple Leaf Foods would portray themselves as any other faceless, cold corporation.

I was wrong.

Keep in mind when Love (my youngest son) died from a bacterial infection he got from the hospital there were 6 hospital reviews. I sat in meetings with hospital staff who were cold and skated around issues. They lied and contradicted themselves often. My experience told me this round table would be the same, but it wasn't.

As Sharon began to speak what became apparent was the heart of this company. You could see the human side, that everyone was deeply affected by the tragedy that had passed and that the heart of this company was to ensure nothing like this happens again.

Well and not just that it doesn't happen within Maple Leaf Foods again, but that lives aren't lost over this within any company. There have been other outbreaks in Canada since 2008 within different companies and it was refreshing to see that Maple Leaf takes that step to contact the companies to share what they have learned to prevent this from occurring again. They truly are doing everything they can to be the global leaders in this area.

When my son died I can tell you for 100% that the hospital was not following protocol and that is what ultimately led to his death. With Maple Leaf I have to say people need to know, they were following protocol. They were doing everything they were supposed to and yet this tragedy still occurred.

You may not be aware of this but the slicer that was spreading the listeria, it was being cleaned to manufacturers specs. There was one small seal, about the size of a loony, that they were told if they broke the entire machine would not be covered by warranty. Behind that one little seal laid the culprit that was spreading this deadly bacteria.

How easy it would have been to have laid all responsibility with the manufacturer of this piece of equipment.

This is where my respect comes in. They took responsibility. Maple Leaf foods had the courage that seems all but forgotten these days to stand up and say, I am sorry.

How could I not respect a company that can accept responsibility when something goes wrong even after everything they did was right? Especially after I watched the hospital do everything wrong and never accept responsibility, only make excuses and lie.

My readers did ask a few questions and I would like to answer those now.

How are products transported?

They are transported by refrigeration trucks. Many of these trucks have temperature recorders in them to ensure they maintain a healthy temperature. Some companies such as Walmart have a protocol that they are to take the temperature upon receiving any goods.

How are staff trained?

Maple Leaf Foods is currently piloting a new training system that works kind of like a Wii. Each staff is given a controller and they are asked a question or given a scenario and they need to use their controller to select the correct answer. If one of them gets it wrong a second similar question or scenario is given to try again. Instructors know who answered which questions right or wrong and are then able to work with them on that. Oh and apparently there is a lightening round at the end!

Wow way to keep it interactive and make sure everyone is paying attention!

Oh yes and if you are curious there is annual training for all employees or more often as needed. As well there is a weekly 10 minute safety meeting each week.

How do you connect with stores to ensure things on their end are done correctly?

OK I have something much lengthier written out but I was writing so fast even I can't read it lol sorry! I can tell you they have presentations with the different stores such as Overwaiti

What has changed and why were these things not being done before?

This one is long so I'm going to use the point system.
-Slicers all replaced
-Visual Pinpoints
-Physical Barriers between stations to help prevent any spreading
-120,000 tests performed last year (that's 70,000 more than CFIA required)
-8:30am everyday there is a phone call that takes place to talk about test results from previous day
-Ethics phone line in place for employees in case they have concerns

There was more that I'm not going into right now but if you want more details follow this link

Before this outbreak they were following everything they were supposed to, as it turns out Canadian Food processors haven't been under a lot of stringent code, there perhaps hadn't been the need until now. Maple Leaf has been hunting down to learn more about best practices to ensure this doesn't happen again within any organization.

Did you do anything for the families of those who died or for those that got sick?

While they were unable to openly to discuss this I can say that there was a lawsuit settlement for both the families who lost someone and also for those who had lost wages from the illness.

What measures are in place to keep everyone accountable and following protocol?

With rigorous testing in place they are able to keep a close eye on employees. They did things like set up an ethics phone line for any employee who notices that perhaps someone isn't following protocol. If someone isn't playing by the rules it's simple, they are fired. Public safety comes first.

Maple Leaf Foods is claiming to have taken a leadership role, How are they passing along what they have learned?

Well for starters they hosted a symposium to share what they learned with other food processors, 125 people shared data including CFSI.

Maple Leaf has also called the competition if they had an outbreak or recall to see how they can help and also to pass on more information.

They have raised the bar for acceptability and are going to be the first regulated under the BRC or British Retail & Consortion. Essentially to be ready for Audit everyday because this would ensure that the plants would not know when to expect an audit.

I attended this round table with rather low expectations. I have to be honest I have never gone out of my way to buy Maple Leaf products, but in the end they gained a customer.

What Every Family Needs To Be Strong

2010-05-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

I received this e-mail today and wanted to share this with you. Hope you like it!

What Every Family Really Needs to Be Strong...

"When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need-words that will help others become stronger."

Ephesians 4:29 (NCV)

Just for today: Couldn't all words out of my mouth only be the strengthening words? Words that nourish their bones and muscle their hearts.

What if I tried to change nothing in children but I focused on only this: Let the tongue speak only the words that make souls stronger. Like Oxygen, couldn't just speaking strengthening-words change the whole atmosphere?

It's a dark night weeks later. I turn out the last light and a voice calls through the dark.

"Mama?"

"Yes?" I wait still in the black, hand on a light switch.

"Thanks...for the way you made me feel today."

It's the words, the strengthening words, the I-will-build-you-up-until-you-stand-so-tall-you-can-see-Jesus-here-and-in-you-and-even-in-me-words. I lean into a door frame and tonight I get to smile and I fill with the full life, light in the dark.

Grace words make the weak-us stronger.

by Ann Voskamp

Private vs. Public

2010-05-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

I often have people ask why I chose to have my children go to a private school as opposed to public.

I guess I should start with the honest fact that I am a bit weird about my kids education. No seriously. When I found out I was pregnant with Mister I began looking into different schools. After all some of the best pre-schools had waiting lists 3 years long already.

Mister never did go to preschool. Costs and being a shoeless mom meant that I had to work and driving to and from a preschool wasn't a possibility with work. But he sure did go to some great daycare that challenged my smart cookie. (Did I ever mention he could spell at 3 years old?)

I looked into the regular public schools in the area as well as schools of choice, and private. If you aren't familiar with schools of choice they are public schools with a focus on a specialty. This could be anything from a traditional school, to french immersion, or even fine arts schools.

After coming to the realization that at the time paying for a private school was just not going to happen, I eventually enrolled Mister in a fine arts school of choice. Mister has a real creative side and is especially talented at writing short stories and I felt this school would help him flourish. I could see that my child needed to be somewhere that he would be able to learn to express himself, and what better way than through the arts.

Demand for that school was high and in order to enroll him I needed to camp out in line in front of the school from Friday to Monday morning in January. Please keep in mind I live in Canada. It rained, it snowed, it hailed, it was just plain cold. The good side to this was I had an opportunity to get to know the parents of the kids that my child would be sharing a class with.

I will say I loved the kindergarten teacher. She was fantastic! I was however less than impressed when the kindergarten kids were left out of the concerts at the school. Hello? It's a fine arts program why would all the students not be a part of the concert?

The thing is I had so much personal buy in into this school... after all I had been willing to sleep in my Toyota Echo for an entire weekend to get him into this school. There was a waiting list to get in, and my son had that coveted seat in the school and not only that any future kids I had would automatically be enrolled.

By Grade 2 I was beginning to have major issues with the school. Mister was way ahead of the other students and began to get in trouble because when he finished all his work he would talk to the other kids. Unfortunately he was done way before anyone else and the teacher didn't know what to do with him. Mister's work ethic began to slide. He was bored and it really affected him.

Grade 3 was better. Misters teacher went that extra mile and even taught the 8 yr old children basic algebra. Now she knew how to challenge them. I really started to see other problems though. For a school with a no bullying policy, there was a lot of bullying that was being permitted. I have other friends whose kids go there and I know it is still an ongoing issue.

I still found that the performances at the school were not necessarily as inclusive as I thought they should be. A lot of things were really geared towards kids in the higher grades.

It was the end of grade 3 when the government started making changes towards the Corren Agreement. There are some things that I have to say really need to be taught at home. Especially for young children. I don't think issues such as a persons sexual preferences need to be taught to a 5 year old, regardless of what they are.

So once again I looked into the private schools. Finances still being an issue, I didn't know if I would be able to put my kids in a private school. Still I looked.

I went to the 3 private schools in town. The first while a fantastic program, didn't have financial assistance and really was out of reach for us. Another only had one seat left for grade 4. Then there was Cornerstone.

Small class sizes, (I think the grade 4 class was 12 students) an education based on the morals that I am raising my children with, an honours program, and they still have an athletic department and pretty good fine arts program that really is inclusive.

Mister who had picked up so many bad habits and attitude from second grade had a teacher who was able to give him the attention he needed to really turn things around.

A school with something like 90 students from Jr. K through grade 8, meant all the kids knew each other and regardless of age and class they all played together on the school grounds. I watched as a community of students rallied together in support of one another.

I was a noon time supervisor that first year and was amazed at the dynamics of the school. One of the big bonuses to small classes... I can add the teachers to my facebook friend list and keep up on everything through e-mails!

The real truth about it though was that there was a change in Mister. In the public school system he was getting hard. He was getting an edge to him that worried me. After he started Cornerstone even my mom noticed that he was softening. There was a real change there and for that I was grateful.

Being in a Christian school my son also began learning more about God. He became a prayer warrior. Mister absolutely prays without ceasing, and one of the biggest fights between my kids now is who gets to pray before dinner. Now that's what I call a good problem.

I remember the first Christmas concert at Cornerstone, I was absolutely amazed! It truly was inclusive. All the children had a part to play, even the little Jr. Kindergarten kids were on stage singing. The level of performance far surpassed anything that I had seen at the Fine Arts school my son had previously gone to.

So why do my kids go to Cornerstone Christian School? Well at first it was so I would know what it was that my children were learning. So they could go somewhere with the same morals and values that I was trying to instill at home.

We stayed because in the end my son is in an educational facility where he is thriving, somewhere that challenges him.

Oh and the uniforms make it easy to pick out what to wear in the morning :)

If you live in the Abbotsford area and want more information Call Miss Pacleb 604-859-7867. By the way they do have a 1 year full scholarship available for kids who have never attended a Christian school before.

It's Sick!

2010-05-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

My Computer is sick.

Blue Beauty was plugged in whilst I was typing away when rather suddenly the warning message came up, "Battery Low".

Umm.... Hello?

Sure enough there it was sitting at a whopping 3%.

Well long story short my computer is being shipped off back to Dell to get healthy again.

I feel completely shut off... I can't blog, I can't tweet, I can't attend to my crops on farmville, and I can't check my e-mail. So please don't feel as if I am being neglectful, I will be back in full force in about 10 days.

The upside to this is that I have actually had time to pick up some good books, and some not so good books. I'll make notes and then post about them soon.

For now I am just borrowing my neighbours computer for a minute so I have to run!

Maple Leaf Foods

2010-04-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

August 2008 brought with it more than the heat of summer, for Canadians it also brought a deadly outbreak of listeriosis.

If you are not up on some of those deadly bacterias let me tell you a little bit about this one. It's a bacterial infection that is present in foods like milk that is not processed or in things that are processed such as deli meats.

Reading a bit about it I found similarities to the E-Coli type infection that killed my youngest son. It also has an 80% survival rate... that is unless you become septic. Of course they didn't directly say septic when talking about Listeria. They said goes into blood stream and causes meningitis. Sepsis of course is when the bacterial infection goes into the blood stream. Essentially (based on experience) the bacterial infection spreads through all your organs causing multiple organ failure and things like meningitis and enlarged hearts. I assure you I would never wish this horribly painful death on my worst enemy. The survival rate for sepsis is a whopping 20%.

Maple Leaf foods was found to have sold contaminated food in the summer of 2008 which resulted in the following:

38 Confirmed cases of listeriosis across Canada (22 in Ontario, 4 in B.C., 2 in Quebec and 1 in Saskatchewan).
30 Suspected cases (16 in Ontario, 10 in Quebec and 4 in Alberta)
9 Confirmed deaths caused by the outbreak (all in Ontario)
11 Suspected deaths (6 in Ontario, 2 in Alberta, 1 in B.C., 1 in Sask. and 1 in Quebec)

On May 19th of this year Maple Leaf Foods is hosting a dinner for 25 influential bloggers to discuss the changes that have been made to prevent further tragedies. A question and answer time will be presented to help rebuild the confidence in this 73 year old company.

As surprising as this was to me I was invited to attend this evening. What I would like to do is represent you the reader. I would like to go and ask the questions that you want answered.

So leave me some comment love and let me know how I may help to be your voice for this one!

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2010-04-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

I read this today and wanted to share this with other momma's that have suffered loss.

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have work in the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

- Author Unknown

Tassimo

2010-04-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Being a shoeless mom I am always on the lookout for ways to make my life just a little easier and practical ways to enjoy the little things in life.

As I am the only coffee drinker in my home I hated making a pot of coffee with no one to share it with. Seriously if I didn't have kids I would never cook, I don't like making stuff for just me. Why would I when it's just so much easier to go out?

Here's the thing, having kids means just running out for something (like that cup of coffee) isn't that easy. It would require finding coats and shoes for 3 people loading everyone into the car unloading them at the store, and then listening to them whine about how they want everything in sight.

Yup that quick little 5 minute trip turns into a 20+ minute ordeal that inevitably leads to loss of all sanity.

I Love Love Love coffee. It's wonderful in it's warm comforting goodness. Yes I am a little quirky that way.

I had been looking at the Tassimo Hot Beverage System for a while but balked at the cost. After all I had a perfectly good coffee maker at home. How could I justify spending so much money on something just for me?

Well I found myself standing in Walmart staring at this beautiful piece of machinery (yet again) and decided well I could put it in my cart while I debate it a bit more.

I tried to talk myself out of it... What if I couldn't get disks to make it work? What if I couldn't get a good selection of drinks for it here?

I then found myself in the food isle when low and behold there were the disks. And yes they had the Latte as well as regular coffee and hot chocolate.

I just knew it was meant to be.

Yes I brought it home with me. This after all was going to save money on stopping at 7-ll or Timmy Ho's for coffee. And certainly these disks would be cheaper than the $2-$3 for each coffee. Yes it was the only responsible thing to do.

The excitement was almost more than I could bare!

When I got home I opened the box cleaned it up and tried to make my first coffee! In my mind this was going to be just a little piece of heaven.

Only something wasn't quite right.

Water was spilling out and the disks remained sealed.

Where oh where was this little piece of heaven? Why could I not get this to work? This is supposed to be user friendly? Just a push of a button? What's wrong with me that this is happening? Wasn't this just meant to be?

After rereading all the directions and asking my dear friends for help I found the cause of this problem. The machine was missing an entire section... the one that pierces the disks and essentially makes the whole thing work.

Here's the part where buyers remorse kicks in.

I just spent how much money on this machine that doesn't work? What was I thinking?

I NEED serious instant gratification! Rather regrettably I didn't get it.

Feeling the need to vent my disappointment I called the customer service hot line. i didn't know what to expect really... maybe a little sympathy, some understanding, someone to tell me YES it was meant to be, you deserve to treat yourself to something like this.

What I got, " There's nothing I can do about that, bring it back to the store where you purchased it from."

Not the response I needed at the moment.... and to make it worse I already knew that was the response I would get. So I rather defensively piped up "Well I'm not sure I would exchange it, I don't even know where I can get the disks!"

Yup I was still looking for her to be the sales person and tell me how much better this was going to make my life.

The CSR checked what stores carried the disks for me but I still didn't get what I was looking for.

Disheartened I packed up my Tassimo and returned to Walmart. Bringing it up to the return desk the young girl behind the counter innocently asked, "Do you want to exchange or do you want your money back?"

I can't begin to describe the struggle that went through my mind in that moment. Yes I want my money back and YES I WANT IT!"

Struggling I decided I would exchange and if this one wasn't perfect then it would mean it wasn't meant to be.

Again I went home this time filled with angst. Would it work? Would it be good? Would it be everything I hoped for?

The answer is yes. Yes it worked, Yes it was good, it was very good, and Yes it was everything I hoped for.

There is something to be said for the ease of having a fresh cup of coffee first thing in the morning as I am getting ready for work, or when I am unwinding at the end of the day.

My personal favorite thing though is that every single cup of coffee smells like freshly opened coffee. YUM!

So overall I have to say this machine fits my lifestyle as a shoeless mommy and I would not hesitate for a second to recommend the Tassimo to anyone who asks.

Looking for Uggs!

2010-04-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

The elusive sneaker.

I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for that sneaker (aka my perfect guy). I can't help but feel like I have a rather full life as a shoeless mommy.

You know what I mean, trying to juggle managing a store, raising kids, running a household, and time with friends and family. In there I am squeezing in things like bible study, church, and activities with the kids.

So where is the time needed to build a relationship with a great pair of shoes?

Not that I don't want those sneakers... but I can't help but wonder if the timing is just all wrong. Maybe what I need is a pair of Uggs.

Uggs you ask? I know everyone is dying to know what the Ugg represents.

Well I will tell you. A man like Uggs isn't the perfect sneaker. It's comfortable like a slipper but you would wear it out in public. It's something you could cuddle up with but you take it off before you go to bed and keep it in the closet.

Uggs are there when you need them but not the everyday shoe that the sneaker is.

Well there you go what it really comes down to is missing things like snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone. Or having someone to call up and go to a concert with.

Yup need to find me some Uggs til my sneakers come along.

5 Year Old Calls 911

2010-03-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

I came across this today and had to share this

It came to my mind that this little girl has a whole lot in common with Lil Miss. It is a very specific little girl that would be so concerned with what to wear in all situations, and for Lil Miss what others will also be wearing. Daily I hear her concern of what others may be wearing...

Seriously though watching this I came to realize that sadly I don't think my youngest could call 911 if it was necessary. While we have struggled with developmental delays, she can now for the most part recognize which numbers are which but in an emergency I'm not sure she would get it right. That and well to be honest I don't keep a phone in reach for her.

To amend this I am going to make some changes around my house. First off I am going to post 911 on the fridge, somewhere central and at her eye level. Second I am going to teach her how to use my cell phone. There will be conversations taking place about what to do in an emergency.

So tell me, what does everyone else do with there kids to make sure they are ready for an emergency with their kids?

Happy Birthday Love and Grace

2010-02-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Love and Grace!

It`s hard to believe it has been 5 years already since you two were born. 5 years ago at 10:00pm I got a back ache. By 11:00 I was in the hospital and already 6cm dilated. You had already been threatening to come out for some time and there was no more holding you in!

Thanks to an epidural your birth was held off long enough to assemble the teams of Dr.`s and nurses necessary for your birth. An OR room filled with strangers. All 3 of us were assigned our own teams.

It was 2:26 am Love when you popped out. It was quick, even though you were born breech, probably because you were sooooo small. 3lbs 15oz. I was in awe of how alert you were right from the beginning. You didn`t cry, but rather just contentedly stared into my eyes as I held you for the first time in my arms. Everything about you was perfect.

Grace followed at 2:32am, just 6 minutes later, weighing 5lbs 6oz. Only not only were you not crying, but you weren`t breathing either. My little Grace came out limp and blue. I couldn`t see what was happening, and I was afraid for the worst at that moment. My first glances at you were the nurses rushing to me saying here is your daughter kiss her now she needs to go to the SCN right away. And with that quick glance a gentle kiss on the forehead you were taken away.

Every birthday this same scene plays over and over in my mind. How I was able to hold Love and once gaining the feeling back in my legs to feed him and cuddle him. All the while looking at Grace wondering if she would make it, watching her heart rate continue to crash. Not being able to touch her, watching her frail body hooked up to machines to help her breathe.

And now 5 years later Grace is healthy and thriving. And Love is in heaven.

So happy birthday to my precious babies, one now 5 years old the other forever 5 days old. Mommy loves you.

I love Coffee

2010-02-05T22:54:00.000-08:00

Coffee. Just the word alone and my mouth begins to salivate. It's warm and comforting. It's social. Coffee can give you that little pick me up when you need it the most.

Yes I have been accused on many many occasions of being a caffeinee junkie.

So much so that once when I moved the ONLY housewarming presents I received revolved around coffee. I got new coffee mugs, a new grinder, new coffee canister, and so many fresh coffee beans I was set for like a year.

I know you are wondering why am I sharing this with you. Well I read a post by The Un-mom recently about my favorite place to go for coffee and realizing that only 22% of my readers are Canadian, most of you do not know the joys of Tim Hortons.

So to share a little bit about what it truly means to be Canadian I had to share this video which so eloquently tells of true Canadian culture.

Mmmmmmm. I think I have a craving for some Timmy Ho`s!

They said what?

2010-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

Wow words that come out of my childrens mouths are so completely unpredictable!

Mister picked up a book I had lying around on the table that I am currently engrossed in and turned to the first page ready to read a few words to his baby sister.

I did just start this book which my bff just picked up for me to read. It's called Shoe Addicts Anonymous. She saw it in the store and couldn't resist this one for the Shoeless Mommy and I am telling you so far I am loving it.

Anyway, as Mister went to read the first line he turned beat red and said "I can't read that!"

Lil Miss wanting a story said, "I want the story!".

Mister still rather uncomfortable looking said "maybe I can start with the umm second paragraph..."

Yes I claimed my book back, and not remembering the first words flipped it open to read, "Sex in a box." That was the first sentance.

Poor Mister almost died of embarassment!

I of course read it out loud and chuckled. "You have heard the word sex before right?" I asked.

Lil Miss was the first to pipe up. "Yes I did, at school"

Wow she is only in Jr. K did she really hear this at school? Clearly I have a few questions to ask here...

"Who did you hear that word form at school?"

"The man told me and then he asked if I was a good person and I said NO! and then I killed him"

This came from my 4 year old?

She really has the biggest imagination ever... I just don't think I much care for her imagining that she went and killed someone!

Adjusting to Acrocyanosis

2010-01-30T01:55:00.000-08:00

As my more faithful readers know Lil Miss was diagnosed with Acrocyanosis this year.

It was a fantastic diagnosis for us finally knowing that yes indeed her heart is just fine and it's not some connective tissue disorder or anything with her bone marrow that has been causing her to turn blue.

I had thought for a long time it was her heart because Lil Miss was born premature with a hole in her heart and had unexplained Bradycardia as a baby. I was concerned that perhaps she was still suffering from bradycardia (that's where the heart rate drops really low really fast... kinda scarey to watch) and that the Dr.s just weren't seeing it. After all she has been suffering from this since birth, and I spent way to much time in the hospital that first month watching her heart crash.

We have had lots of testing done including 2 ECG's, 24 hour holter monitor to record her heart, an echocardiogram, and countless bloodtests done... and that's just the past 4 months.

All of this has led us to Acrocyanosis, or Reynauds Syndrom. Essentially Lil Miss's vascular system goes into spasm and that decreases the oxygen to the skin. It's considered largely cosmetic, and totally non life threatening!

Worst case scenario for us is if she stays blue too long it can cause necrosis. OK that is a bit on the scarey side. I like her fingures and toes right where they are and am so not a fan of little limbs turning black and needing to be amputated.

Having a diagnosis for us though means that we can learn more about what triggers it and how to prevent it.

So who wants to know the big triggers? Well I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Being cold. Yup cold. Now I know you think well thats easy but it is a bit more complicated, you see cold to us means put a cold drink in a mug not in a glass cause otherwise her entire hands and right up her arms will go blue. Or another example was last summer camping. It was like 34 degrees outside (close to 100 degrees for my American friends) and Lil Miss stepped in a stream with her runners on. For most of us the cool water is refreshing. For Lil Miss it meant her turning blue from head to toe. Seriously even her back was blue.

Emotions can also be a trigger. Lucky for us Lil Miss is the worlds most optimistic person EVER! To her everyday is the best day in the history of the world, it's amazing really. It's a good thing too because she really could cry herself blue.

Lil Miss is going to be 5 in a couple weeks and being so young I was worried about her learning how to cope with acrocyanosis. It is amazing to me that now that we have a diagnosis and we have talked about what causes her to change colour she is being so self aware.

She will be careful to make sure she has her hat and mittens on, and usually that her jacket is done up. Lil Miss is taking into consideration more often that perhaps if it is raining out that she make sure she has a sweater and warmer pants on.

It both breaks my heart and makes me grateful when she recognizes that she is cold so shouldn't be playing outside but rather should come in for other activities to warm up.

It's hard to listen as she tells me, 'I have to dress warm cause I have a-row-sigh-ohhs-is" (OK it's kinda funny how she pronounces it)The thing is though, she knows there is something about her that is different from the other kids and I worry about how that could affect her.

Really she is adjusting to this much better than I could ever have imagined. Lil Miss knows her limitations (I hate calling it that) and she lets people around her know when she needs to warm up.

The Power is in 3

2010-01-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

Niel Sings About Shoes!

2010-01-29T18:59:00.000-08:00

Wow Niel Patrick Harris singing about shoes with the muppets... It's like a dream come true! No really I'm a fan of Dr.Horrible's sing along blog, I'm sure I had a dream about this once.

Shoes

2010-01-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

Visitor Beware: This video has some naughty language and what a conservative mommy like myself (no really I am) would deam as inappropriate subject material.

But it's all about shoes so I had to share.

A Shoesical

2010-01-28T23:31:00.001-08:00

I obviously HAD to share this with you!

Enjoy...

Random Tuesday

2010-01-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

My first Random Tuesday Post!

So I was driving back to work after an incredibly long meeting when I notice the car in front of me. It had one of those personalized licence plates and it read I WED U.

I thought was the car a wedding present? But then since I'm a little dark and twisty at times I thought wow whoever bought that maybe has some serious control issues. Images popping into my mind of how an estranged ex husband gives this to his ex wife which of course she has no choice but to keep because she needs to get the kids to school still and somehow get to and from her minimum wage job. Barely making the bills as it is what else is she to do? After all her ex isn't paying the child support... Clearly he was stilettos. (look great but ouch!!!!)

Badgertastic! Check it out you will love this promise.

Kids fight over dumb stuff. Toothpaste was the fight tonight in my house. Lets just say it ended with 2 kids covered in the stuff and scrubbing my bathroom.

Brothers are weird. I found out by accident over the weekend my brother has had 2 blogs for like over a year... I don't even know for how long really. And it's not like I don't talk to him. I see him minimum once a week. What's up with that?

You know you are best friends when you don't think twice about calling up and asking if you can borrow a bathtub plug, and your friend doesn't so much as flinch and hands it over. (thanks JP)

You know I really could go like this for hours but I need to go and have a bath so JP can have her plug back.

My Sunday

2010-01-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

It struck me that there are a lot of people out there that haven't set foot into a church in a long time.

The memories of church may be the church of your parents. Going sitting on a hard bench singing old hymns to organ music. Listening to a preacher go on about fire and brimstone. Leaving you wondering how is this relevant to my life?

Church has changed a lot. It brings a relevance to lives in a contemporary format that is both entertaining and Spirit filled.

This is not the music of years gone by.

More importantly I see how lives are changed in practical ways. I see how the power of forgiveness overcomes a multitude of sins. Today we had baptism and stories of how God has transformed lives was shared

That one was my favorite...

Yes you heard that right, spontaneous baptisms. Here's a few more

I would just like to challenge my readers, it you haven't gone to church in a while or even ever, if you are questioning the relevance of God in your life, go to a church and maybe talk to someone check it out for yourself.

Did I mention they have free babysitting during service?

They are growing too fast

2010-01-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

Did you notice that kids these days seem to be growing up faster and faster?

JP asked her son recently if he had ever kissed a girl. 10 year old Gamerboy responded, "No but I want to!"

Mister is also 10, and while not nearly as forthcoming as Gamerboy, is hitting an age where having a shower without being told is important. The use of deodorant is now evident as well.

He is growing up. And I am terrified. Dating will be just around the corner for him now and I am going to do everything in my power to fend it off as long as I can!

I have openly questioned him on the purpose of dating. Much to my delight he didn't say so you have something to blog about. Rather we discussed how dating is an opportunity to get to know someone to see if you would be compatible for marriage.

So then logically if dating is about finding your significant other than you don't need to do it until your old enough to get married.

Thank goodness Mister is a very logical thinker. This seems to have made sense to him so hopefully it will stick.

Oh in case you are wondering I also asked him how old he thought would be appropriate for dating with this in mind. His answer... 16. Maybe I can convince him 18 would be better.

After all Lil Miss is watching everything he does. And she has already decided she is going to have like 500 babies including several sets of triplets and marry Pickle Boy. I just hope she doesn't start too soon.

Strange Dream

2010-01-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

You ever have one of those dreams that you are sure is real in one sense and yet while you are dreaming you think wow this isn't even really possible?

This seems to happen so often to me that really I could just start a whole section of this blog dedicated to strange dreams.

The other night I was dreaming that I lived in the old neighbourhood that I grew up in. I had a flat tire and could only replace it with a huge tractor tire. (I think it is worth mentioning that I drive an Echo)

While the tractor tire could work it was deemed unsafe for me to drive with 3 regular tires and 1 tractor tire on my car. I couldn't understand what was so wrong with that in my dream.

Anyway still needing to get around I decided to just drive my large tractor tire.

How do I describe this?

So the tire was flat and I was sitting in the middle of the tire, there was yellow rope tied to one side so I could pull on the rope to turn.

I was driving around in my big 'ol tire, practicing turning when a police officer pulled me over. She came up to me and said that was a really wide turn there. I apologized and explained I was just getting used to driving the tire. The police officer just said OK be more careful next time.

And that is where I woke up.

Helpin Out Another Shoeless Momma

2010-01-13T18:58:00.000-08:00

Recently I introduced you to M. the new blogger in town.

I also mentioned that I am aunty to her kids. Aside from being friends with M. I am also her ummm well I guess kinda ex-sister-in-law. It's complicated and lets leave it at that.

M. and her fiance were fortunate enough to have been selected for an amazing contest through the local newspaper here. This contest gives the winners $20,000 in uncut diamonds!

Imagine... finally finding your sneakers and then being given $20,000 in diamonds to start out your new life together. Obviously as auntie I have a vested interest in Meghann and Alvero winning!

They really are a wonderful couple, very much in love, but not so gushy you just want to beat them with your ratty old slipper.

So this contest works kind of like survivor, you have to vote for the person you want off the island. That being said DON'T VOTE FOR MEGHANN & ALVERO!!!!!!! This is very important.

DO follow Mr. Linky here and vote for someone else. (I voted for Vannessa and Brian, they look too chipper for me)

In the event that you are needing some incentive to vote JP over at Rants n Rascals is holding a contest and you could win a gift card for Chapters! All for showing some bloggers love for M.!

If you want to follow this one on facebook there is a page for you.

Life According to Mister Take 2

2010-01-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Here we go again!

Sunday Mister announced he knows the worlds most ORIGINAL word ever! He always has such enthusiasm.

I am sure if you read about the worst word in the world you are curious, so here it is:

Original. Yup that is the most original word in the world.

Why is that you ask...

Well I asked to and this is what Mister said:

It`s because it has the word original and it`s a very original word you have to admit

When it Rains...

2010-01-10T00:39:00.000-08:00

We all know the old adage, "When it rains, it pours", and how true that is.

These past months have been challenging for me to say the least. While I have tried to find time to keep you updated on the happenings I haven't always had the time.

I almost had the job of my dreams, but ended up taking on a different job within the same company. So not only am I doing something I had no intention of staying in, but I have had many headaches and undue stress because of it. There have been complete staffing changes, changes in policies and procedures, and oh ya someone told me they were going to do everything they could to get me fired.

During this I of course needed to also be the shoeless mommy. Making quality time for kids when you are rushing home and trying to whip up a dinner that can hopefully be passed as almost healthy, trying to help with homework and get the laundry on, all before 8:00, is a challenge.

Throw on that getting medical tests on both kids at the hospital. Yes I know be grateful I finally got an answer to why Lil Miss turns blue. The reality is though medical tests on your children is emotionally exhausting for normal people, never mind people like me who lost a child already. Trigger trigger trigger.

I was also dating just one shoe. I thought he may be sneakers. Or I thought he was someones sneakers, just not sure if they were mine. I think I referred to him here as "old shoes".

Well here's the thing. I have been shoeless for a long time now, and trying to build a relationship, well it's harder than I remembered. Or maybe it's that there is so much more going on now than there was before.

I watched as each day began to blend into the next and dread filled me at the thought of needing to return to work the next day. I began to feel as if I wasn't able to spend anytime with Mister or Lil Miss and began to miss them terribly. Old shoes was vying for my attention as well and clearly not understanding of how thinly spread I was feeling, regardless of my attempts to tell him.

Then there it is. Christmas. I LOVE Christmas don't get me wrong, I really do. Wow did I drop the ball with it this year though.

Normally I am the freakishly chipper person that has a tree put up in November, just after Remembrance Day. This year I came incredibly close to not putting up a tree at all. Honestly had it not been for JP I probably wouldn't have. She did however threaten to kick my a$$ if I didn't get it up. So a couple days before Christmas it went up and then right after it came down again. It felt like a waste of time to only have it for a few days.

I was tired and sad and I didn't want to celebrate yet another family holiday without ALL of my kids there. (my way of saying I was missing Love)In spite of this Lil Miss and Mister both proclaimed it to be the best Christmas ever.

Old shoes was feeling on the outside. He doesn`t have kids so he couldn't`t really understand everything going on in Shoeless Mommy Land. So he did what he felt was the right thing and while telling me how much he adores me, went on Plenty of Fish and began to talk to another woman.

He told her he was single and hadn`t dated much since his divorce. That the last date he went on was in August. He told her he wanted her in his life and how beautiful she was. He said a lot of things.

How do I know.... when she found him on facebook she saw he was dating me and sent me a message. She also sent me all the chat logs from her msn chat history so I saw details. I saw a lot of very hurtful things.

You know if someone just hurt me I could deal and be fine. The truth of it is though because I had put him in the friend zone at first, he knew my kids. When I told Mister that we were not dating anymore he began to cry. He broke Misters heart too.

I can`t help but wonder how other shoeless mommies do it. how do they juggle everything all the time. How do they work full time, be a good mommy, maintain the household, have time for friends, and try to have any kind of relationship and not burn out.

I would write more but I have to be up in the morning with the kids for church, and need to plan a twinless twins birthday party with the one day off I have this weekend, in between the lunch with friends and mountains of housework. Oh and prepare for the meeting with my boss and the person who is trying to get me fired that I have next week.

I promise the next post will be much lighter!

Hot New Blogger in Town

2010-01-10T00:16:00.000-08:00

OK so I need to introduce you to M.

She is perhaps one of the most brilliant hillarious and deeply sarcastic people I have ever met. M. has a rather dark and twisted dry sense of humour, is witty, and a loving mother to 4 truely fantastic kids. (and I am not bragging just cause I happen to be the cool aunt the kids really are great)

This is how M. introduces herself:

By popular demand: my life in a blog. Some past and present stories which are too unusual to be false accompanied by what I have learned thus far, (the latter being a work in progress). Enjoy. Comment. Question. Pass it on.

So go over check it out and leave her some comment love!

Internal Struggle

2009-11-30T14:57:00.000-08:00

1.1 Samuel 9:5
When they reached the district of Zuph, Saul said to the servant who was with him, "Come, let's go back, or my father will stop thinking about the donkeys and start worrying about us."
1 Samuel 9:4-6 (in Context) 1 Samuel 9 (Whole Chapter)
2.1 Samuel 9:20
As for the donkeys you lost three days ago, do not worry about them; they have been found. And to whom is all the desire of Israel turned, if not to you and all your father's family?"
1 Samuel 9:19-21 (in Context) 1 Samuel 9 (Whole Chapter)
3.Matthew 6:25
[ Do Not Worry ] "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Matthew 6:24-26 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)
4.Matthew 6:27
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
Matthew 6:26-28 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)
5.Matthew 6:28
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Matthew 6:27-29 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)
6.Matthew 6:31
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
Matthew 6:30-32 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)
7.Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34 (in Context) Matthew 6 (Whole Chapter)
8.Matthew 10:19
But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say,
Matthew 10:18-20 (in Context) Matthew 10 (Whole Chapter)
9.Mark 13:11
Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit.
Mark 13:10-12 (in Context) Mark 13 (Whole Chapter)
10.Luke 12:11
"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say,
Luke 12:10-12 (in Context) Luke 12 (Whole Chapter)
11.Luke 12:22
[ Do Not Worry ] Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.
Luke 12:21-23 (in Context) Luke 12 (Whole Chapter)
12.Luke 12:25
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
Luke 12:24-26 (in Context) Luke 12 (Whole Chapter)
13.Luke 12:26
Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
Luke 12:25-27 (in Context) Luke 12 (Whole Chapter)
14.Luke 12:29
And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
Luke 12:28-30 (in Context) Luke 12 (Whole Chapter)
15.Luke 21:14
But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.
Luke 21:13-15 (in Context) Luke 21 (Whole Chapter)

That is a whole lot of instruction not to worry isn't it? You think that we are told not to worry repeatedly for a reason?

I believe that God is fully in control and yet, on the practical note not worrying seems so difficult.

Why is that?

Well for me as I am sure for you too reconciling between the spiritual and the physical can be a challenge.

Being a dramatic person I will give you a dramatic example.

When my son Love died the newspapers said it was the hospitals fault. The coroners report said the nurses "watched him deteriorate" without doing anything. Blame was laid in the physical realm.

In the Spiritual realm we have Psalm 139

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

In this I hold to ALL of the days ordained being written in the book of life before any coming to be. We don't have the power to add or take from that.

I struggled with forgiveness towards the hospital staff. I struggled with not ultimately blaming them for my Love's death. When it came down to it I was able to recognize that not one of them would ever have wanted this to happen.

God saw fit to use Love in a special way making changes that in the end will save thousands of lives in our hospitals.

Today I am struggling with this same issue. Only now it's not involving Love, it is involving my surviving twin Grace (aka Lil Miss).

We were told last week she has Acrocyanosis, which is a great diagnosis. Only it doesn't fit her symptoms.

You see Grace turns blue from head to toe. These episodes are impossible to predict and occur from a few times a week to every other month. We have been dealing with this since her birth in February 2005.

It's been a long road to say the least.

So on one hand I think God is in control and I don't need to worry while on the other hand I think this really could be underlying something much more serious that needs attention. What are the long term affects of this? How can I push to get her any help she needs?

Really the underlying issue is that it almost killed me to watch my son die and I don't think I could survive if something happened to her too.

Especially if I sat back and didn't do everything I possibly could.

Acrocyanosis

2009-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

Lil Miss finally got in to see a pediatric cardiologist this past Thursday.

My baby girl is 4 1/2 years old now and it seems that she was a big fan of the blue colour she was born with and has been finding ways to try to maintain that colour ever since.

Yup 4 1/2 years of randomly turning blue with no real reason for it.

Well OK at first it was bradycardia and apnea that did the trick. I thought maybe it was still the same thing since there was no real reason ever found for those episodes.

That's why the cardiologist. We went to Children's Hospital for another Echo cardiogram, ECG, and a consult with the specialist.

Know what he found? Not a thing. Huge Praise God for that one! The heart looks great.

So then why so blue? Well the Pediatric Cardiologist said she has something called Acrocyanosis.

Scary word I know. The truth of it is though it is a cosmetic disorder, and not life threatening at all. Again PRAISE GOD!

Tears of relief filled my eyes as Lil Miss and I walked out of the hospital. No one wants to ever see there child turn blue, and to feel as if no one can figure out why. Not having answers was incredibly hard. Always wondering what is going on, what if this is serious, what kind of damage is this doing to her body...

You can imagine I was floating on cloud 9! I posted it on facebook right away and everyone seemed to be rejoicing with me. What can I say my Lil Miss is a very special little girl who just has a way of getting into peoples hearts.

I started researching a little bit online wanting to know more about this rare condition. The word cyanosis refers to the blue colour her skin turns, Acro is the extremities. In other words Arcrocyanosis is the hands feet and sometimes the lips turning blue.

Wait a minute here.

When my Lil miss changes colour it`s her whole body. It starts in her face 98% of the time, but rapidly spreads. Yes her hands and feet but also her arms, legs, back, stomach, and entire face. She looks like she is one big bruise.

I start to read more...

What is cyanosis?
Cyanosis refers to a blue or purple hue to the skin. It is most easily observed on the lips, tongue and fingernails.

Cyanosis indicates there may be decreased oxygen in the bloodstream. It may suggest a problem with the lungs, but most often is a result of mixing blue and red blood due to defects of the heart or great vessels. Cyanosis is a finding based on observation, not a laboratory test.

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Cyanosis types
"Acrocyanosis" refers to the presence of cyanosis in the extremities, particularly the palms of the hands and the soles of the feet. It can also be seen on the skin around the lips. Acrocyanosis is often normal in babies, provided it is not accompanied by central cyanosis.

"Central cyanosis" refers to the presence of cyanosis on "central" parts of the body, including lips, mouth, head, and torso. Central cyanosis is never normal, and is almost always associated with a decrease in blood oxygen.

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Why cyanosis occurs
Central cyanosis occurs because blood changes color in the presence (or absence) of oxygen. Red blood has ample oxygen whereas blood with decreased oxygen turns blue or purple. Red blood flowing through capillaries in the skin produces a healthy red-pink color.

Blue blood causes a blue-purple (or cyan) tint to the skin.

What conditions cause cyanosis?
Cyanosis is usually caused by abnormalities of the heart, the lungs, or the blood. Under normal conditions the red (oxygenated) blood delivers oxygen. The returning (blue) blood is shipped to the lungs to collect more oxygen.

Abnormalities in the lungs can cause some blood to flow through them without collecting oxygen.

Heart abnormalities can cause some blood to bypass the lungs altogether.

Abnormalities in the blood can decrease its ability to absorb oxygen. The common denominator is that blue blood is pumped to the body.

Finally, having far too many oxygen carrying cells (polycythemia) can also cause cyanosis.

This was found on http://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/health/heart-encyclopedia/signs/cyanosis.htm

K now it sounds a whole lot more like centralcyanosis to me.

I know it`s not her heart at least. So I am thinking so many things... I need to get her lungs checked and her bone marrow, and that connective tissue thing. Where do I start.

I`m mad too. For years I have been going to the Dr only to be told it`s not happening often enough to do anything. Just keep her home don`t go to the hospital unless her tongue turns blue.

And then there`s the pediatric cardiologist. He didn`t test her for acrocyanosis to confirm it, and he didn`t tell us it`s probably this, he said it is this.

My daughter turns blue from head to toe and I feel like no one takes me seriously.

So the fight for a diagnosis continues.

Life According to Mister

2009-11-20T00:21:00.000-08:00

Some things are too good not to share.

Sitting around the dinner table tonight Mister suddenly says

Mom! I know the worst word ever!

Hmmmmm..... do I want to ask? Lil Miss is sitting right there, this could be dangerous. What if he says something really horrible and she goes to her Christian school in the morning and repeats it? Getting a reaction it would become her new favorite word and go around repeating it to everyone she knows.

But hey I'm a little curious and Mister looks so proud of himself. So I bite.

What's that?

Assassin! 'Cause it's someone who kills people and it has the word Ass twice! Ya just gotta take of the I-N!

What I wouldn't give to live inside his brain for just one minute.

Lil Miss's Hair Hazard

2009-11-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

So the other day I woke up to find entrails of my daughters beautiful golden blond hair strewn everywhere, ummm ya not attached to her head wtf?

OK so mornings in my house are a little oh how would you say? Chaotic. Working full time at a job that is pretty stressful right now and trying to get ready and get the kids ready and out the door on time is a challenge on the best of days.

You can imagine how that morning went. Yes I took her to daycare / school with her hair in shambles. Yes I got a few looks. No it was not my finest parenting moment.

I really wasn't feeling like I had a whole lot of choice in the matter though. What else could I have done? Even if I had time to go somewhere to get it cut, nothing was open.

Being the somewhat twisted mom that I am after work I picked up the kids and did what? No I didn't go get her hair fixed right away... I went shopping.

I realized this was one of those things that I was going to need to capture forever. What I needed was a video camera. This is just one of those things I could use to torture her for years to come.

This could be the thing that I could pull out on her wedding day to illustrate things like how far she has come in life or maybe how she can be thrifty and save money by cutting her own hair. Possibly even how if she thinks something should be done she will just do it.

Anyway here is the video I took before an attempt was made to fix it.

Random Thoughts for the day

2009-11-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?)but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Sound Monster

2009-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

Flash Back: Summer my small family is away at Camp Kawkawa phone rings

SM: Hello

Sneakers: Hey how are you?

SM: I'm alright just at camp with the kids...

Sneakers: Right I won't keep you I just wanted to tell you I wrote a song about you..

Flash Forward: Autumn hanging out at my house

Sneakers: I wrote another song about you...

SM: Another one? How many is that now?

Sneakers: Uh well, lets see... there's "I met a girl", "Waiting for tonight", "Affirmation", and then there's this one so 4 so far.

Did I mention to my dear and faithful readers that Sneakers is a singer in a "project" (that's a band for normal people)They call themselves Sound Monster.

Yes those are real songs he wrote and honestly I am pretty sure it's closer to like 7 songs he has written for me to date. I don't normally talk about it cause it feels a little weird to me.

It's kinda funny actually cause he knows I don't like dating musicians. LOL. I think that's why sneakers calls it a hobby project instead of a band. A little hobby that will be going to a recording studio next summer? It's a band.

Anyway the real reason I am telling you about it today? Well Sneakers is following in my footsteps and starting a blog. So if you go and become fans there you can see what he looks like check out his music and learn more about the world of music. You might even learn a little bit more about me!

Did I or Didn't I?????

2009-11-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

Who hear can't relate to an awkward moment when you are talking to someone and you think to yourself, "I know him from where" but can't quite place him. Now imagine that person is your new boss.

And then it hits.

OMG did I date him? Did I date my boss? Is he one of my shoes!!!!!!!

I know I know you would think that would be the kind of thing I would know for sure right?

Only imagine he has a name like John Smith. I mean really how many John Smiths are there out there in the world? and it's been something like 10 years since you even thought about this person. 10 years can change a person a whole lot!

The guy I went out with was thinner, but he could have gained some weight. The eye and hair colour are right, and I'm pretty sure the height is about the same.

It wouldn't have even occurred to me had we not been in my office when he glanced at something with my name on it and said your last name is ----? I thought how odd the way he said it but just said yes...

Then he told me his last name.

I rather suddenly looked at him trying to scrutinize his face... could it be? Did I? Oh I can't tell? Can I ask my boss hey did we used to go out like 10 yrs ago? Are you one of my old shoes?

I didn't know what to say so for that moment I let it go.

I went over to talk to my bff JP Shaw about it, perhaps she would have some ideas as to what to do.

The roars of thunderous laughter on JP's part after telling her finally subsided and she looked at me and said, "why not just ask if you know him from somewhere because you think he looks familiar."

Here's the thing. Had this been one of those shoes that just, whatever, kinda fizzled, perhaps never had a spark, like slippers it would be different.

The kind of shoes I am referring to here were volatile and while at first they seemed great, in the end was the kind of shoe that would put fists through walls and put coke in my gas tank.(yes my car was written off) Not the kind you want hanging around.

And now I am wondering if volatile shoes is my new boss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not still angry or bitter about what happened 10 years ago it's all in that chunk called the past. People change a lot in 10 years and if it is him certainly I can see things have definitely changed.

But if it is him He may not want me to remember him, or have any of his skeletons fall out of the closet.

So there he was back in my office reviewing staffing models when I said to him, "You look familiar do I know you from somewhere?"

"Where do you think you know me from?" was his reply.

ARGH! OK so really I can't just come out and say hey did we used to go out? Are you the guy that wrote off my car? But there it is he isn't directly answering me either so does he know and just not want to admit it?

Feeling ever so slightly on the spot all I could say was, "I can't quite place it..."

So there you go I still have no idea. Did I date my boss or not.

But maybe the bigger question should be, do I really want to know if it's him or not? After all I do still need to work with him. My boss is a married man with a reputation as a professional to uphold, digging up the past wouldn't be beneficial for anyone.

Be Still

2009-10-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I went for lunch with a friend from church today and she had these words for me.

Your life right now is a merry-go-round. Be still. Be still and know God is in control.

Of course I immediately thought of Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

So today though around me the storms crash and there may be many things that feel as though they are urgently crying for my attention, I will remember that I am called to be still and know that he is God. All things work through him for the greater good and today He will meet me where I am.

Don't Wanna Deal With Crazy

2009-10-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

I don't want to deal with crazy anymore.

Sound like an odd statement? Well let me tell you a little story.

This guy keeps coming into my place of work and stealing. Yes stealing. I work for a not for profit company that helps those in need so I don't look at it so much as stealing from me but from those we are there to help.

This particular guy is crazy.

Now just calm down I am sure you are thinking we don't use words like that in this day and age! I do rather assure you I gave the police officer the same look when he said it. I even went so far as to ask him if he perhaps meant mentally ill to which he surprisingly replied, "no... crazy. That is the term we were told to use." I know it's shocking.

I strongly suspect this guy suffers from drug induced schizophrenia. He is incredibly unpredictable in his behaviour and clearly needs medication.

Today I caught him attempting to steal pool cues and balls. Stupidly when I saw I yelled at him to stop and went and confronted him. He was angry and agitated... and holding 3 large sticks.

Quickly realizing that perhaps my 5 ft frame was no match to his 5' 11 I quickly grabbed the phone and began to dial 911.

When I confronted him he began to raise his voice and started a series of twitches, never a good sign with this guy. Thank goodness he saw me dial 911 and dropped the items and ran out the door.

The police as it turns out are working on building a case against this guy to commit him so he will be able to get the help he needs. I don't wish anything bad for him but there is nothing I can do to help him.

The officer attending today told me it was foolish of me to confront him. I was told to let this guy go because my safety was important than stopping a shoplifter.

on the way home tonight it struck me. I am a shoeless mommy, if something happened to me at work what would happen to my Chiclets? Why did I so automatically race up and confront someone I know to be mentally ill like that? How long can I keep doing a job like this before I burn out?

So right now I am telling you I don't want anymore crazy in my life.

Meeting Family

2009-10-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

Wow. It if official I am exclusively dating one man.

Well I have been for about a month now actually. Sneakers (aka old shoes) really is perhaps the most amazing man I have ever met. He is sweet and compassionate and really everything I have been looking for.

Since we had been hanging out for the past 6 months he has had all of these opportunities to meet my friends and family and for some reason I had not met any of his people.

That is until today.

Yes I met his family today. Well in particular his mom and sister. His father passed away last January so unfortunately I won't get the chance to meet him this side of heaven.

I was fine with going out to meet them, after all it was about time right? Sneakers already knew my family but I had been hesitant to meet his before now.

I chalk that up to me having been a bit of a commitment phobia. It's not that he didn't want me to meet them but I was full of excuses before now. So today was the day.

As I mentioned I was fine. That is up until it was almost time to leave. That's when it struck me.

This may be the first time I meet my future mother-in-law.

The panic began to set in at that exact moment. Here is this amazing man who not only adores me, but my kids too. The guy who I would be happy to be old and grey with, the guy who I would love to be my last first everything.

What if she didn't like me? What if she wasn't going to like a woman with kids for her youngest son? Or even worse what if she was like Jane Fonda in Monster in Law.

I started feeling a little sick.

I had taken the kids to school and was going to go out when I thought I need coffee I'll just stop quick at Tim Hortons and grab some caffeine not just for me but some for Sneakers family too. (I'll take the brownie points where ever I can get em ;))

Sounds like a great plan right? I was running a few minutes behind schedule but coffee would certainly make up for it.

Ya great plan if you don't forget your bank card at home that is.

D'oh! bone headed move on my part. Totally had no idea where it was. It's always in my wallet. I rush home and check my other jacket, only it's not there. OMG where is it! Feeling even more panicked now because well I am running late, it's the first time I am meeting them and wow where the heck is my bank card cause that is pretty darn important.

So there I was a mad woman desperately digging through the mounds of laundry that are currently screaming for my attention seeking anything of mine that I may have worn in the past few days with pockets. Quite the sight I assure you. Finally I found it! in my black cargo pants from Saturday. Had I really gone that long without using it? That in itself is pretty amazing.

Back to Tim Hortons for that coffee. I assure you by this point I was feeling rather desperate for that jolt of caffeine.

K now bank card is safe and I have the coffee now it's time to take that leap and go and meet Sneakers family.

They are just the nicest people I could meet. Incredibly warm and welcoming. We had the nicest visit and his mom even made me a pumpkin pie to take home to share with the kids. Seriously how sweet is that?

So while it started a bit chaotic this morning it was just a nice day to share with great people. (I just hope I always feel that way lol)

Scared

2009-10-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

I'm scared.

There I said it. I admitted it.

Lil Miss was at school and had the tiniest pin point of a scratch on her chin, and it bled so badly her shirt was covered in blood. It just wouldn't stop bleeding.

The very next day at school she got a little cut on her finger. Same thing, just would not stop bleeding.

I figured maybe she's anemic again, we have had issues with that in the past so maybe we need to just check her iron levels.

Then someone pointed out ITP. Sent me top her sisters blog and asked me things like does she bruise easily? Have any red spots on her trunk?

Lil Miss does bruise easily. She always seems to be covered in bruises. I figured it had to do with her inner ear or developmental delays or something, but I guess maybe not.

I made the mistake of googling her symptoms. You know all of it, the bruising the bleeding, the whole turning blue thing. The big ugly C word came up. the one called Leukemia. So did congenital heart defect. Lots of big ugly scary looking things.

While I am telling myself nothing is wrong and trying to convince myself that I am some kind of freak for even considering that it could actually be something serious, there is this part of me that says, "this doesn't just happen to other people, this happens to me." I used to think other people lost there babies, and other people had sick babies. Now I know that I am not immune to these things so maybe that is why I worry. After all my baby died and my other baby spent more than a month in hospital.

So right now I am scared.

I am scared that something is wrong. I am scared of losing my baby girl. I am scared that I couldn't handle this. I am scared what would happen to my family. I am scared that I wouldn't have the mental capacity to properly provide for my family.

I know I shouldn't worry. I know she could be fine and all this worry is going to be for nothing.

I go to the Dr tomorrow. I suspect he will just send us for some blood tests and then we won't hear anything over the next week. I'll keep you all posted though.

Chaos

2009-09-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

cha⋅os /ˈkeɪɒs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [key-os] Show IPA

–noun 1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
4. (initial capital letter) the personification of this in any of several ancient Greek myths.
5. Obsolete. a chasm or abyss.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1400–50; late ME < L < Gk; akin to chasm, yawn, gape

Synonyms:
1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.

Antonyms:
1. order, peace, calm.

I thought I would give a clear understanding of my life at this point. I hope that was clear enough for you my dear reader.

I apologize for not having blogged lately, but there has been many a thing going on in my little world that has taken away from my time to write you darling people.

What you ask could be so important that I couldn`t make the time to get here..

Well for starters I started a new job. Yes I know I was talking about going back to school. And honestly I do still want to do that. I will do that, just not right now. You see I need to be able to get myself into a more recognizable school so I can continue to upgrade skills for the career choice I want.

So what kind of job was able to scoop me up, I know you are dying to know. I am manager of a new store that trains people in retail sales and offers family services to members of the community. It`s tied to a homeless shelter so it is still in the field I want.

Kinda funny actually, the big head boss called me up and said he was letting someone go (the former manager of the store) and that the staff were all angry and had some funky dynamics going on and how would I like to step up and take it all on.

I LOVE a challenge. It`s almost slightly sadistic really. How could I turn that down.

What the big boss failed to tell me was that there were no proper procedures in place for anything. Seriously none.

What did I get myself into...

So the staff are all kinda pissed that someone 15 - 20 years younger than all of them just walked in and got the job and is now telling them that everything has got to change. Trying to bring a little thing called consistency to the store seems to be a notion they are not quite grasping.

You know you have your hands full when you go to head office and EVERYONE tells you REPEATEDLY thank you for not quitting on your first day.

Ya not loving my job so much right now.

To top this off Lil Miss is finally getting some tests done on her heart. She is 4 yrs old now and the pediatrician just ordered a 24 hour holter monitor to record her heart an ECG and set it up so next time she goes blue I just need to take her to the peds ward to test her stats and make sure she is getting enough oxygen in her blood. We are also going to be able to see a pediatric cardiologist.

The ECG was first thing this morning and Lil Miss is wearing the 24 hour holter monitor right now. We have about 10 hours to go on it. At least she will be sleeping through the next bit of it.

I`m sure you can imagine this has been an emotionally exhausting day for me. I haven`t seen her hooked up to so many wires since she was about a month old.

I`m very lucky she is such a trooper. She didn`t really complain about anything, and truth be told I think she thought the `stickers` they put on her chest, arms and legs were pretty cool. It was only shortly before bed that Lil Miss started to whine and tell me,`the itchies are hurting`, meaning the leads taped to her chest were bugging her.

I was so hoping and praying that today she would have an episode and turn blue with the machine on. I just want so much for it to be recorded to see what is going on. No luck so far.

The Pediatrician said it could be that she has a poor vascular system which really is nothing but could explain her turning blue, or it`s her heart.

If she only turned blue while recording her heart I would know it was vascular and not her heart. I could finally have closure on this and not worry. Or if it is her heart then we could look for some other answers and solutions. At least understand what her limitations are and set an action plan in place.

I am so afraid that we will have gone through all this and in the end not be any closer to a solution than we are now.

The up side to my day was sneakers. As I posted before why am I going shoe shopping when I have the perfect sneakers at home already.

So yes I have hung up my shopping bag and settled for my new favorite shoe. Sneakers is amazing. Honestly he showed me how much he loved me before we were dating. It`s all the small things. Today was no exception.

Sneakers came to my house first thing this morning and we took Mister to school and then he came with me for Lil Miss`s ECG and to be fitted for the holter monitor. He was there to support me the entire time. We spent the day together and oh believe me there was lots of tears. (on my part)

A lot of fears came up for my beautiful daughter and sadness for my Love. You always think things like loosing a child won`t happen to me, that happens to other people. The thing is once you have gone through that loss you realize this does happen to me and really it could happen again. I live with that fear everyday. Especially days where there is a very real concern over my baby girls heart.

One big thing that made me cry today though was Sneakers. Though that was in a good way I guess. It struck me how alone I was going through so much in my life and in my loss. There were many times I really don`t believe anyone wanted to be there to support me and hold my hand through life events. And then there is Sneakers.I cried because he wanted to be there. He wanted to support me through this. He wants to be there for everything. He`s amazing to me because he may be the first man I have ever met that wasn`t about words but about actions.

I told him at one point that it`s not fair for him to be walking in on such a jumbled mess. Sneakers said I care for you and I`m not going anywhere. Good or bad I am here for you. K I think my heart may have melted just a little.

All of this and I didn`t even get into Sparkee and my brother breaking up or friends moving or any other drama. Well that just means there are more posts to come right.

Mothers Week aka back to school

2009-09-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's Mothers week!

Or at least that's what I think we should call it. The week kids go back to school after spending 2 full months at home everyday. This year seemed particularly exciting for me as my youngest Lil Miss started Jr. Kindergarten.

Well maybe emotional was more the word as opposed to exciting. Part of the joys and sorrows of raising a twinless twin. As with every new thing she begins there is the painful realization of something else Love will never do.

After taking Lil Miss to school for her first day yesterday I went for coffee with my bff JP (Rants and Rascals) and we started talking about how great it was that she was starting that early stage of making paintings to hang on the fridge and mothers day cards, which of course started me absolutely bawling right there in her living room.

Not only does this mark my baby girl growing up and gaining Independence but it just made me think about how Love will never get to do any of that.

I hear about other grieving parents who see a child about the same age as their child would have been and that sense of grief that takes them over. With multiples I have that everyday. Not that everyday feels like that but with any of the big things it is there.

I packed 2 lunches and thought I should be packing 3. I took Lil Miss to her classroom and thought I should be taking both of them here together. My heart says they are suppose to experience all of these things together, and it's hard that Lil Miss and Love can't share any of this.

Lil Miss loved her class! She was so excited to go to school like her big brother. She had fun and can't wait to go back. She really is a very social child and I think this is exactly what she needs to catch up developmentally with the other children.

Mister is in a split class this year. His grade 4 year there were only 6 kids in his class, so I'm not surprised. It's a grade 4 / 5 split with 5 grade 5 students and about 8 grade 4 students. (I know you are all wondering where in the world my kids go to school to have such a small class size, it's a private school) He likes his teacher and was happy to reconnect with his friends from last year.

It has been a tough week, trying to get back into a more normal schedule again. The kids are complaining about bed times and don't seem to want to get up in the morning. Well and it never ceases to amaze me how a backpack or shoes always seem to go missing in the morning when trying to run out the door.

Time to implement some serious organizational skills. Before I go to bed I need to make sure that lunches are made, planners are signed, uniforms laid out, dress shoes and jackets are ready to go. Sounds easy enough right? Then why does it seem so hard to get all done?

Frustration

2009-09-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

A sense on frustration looms over my home today.

Lil Miss as I mentioned before has some developmental delays and recently I was able to get hooked in with the Child Development Centre for supports such as physio therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and a teachers assistant for school.

When meeting with the teachers assistant it came up that Lil Miss sometimes turns blue. The assistant asked me if this was something that we would need an action plan for, not being sure though, a nurse was referred to speak with me about developing an action plan for school or if one would be necessary.

The nurse said it's not normal for her to be having these episodes (no kidding!) and asked what I did when Lil Miss would begin to go blue. When I told her she said that only works for respiratory issues not cardiac so they don't work.

You should know I have been constantly bringing this to the pediatricians attention since Lil Miss was born. It did appear 4 years ago to be connected between the respiratory system and the heart. Back then she would have apnea (or stop breathing)when her heart would become bradycardic (essentially start to crash). Now however her breathing is fine when her heart rate drops dramatically causing her to turn blue.

A child's pulse rate for her age should be between 80 - 120. During one of the last major episodes during recovery of the worst of it her pulse was at 72 for about 1/2 an hour.

Of course I went back to the Dr who referred me to a pediatrician that I can't see until the end of September. This same pediatrician who has brushed me off for years now. I will not be leaving her office until I can get a referral to a pediatric cardiologist, just the way the chain of command falls.

This morning the CDC called me and said I need to have an action plan in place for if she has an episode at school for the TA to work with her. Only the nurse they set me up with said the only tools I have to deal with this are for respiratory not her heart so I can't write up an action plan can I?

4 1/2 years of bringing her back time after time looking for answers and brushed off every time. Now finally we get hooked in somewhere where issues have been identified and there is help available only to feel like it is being taken away because no one took me seriously before.

So it is action time. I will drive for 2 hours if necessary to go to Children's Hospital where there is a pediatric cardiologist and go to the emergency room and tell them she turned blue. At least then I can talk to a Dr that can give me an action plan.

Sole Searching

2009-08-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone out shopping for the perfect pair of shoes and then gone home empty handed only to realize that you have the perfect pair of shoes at home?

Maybe it's the thrill of looking at all these brand new beautiful colourful shoes. Or the high of trying something new. That adrenaline rush of finding what looks like a great shoe on sale, it looks like it's going to fit after all.

The thing is sometimes you know what you are looking for, for me it's the perfect sneaker. That shoe I can wear all day and not get blisters, that shoe that fits so well into my everyday life. It offers the right support and doesn't pinch or hurt your feet in any way. It feels as if it was made for me.

As I always say men are like shoes. I don't want fancy high maintenance. I don't want something / someone that is going to hurt me. I do very much want support and comfort.

So then tell me, why have I been going shoe shopping only to come home empty handed, when I have sneakers kicking around already?

Why? well lets be honest, because I am insecure. I have been "shoeless" for so long that I don't know how to have someone around. I have been hurt, lied to and cheated on so have a hard time really trusting someone, especially shoes.

So really when I met "old shoes" aka sneakers, at first I was really excited. That very very quickly turned to total and utter fear. This would mean I would need to trust him enough to really allow him in my life and see exactly how neurotic I really am.

I did the only logical thing for me at the time, run. Run fast, run hard, just run.

I was very quick to put him in the dreaded "friend" zone. I still wanted him in my life because I very much cared for him, I really could not handle actually being in a relationship though.

The amazing part of it was that he really wanted to be a part of my life and if that meant he just needed to be my friend then he was OK with that. Sneakers wanted so much for me to be happy he sat back and watched me date and was nothing but supportive.

I came to know sneakers was a man that I could depend on. He was always there if I needed to talk, even if it sounded I'm sure like crazy psycho babble, and he was there if I ever needed anything. Seriously he even offered to help my friends move.

One of the things that really got me though, was the way he was always thinking about me. I know this sounds silly but really, sneakers would do things like send me text messages throughout the day saying little things like, "I was getting a Slurpee today and know how much you hate them so thought of you". I told you it was silly. Or he would send a text just letting me know something he thought I would find interesting.

The thing is, he thought about me. Sneakers never said this is how I feel about you, I'm sure because he knew that would freak me out, but he showed me all the time.

I can honestly say sneakers knows exactly how neurotic about things I truly am and you know what? He is still crazy about me.

It amazes me that he didn't go running for the hills. I am glad he didn't though. I can see he is a man of great patience, lucky for me. He has so many wonderful qualities, he's intelligent, and creative, compassionate, gentle, and really so much more.

So all this being said, I have come to a decision. I have decided that as they say, no guts no glory. I am going to take a step of faith to trust him. I know deep down that this man would never intentionally hurt me, or lie to me. It's a big step for me but he's worth it.

What kinda shoe is that?

2009-08-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

Here I am to follow up on yet another first date.

I know my faithful following here read my blog about first date jitters and all about the man I was going to go out with. What was I going to wear and all that stuff. I now sit here and wonder why I even bothered to put so much effort in when clearly he did not.

Imagine it there I was freshly showered an shaved with the perfect outfit picked out, you know something that looked casual but put together. I had the perfect shoes and just the right amount of accessories, you have to be careful not to come across to high maintenance after all.

Then there was my date.

We were meeting at 7:00pm, and to be honest he had been working since 3:00am and didn't really look as if he had bothered to go freshen up before meeting up with me. He came very close to cancelling the date because he almost had to fly out to Toronto for work at the last minute.

The entire evening was a bit awkward. The conversation was superficial and somewhat strained, and definitely broke the first date unwritten law book. "Thou shall not talk about your x and why things went wrong or how they screwed you over", was certainly disregarded.

People if you are dating, WAKE UP! Never talk about your x on a first date. Get to know the person first and then let them see how screwed you are when it comes to dating. Come on honey we all got some baggage going on, the first date I wanna get to know you, not your damage.

Oh and unless you happen to be looking for a leach don't talk about how much money you have or how many houses you own. This is one shoeless mommy that isn't going to stick around just because of your bank accounts.

The date felt long, very very long. After an awkward coffee (which by the way, he didn't get anything) we went to a movie. It wasn't even a good movie. Anything I was interested in seeing he had already seen so we were stuck watching some waste of time movie about car sales men.

The evening ended with a very awkward hug and a good night. Nothing interesting to tell there.

So what can I say the hunt for the elusive sneakers continues.

Mister did What!?!

2009-08-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love days when your bff and neighbour come into your house and say to your son, "Why did you punch my son in the head?".

Our boys are 10 and thus tweens now, and it appears mine is having some anger issues. I am a non-violent person and am having a hard time understanding why he would do this. I want to say this is out of character for him, before this summer he had never punched anyone. This is now the second incident this summer.

The first was camping over the long weekend with friends when Mister punched an other friend in the head that he had known since birth.

It is disturbing on so many different levels for me. First where is this aggression coming from? I wonder if it's because his dad was supposed to come and visit with him for the afternoon today and cancelled. It's been about a year since they had a visit now and I know Mister really wants to meet his new little brother that was born this summer.

This of course leads me to feelings of guilt. I am shoeless. My son needs a father figure and the reality is I haven't been able to provide that for him. I don't know what it is like to be a 10 year old boy or understand the hormonal changes he must be starting to experience now.

As a parent I feel like I am failing him. I have never felt the urge to punch someone and I really don't understand why he would.

Why oh why would he punch them in the head!?! Mister is a big kid, bigger than a lot of other 10 year olds and he is going for a part of the body that could potentially cause severe damage. How do I get him to really understand that?

He very clearly was not interested in talking to me about this at all. while I will continue to be persistent in uncovering what is really going on, I have also put in a call to my big brother to take him out and have a few words with him. I also called old shoes, who of course was more than happy to listen to me verbally process everything and offer insight. Old shoes is a pretty special guy.

So for now grounding is in order as well as writing a couple paragraphs about why punching people in the head is wrong. If this behavior continues perhaps some anger management classes will be in order.

Peace in Uncertainty

2009-08-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

John 14:27 (New American Standard Bible)

27"(A)Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you (B)Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

In my own life I have been going through a season of change and in times as these it can be easy to loose heart. Like thousands of others I have lost my job to restructuring and am not sure of what the next phase of my life is going to look like. What I need to hold onto in that God is caring for me and has a plan. I can have peace in uncertain times because I know that my God is in control and all things work for good through Him.

First Date

2009-08-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today is Thursday and I have a first date. I have been chatting with this guy for about a month now and we are finally going out on our first date.

I know what you're thinking why has this taken so long to get to. well when I first met him he was just about to go on vacation to Mexico for a week, and it would have been way to stalker like to have flown down there to meet him so patiently I waited.

It was very sweet, he texted me and sent e-mails from Mexico, I'm sure just to make sure i remained interested. well it worked, I couldn't wait for him to get back and finally go on our date.

we had it planned, everything was set. We were going to go to a football game (my first ever)and I had gone shopping to prepare. It was just as I was hunting for the perfect shoes to wear that I got the call. There was a family emergency. sigh

A death in the family. A very tragic car accident claiming the life of a young man leaving his fiance and baby.

so before I have even had a chance to go on a single date with this man i learned how close his family is and how important they are to him. he left immediately for the prairies to be with his family and was gone for 2 weeks.

Amazingly enough to me he continued to send e-mails and text messages to me. I would have assumed everything over that period would be about family and grief, but he took the time to let me know he was thinking of me and was looking forward to our first date.

He just got back last weekend but my schedule was full already. I had plans with friends and family and certainly was not prepared to have our first date include all my peeps!

So reading this I am sure you can see that neither of us wanted to wait much longer so tonight being the first night we are both free we are going out.

After a month of waiting there has been so much anticipation that I am actually a little nervous! Never before have I done this but I actually googled what to wear on a first date. Yes even the shoeless mommy gets pre-date nerves.

There were a lot of articles that came up. Mostly they read along the same lines don't overdo it wear colour and when all else fails grab your lbd aka little black dress. My favorite that I had never heard before was if you don't kiss on a first date wear lipstick.

Of course trickling through were a few other articles you may be interested in to. I thought this was interesting, an article on what a man is looking for.

Yikes the date is only a few hours away and I don't know what I'm wearing yet! Gotta run but I will keep you updated as always.

Love Ya,

The Shoeless Mommy

PS: While writing this my date sent me 6 text messages LOL I think he's a little nervous too.

YouTube clip

2009-08-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

I thought this was a riot and absolutely had to share this with all of you!

The Maple Leaf has Meaning

2009-08-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Do you know the meaning of the Maple Leaf on the Canadian flag? I have to admit I had no idea until just yesterday.

Saturday I had planned to attend The Cry in Vancouver, but didn't end up going at the thought of going with 2 kids. I know it's a bad excuse but there wasn't supposed to be any parking there which would have meant parking else where and then carrying everything I would need for the day with 2 kids in tow to Lumberman's arch.

So instead I watched it online on Sunday in the comforts of my own home.

You should know I like to double check my facts and this one really does pan out. The Maple Leaf is a representation of Healers. We, as Canadians, are called to be healers of the nations.

Neat Eh?

The flag was officially adopted in 1965, on February 15Th. At the inauguration ceremony His Excellency,the right honourable, Georges P. Vanier D.S.O., M.C., C.D.,Governor General of Canada (what a moniker!) Said this:

I hope and pray... that our flag will symbolize to each of us and the world, the unity of purpose and high resolve to which destiny beckons us

Our Flag
(February 15, 1965)
"The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations"
-Revelations 22:2

A new leaf burgeons high
on the Canadian sky;
A banner red and strange
Waves in the winds of change

God use our maple leaf
to heal the nations grief;
A cordial flame unfurled
To cheer a forlorn world
-Hume Wilkins

I don't expect this to be something that changes anything in my ordinary life but it is interesting. The only real thing I could see this impacting is perhaps my prayer life. A bit of intercession on behalf of the nations.

His plans

2009-08-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

I have found myself questioning the direction my life should take as I am standing at a crossroads right now. While I felt that God was leading me towards a certain area I began to question if I was / am able to go in that direction.

The cry of my heart was then telling God I am not sure where you want me to go. Can't you just draw me a map with step by step instructions on how to get there?
(you have to admit sometimes that would just be nice)

As I was listening for a response this came to mind.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God has not abandoned me before, not in my darkest moments, or my greatest triumphs. When I didn't have strength to carry on he carried me.

So I will continue on and in those moments I don't have the strength to continue, it's ok 'cause Gods got my back.

CDM Shoes

2009-08-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to a series of CDM workshops, that's Career Decision Making for those not in the industry.

I am currently jumping through some hoops in order to get the government to pay for me to go back to school, and these workshops were one of the many hoops.

I couldn't help but love the man leading the workshops on the first day. This rather unassuming man small in stature with wire rimmed glasses began talking about shoes.

Imagine you are walking along when you come to a shoe store when in the window you notice a pair of Gucci shoes. These shoes which are normally $500 are on sale for $20! You immediately go into the store and what?

Class: Try those babies on!

Oh so what you are saying is that it doesn't matter if they are Gucci on sale for $20, but that they need to fit to buy them.

He went on to talk about how careers are the same way. You can't make a size 9 work if you only wear a size 6.

I love shoes.

Wondering what we were covering? Check out Myers-Briggs, Strong interest, and then talk to a career counsellor on how to put it all together.

WTF?!? Seriously.

2009-08-16T00:17:00.000-07:00

One sleepless night as I was plugging away on my laptop at 2:00am a MSN message pops up on my screen.

Now this message is not from just anybody. This message was from the original slippers! This guy was one of the men I was dating when I first came up with this analogy about a year ago. He was slippers because while he seemed like a nice guy there were just no real sparks.

Honestly I hadn't spoken to him at all since last summer. This conversation was so sudden and unexpected I had to share it with you.

Slippers: Hi

Shoeless: Hey stranger
How are you?

Slippers: OK
LOL
You made me a cake once right?

*to interject here his birthday is in the summer and yes I did bake him a cake last year.

Shoeless: Ya LOL like a year ago I believe
Happy birthday btw

Slippers: Thanx
Ummmm... I'm kinda in a jam.

Shoeless: What's up?

*please keep in mind it's the middle of the night lol

Slippers: girl I'm kinda seeing, her boyfriend came home early

Shoeless: LMFAO!!!!!
Serves ya right!
go for the single ones.

Slippers: now I'm stuck under her bed... I'm on her laptop

Shoeless: LOL!!! thats hilarious

Slippers: you're the only one I am ever telling.

Shoeless: Hmmmmmmm..... well I know a friend of yours

Slippers: who????

Shoeless: I'm not sure I am ready to reveal that lol

Slippers: come one... it's a girl

Shoeless: Yup

Slippers: dark hair 2 kids?

Shoeless: lol

Slippers is now inviting u to webcam

Shoeless: It's the middle of the night I'm not webcamming!

Slippers: I'm under a bed lol

Shoeless: LMAO that's awesome
can't they hear you type?

Slippers: so I'm honest let me cam and see you

Shoeless: fine

webcam begins here

Shoeless: What? no cam for you? I want to see u under that bed

Slippers: give me a sec I just gotta figure her computer out here

Shoeless: I know lets sing a song, "whose bed has M---- been under?"

Slippers: Whose the girl you know?

Shoeless: you know I really should be working right now... I have a big report
due tomorrow and a workshop to go to in the morning. How long do you
think you'll be stuck there for? Because if they go to bed you'll really be stuck. Sorry no sympathy here

Slippers: K can u see me now?

Shoeless: Yup

Slippers: You know Lovely?

Shoeless: Yes I do. Are you surprised?

Slippers: How?

Shoeless: how what?

Slippers: how u know her

Shoeless: Oh I couldn't tell you that, it's a girl thing

* This is where I note that "Lovely" was slippers best friend when I dated him last summer.

Slippers: seriously how do u know her?

Shoeless: Hmmmm... last time I spoke to her she said u guys aren't talking anymore so I'm not going to talk about her.

Slippers: Don't tell her, and ya we don't talk

Shoeless: This is too funny not to share, maybe I'll blog about it instead. Share it with the world.

Slippers: Huh? how?

Shoeless: I have a blog

Slippers: be nice

Last year he came off as just a nice guy, now he comes off as an asshole. he went on about how he was stuck under this woman's bed and then said ha ha just kidding. He said he was looking for an interesting way to get my attention.

Ummmmm.... since when is being a sleazy dishonest piece of crap get a woman's attention in a good way?

I logged off when he started saying stuff like "I forgot how beautiful your eyes are" Like I've never heard a line before.

Lovely, his friend, told me he lost some weight and has now become quite the dawg since. That's why she doesn't talk to him anymore, because he has become really disrespectful towards women.

So there you have it, what were once my slippers have become someone Else's stilettos.

Lets all sing it together shall we?

Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?
Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?
And whose heart did you steal I wonder?
This time did it feel like thunder, baby?
Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?

Don't look so lonely
Don't act so blue
I know I'm not the only
Girl you run to
I know about Lolita
Your little Spanish flame
I've seen you around with Rita
The redhead down the lane

Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?
And whose heart did you steal I wonder?
This time did it feel like thunder, baby?
And who did you run to?
And whose lips have you been kissin'?
And whose ear did you make a wish in?
Is she the one that you've been missin', baby?
Well whose bed has M--- S---- been under?

I heard you've been sneakin'
Around with Jill
And what about that weekend
With Beverly Hill
And I've seen you walkin'
With long legs Louise
And you weren't just talkin'
Last night with Denise

Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?
And whose heart did you steal I wonder?
This time did it feel like thunder, baby?
And who did you run to?
And whose lips have you been kissin'?
And whose ear did you make a wish in?
Is she the one that you've been missin', baby?
Well whose bed has M--- S---- been under?

Come on boots...

So next time you're lonely
Don't call on me
Try the operator
Maybe she'll be free

Whose bed has M--- S---- been under?
And whose heart did you steal I wonder?
This time did it feel like thunder, baby?
And who did you run to?
And whose lips have you been kissin'?
And whose ear did you make a wish in?
Is she the one that you've been missin', baby?
Well whose bed has M--- S---- been under?

I wanna know whose bed, baby
Whoa baby, tell me
Whose bed, yes I wanna know
You better start talkin'
Or you better start walkin'...

Love's Headstone

2009-08-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days you assume will go one way and then it ends up totally different?

I had planned to go to a workshop this morning and then print off a few things to meet with an employment counsellor this afternoon so I could submit a funding package to the government for school. This was to be followed with enough time to go home clean the house and then hos bible study in my house tonight.

What happened was somewhat different.

For starters I slept in. I can't stand being late, it's just such an inconsiderate thing, so that always sets me off. Surprisingly though I did manage to get to my workshop on time. Spent the morning doing that and then was just going to print something that I was sure I had e-mailed to myself when there it was.

I received an e-mail from the headstone place. Kaden's headstone was done. Bang! A tonne of bricks hit me.

I immediately rushed out to my car and started driving. All of a sudden it hit me, was the headstone placed at the grave or was it at their office? I wasn't sure but I needed to know.

I was already heading to the cemetery and I wasn't about to stop and ask.

I slowly drove up to where my son was laid to rest and there it was. His name in black and white. It was perfect.

I went over and began to weep over this headstone. My son had gone far too long without one. It had taken me forever to finally decide on what it should say.

In case you can't tell from the pictures it says "there is no ending that in a beginning" and the picture is of a baby with her fingers reaching out to a little angel baby. That was my way of honouring the twinship between love and Grace.

I had sent a quick text to JP and all I could write was "headstone". It was enough. She understood as best friends do and I was able to go to her house and cry. I brought her back to the cemetery with me because I needed so much to share it with someone and she took some pictures for me.

The appointment I had in the afternoon, well that got rescheduled until next week. It turns out there was a scheduling problem on their end and the woman I was supposed to meet with is leaving her job so I will have to meet with someone new. I have never been so grateful for an appointment to be delayed.

After lots of hugs and tears I went home cleaned up and was blessed to have bible study. Something about being able to share and have all of these people just love on me and pray for me was so beautiful.

So while my day didn't go as planned, and yes it was incredibly emotional, it was good.

Yes I used my sons real name today. Kaden Dane. I love to say it I think it sounds beautiful. He is my little Love.

To the Dr we go

2009-08-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

I took Lil Miss to the Dr. My intention was to go in and demand to be seen by a pediatric cardiologist. I had it all planned out in my mind but somehow when I got there everything came out all jumbled up.

I am afraid that when I get there my panick sets in.

I think it has something to do with when my twinkies Love and Grace were born. The Dr.s not listening to me resulting in a double breach delivery (ouch)resulting in Lil Miss being born limp and blue. To Love's death as a result of a series of medical mistakes, through to Lil Miss's early release from hospital.

I get to the Dr.s and there I become the rambling panicked mom who doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. I start talking so fast noone can understand a word I am saying.

I can't seem to help it.

I have to give some credit to my dr. though because he at least tried to listen to me. While I didn't get the referal to the pediatric cardiologist I am going back to see the pediatrician again.

The same pediatrician that we saw before that declared Lil Miss healthy. The same one who didn't give us the referal to the Child Development Centre, even though Lil Miss was seriously developmentally behind.

What choice do I have? Turning BLUE is not normal. I need to know what is causing this and if there is anything I can do for my baby.

She's the last pediatrician I can see in town since pretty much all the rest were in some way involved with my son Love's death.

So now we wait. Wait to see another Dr to get a referal to another Dr.

This could take months and while that thought is exhausting, the fear of losing my baby girl is worse.

Lets Talk Shoes!

2009-08-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

Lets talk shoes.

I am hoping you have followed my blog closely enough to know men are like shoes, thus shoeless mommy.

I am also hoping that when I refer to old shoes you can figure out this is someone I have blogged about previously.

Old shoes is a friend. I have no doubt he is someones sneakers. (the kind of shoe you can where daily and the kind I'm looking for) He is just not my sneakers.

I am a little concerned that old shoes thinks he's got potential to be my sneakers, but the truth is there just isn't any real spark. What can I say he is sooooo in the friend zone.

I have talked to him about this before, I'm just afraid he still thinks there's a chance there and I don't want to hurt him.

No I don't think the world revolves around me and oh of course he is crazy about me but lately he has been putting out the signs.

What kind you ask? Well for starters he's a musician. (I know while most girls think that's great, honestly for me it's just such a turn off) He has written 2 songs about me, and calls me his muse. I told him I am not his muse but he keeps writing them none the less.

Old shoes wants to go to the movies this weekend with me, Saturday night (aka date night) to be specific. I go to movies with friends but am feeling the need to make sure nothing gets misinterpreted perhaps I should decline?

Friday night though... Yet another pair of new shoes! Surrey boy, as we will refer to him, is taking me to my first football game. I am kind of excited. I like going to hockey games, but then I am a Canucks fan. I am sure it will be fun being part of a huge cheering stadium of Lions fans.

The only real question is what does one wear on a first date to a football game?

Faithful followers I know you are wondering what has happened to ET. I still get text messages from him, in fact he was sending a dozen or so a day. Wow what can I say? It was too much too fast. Well and I don't know how I feel about dating someone from another country. Talk about long distance.

As always I promise to keep you in the loop!

I'm not dumb!

2009-08-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

If you follow my blog and have read "My Brain is Melting" then you have some kind of idea as to the crazy in my life right now.

As I mentioned last week I had to write a test called the Toews assessment. This test is supposed to tell you how well you learn and how smart you are I guess. It is a 3 hour test that I personally finished in 1 hour.

Kinda funny actually I forgot when I was supposed to write it and showed up an hour late and was the first one done. Being finished so quickly I was kind of nervous because that ment either I am completely brilliant and did great or totally bombed it.

I had a meeting set up for tomorrow morning to get the results. That being said I received a phone call today and they said while normally they wouldn't give results over the phone they wanted to do that with me.

From what I can gather the Towes scoring is from 1 - 5. Apparently most people score 1 - 2 with the occasional 3 but they never see people that score 4 - 5. A 5 would be the person who comes up with things like the cure for cancer, you know your Einsteins.

I scored a 4. Yay me! I wonder how I would have done if I had showed up on time and hadn't felt rushed? Or if I had bothered to review any of my answers? oh well not complaining I did great.

In the grand scheme of things this means that they will submit these results to my career counsellor with a strong recommendation that the government pay for me to go to school.

One more hoop has been successfully jumped!

Just think in a few months I will be starting school again after a whole lot of years and in no time at all will be in my new career.

"Episodes"

2009-08-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

A weekend away camping, 3 nights spent in the wilderness (well OK at a little camp ground on a trout farm) relaxing right?

Well at least it was until Lil Miss had what I refer to as one of her little episodes.

Having been born 6 weeks early Lil Miss had a rough start requiring her to spend over a month in the hospital before her early release. One of the major issues was apnea and bradycardia. Essentially she would stop breathing and her heart would crash for no apparent reason.

Scary huh? What was worse was being released early from the hospital with that kind of issue being told she should grow out of that by the time her due date hit. If only that had been the case.

For years I would just keep bringing her back to the pediatrician with the same thing. She keeps turning blue.

I wonder if they thought I was being paranoid because Lil Miss's twin brother had passed away? I questioned that too at points, but I wasn't the only one noticing her severe discolourations.

Of course we had the ECG and the echo cardiograms, but no cause was ever found as to what could be causing the bradycardia.

We got to a point where they actually told me unless she is going blue at least 3 times a week there is no point in conducting any further testing and I was dismissed.

Now it's not like it happens that often and in fact we had not had any MAJOR episodes for a little over a year. That is until yesterday.

Yesterday she was playing, not even running that much when I noticed her lips starting to go blue.

She wasn't out of breath or anything so I was just watching her. She started becoming very agitated and throwing a bit of a tantrum when it was apparent she was getting worse. Her arms and across her back were purple as well as her face and lips. I immediately checked the colour of her tongue which was thankfully normal and then her hands and feet. The hands and feet were ghostly white.

I just held her in my arms and talked gently to her to calm her down and kept checking her tongue (if that goes blue I would need an ambulance) and got my friend who is a nurse to come check her out. Her pulse was fine (up to 80, so still on the low side) by this point and she was beginning to self recover.

She hasn't had one that bad in a long time. Not to that degree anyway....

This is something I have been dealing with since day one with Aliya, I was grateful I had a medical professional with me.

It started again an hour later. (she self recovered that time too)

Not one "episode" like that in over a year and then bang 2 in one day.

It really made me wonder though, how often is this really happening? What happens if she has a really serious one and I don't catch it?

I am going to go to my Dr. this week and demand she get sent to a pediatric cardiologist. I am not going to let those blinking Dr.s make light of this. It's not like she hasn't had this since she was born, why won't they run some tests to find out what is causing her heart to crash like that.

My Brain is Melting

2009-07-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

I am afraid my brain is going into shut down mode.

Have you ever gotten to that point? You know where you are stressed about a thousand different things that you loose the ability to prioritize what needs to get done to get to the other side?

I was laid off from work in May. Restructuring gotta love it. I figured hey I'll be alright I have a bit of money n the bank and I will get Employment insurance, not only that but it looks like there is this other job I kind of have lined up. Oh and if I don't get the job even better because then I will qualify for the government to pay for me to go back to school.

So I have been a busy girl. Job interviews, various appointments for funding, there has not been a shortage of things to do.

After waiting for my ei claim to go through I got the word that my claim was denied. Not only that but the job decided to go through a job creation program meaning I would have to be on ei in order to work for them.

So my hopes of school, job, and any kind of income were eliminated. How could this be possible? Well it turns out the company that laid me off filled in my ROE wrong!

OK we are all human we make mistakes. I requested an amended roe and figured OK at least I know what the problem is maybe not all is lost now.

The amended ROE was also incorrect. Can you believe it?

This time though I was smart! I didn't take my kids to daycare, I brought them with me down to Service Canada and looked them in the eyes and said my rent is due next week and these kids need to be fed. If that wasn't enough I told them if it didn't go through I was going to miss out on a job opportunity.

I got a phone call like the next day telling me they called my former employer got the correct information and will be processing a cheque for me in the next few days.

Thank God!

All this time I have been jumping through major hoops to try to get funding to go back to school. I don't want to just take a job without the training I need to be effective. Especially in the field of work.

Can you imagine a community outreach worker with no training. It's like a license to screw people up even more than they already are. lol

One of the hoops I had to do today was write a test. It has something to do with how well you learn, I guess the government wants to know if they are going to give over $20,000 that you are going to be successful, go figure. So I either did exceptionally well or completely bombed it lol. It was supposed to be a 3 hour test and I was done in an hour. Well we will see I get the results back next week.

Just based on the time lines I may not get that job because they have been waiting for so long. While I don't want to burn any bridges with them, after finding how much they pay that position I'm not sure I want to go there because I don't feel it is a living wage. So if I do miss out what can I say? Ce Le Vie. Back to school for me!

Friday's Shoes

2009-07-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

Image by gromgull via Flickr

Shoes. Shoes are amazing things are they not? Intended to protect your feet they can often be the very cause of blisters. Certainly not what they were created for but none the less they can be crippling.

I have come to realize that I have worn too many just such shoes. I am now weary of the kind of shoes I am willing to try on

Yesterday I was supposed to go out with, hmmm... lets call him flip flops because there is no support, nothing too them and on some level I am sure are just dangerous to drive with. Anyway where was I? Yes Flip Flops and I were supposed to go out when he fell asleep.

Yes instead of connecting with me he fell asleep. He did call and apologize, said he wanted to still meet up after that. The night was still young and I did have someone to watch the kids, why waste a perfectly good night?

Only when it came down to it, flip flops did just as his shoe suggests. He flip flopped so much that in the end I decided this was not a shoe I was ever willing to try on.

Still having a sitter I decided to go out alone. I took the opportunity to go to a great coffee shop, and enjoy a relaxing time sipping my mocha away from home and whiny kids.

While there I decided to check my POF inbox for new messages from my phone, when low and behold there was a message from ET.

Hi to you and how was your week? I hope all is well with your fine self.

Hmmmmmm..... Just maybe this evening isn't going to be so much of a write off after all. So I responded with:

Hi there! What are you up to this evening? It's been a long week and I had been
looking forward to going out and blowing off some steam tonight but sadly plans
fell through. :( So sadly I sit alone having a coffee. Hope your evening is
going better than mine.

OK reading that now it does sound a little on the pathetic side doesn't it? LOL Oh well. I liked the response.

I am not doing anything and I can meet you for coffee if you like?????
Just sitting here listening to music videos so let me know.

Did I happen to mention that ET lives in another country? I reminded him of that and he said he would love to come and meet me so he did. It took him an hour to get here.

After this rather fine man with very sexy eyes crossed the border for me we met up at the same coffee shop and talked for over an hour when we got kicked out because they were closing. Neither of us was quite willing to call it an evening yet so we found a restaurant where we spent another 2 hours talking.

By this point it was 2:00am and I did need to get home to my kids, besides the restaurant was closing and I don't think anything else in town would have been open.

ET walked me to my car and gave me a nice hug good night.

Nice Eh?

Even better... he has already followed up.

I know he must have really enjoyed my company because he called me this morning and ohhh speak of the devil there's my phone with another text message. Gotta go, but I will keep you guys updated!

God Whisper

2009-07-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

Image by EraPhernalia Vintage (somewhat busy) via Flickr

A week before Love and Grace were born my care group gave me matching beautiful white baby blankets and a card for my babies.

The front of this card had a bible quote on the front that read:

You knit me together in my mothers womb.
Your eyes saw my unformed body
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book of life
before one of them came to be.

(Taken from Psalm 139: 13-16)

Really it was a beautiful card, but I thought it was horrible!

When I read those words it was as if God Himself had whispered to my heart, "One will have but a few days and the other will have many."

I can't describe how I felt. Mostly angry I guess, but I think for the most part I just tried to brush it off as being paranoid.

A week later I was in the hospital because of a back ache. It had taken me one hour and already I had been 6cm dilated.

I was scheduled for a c-section 2 weeks later. Love was 1 1/2 lbs smaller and was breach and Grace (aka Lil Miss) was transverse.

Love weighing only 3lbs 15oz came out just fine. Grace on the other hand being so much bigger and coming out head last got stuck. My miracle baby was born limp and blue requiring resuscitation.

While I had been able to hold Love right away, Grace was not doing so well and needed to be rushed to the SCN.

Over the next few days while I was able to hold and nurse Love, I questioned if Grace would survive. Her little heart kept crashing and she was too weak to keep her lungs inflated.

Those words kept coming back to me,"One will have many days, one will have but a few."

There was a part of me that was prepared for Grace to die, not Love. I had only seen her with tubes and breathing machines, she seemed so weak.

Love passed away at 5 days old due to overwhelming sepsis. He had been sick for less than 24 hours. (for the full story see the Beginning of Love and Grace)

Grace spent another month month in the hospital after that.

I was able to hold onto that God whisper. It was those words and that verse that kept me going. I was able to find some peace in knowing that all the days ordained for Love were written in the book of Life before one of them came to be. That and that Grace would have many days.

West bank Fire

2009-07-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well I am sure everyone knows what is happening in Westbank right now. Yes I am talking about the Glenrosa fire.

Saturday night I was out at my friends campsite for a wienie roast when JP Shaw called me up and started the conversation with, "Don't panic."

My heart immediately began to race, and so did my mind. was there a fire at home? Did I just loose everything? Did someone else get shot? (there have been a lot of murders this year, the latest a guy I was friends with in high school was shot to death on my birthday).

I sat down next to my old shoes grabbing his arm for support, trying to brace myself for what she had to say.

"West Bank is on fire, I know your friend lives there and you probably hadn't seen the news yet since you don't have cable."

Stinky pants and I have been good friends since we were 17. She was originally from Pentictin and after having lived in the Lower Mainland for a few years moved back up there with her husband.

She is one of those friends that even though we don't get to spend a lot of time together anymore when we do see each other it is as if no time has passed at all.

JP told me where the fire was and fear for my old friend swelled because I knew that fire was very close to her house.

Stinky Pants was one of the first to be evacuated from her home. She took her kids while her husband, Whiskey Dick, stayed behind to get as much stuff out of the house as possible. They were able to go and stay at Whiskey Dicks dads place.

On the news last night I saw that the area that they went to stay is now also being evacuated. They are still there but on standby to flee the fire again.

On Facebook today Stinky Pants posted this:

So glad we haven't been evacuated from Papas house. Also very happy to have a
fire warden for a dad. He has kept me very well informed. The fire did get very
close to our house, but only took out some landscaping and a car from around the
corner. According to my dad, all 3 houses that were lost in Glenrosa were all on
the other side of Glenrosa Road.

Around the corner that she is referring to is 4 houses down from her. The photo included here she took from her house.

While this entire event must be incredibly overwhelming to say the least it also appears Stinky Pants youngest child has a severe throat infection with a fever of 102. I'm sure we can all relate to the challenges and concerns of having a sick child, but right now it is compounded with heavy smoke and being displaced.

To all the families out there right now, my heart goes out to you.

*Please note that all false names used are used for a reason and I would never randomly call someone stinky pants or Whiskey Dick.

Fire in my heart

2009-07-20T00:14:00.000-07:00

Image by CandiceHoffman via Flickr

Psalm 39:3 (New International Version)

3 My heart grew hot within me,
and as I meditated, the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:

How true is this. Think about it for a moment. Our very passions, our beliefs all start with this. It begins as a "God whisper" in our hearts and as we think on it we may have no choice but to confess it with our tongues.

Just my random thought for the day.

Shoeless Family Camping

2009-07-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Yay we made it!

What a wonderful experience it was going away for a week to camp Kawkawa. A week where I could spend quality time with my chicklets (aka Lil Miss and Mister)and not ever have to answer the dinner dilemma.

Imagine a week where you roll out of bed, wander from your private cabin to the dinning hall where, surprise surprise your breakfast is ready hot and awaiting you, and yes this includes as much fresh hot coffee as you may need first thing (9:ooam).

From there I went to chapel while the kids went somewhere else (no I'm not sure what they were doing, there's my trashy parenting moment). After chapel I was free to wander and go for coffee or a walk before picking up the kids, yes free babysitting included!

Spend an hour with my children walking along the lake shore catching frogs or splashing in the water and then lunch. Again it's already made no thought or effort needed.

Immediately following lunch it was time for planned activities! My kids were particularly excited about archery, which I happen to think is fun too so that worked out well. Lil Miss enjoyed crafts, making and painting a birdhouse (OK the making of the birdhouse is a different post lol) and Mister was able to participate in rifelry.

My favorite part of the day came next. Waterfront! This is when all things water related were open to all. Lil Miss and I went kayaking pretty much everyday. Mister loved the water trampoline, and who could fault him for that? This morning Mister and I went on water bikes, these are the craziest things I have ever seen and I assure you much harder to keep your balance on than they look!

OH and I can't leave out the tubing! Nothing beats the feeling of being pulled around a lake by a motor boat on a little tube. I loved it. In fact I couldn't stop laughing. Yup you read that right. I laughed hysterically the whole time. Pulled some tendons in my arms from holding on so tight but that's OK because it was so worth it.

Pulling the tendons in my arms rather unfortunately did prevent me from participating in some of the other activities such as the leap of faith and the zip line. Next year for sure.

Waterfront went until 5:45 when it was time to clean up for dinner which was magically already prepared with no forethought on my part by 6:15.

After dinner was family activity time. This could be anything from a scavenger hunt to a food fight. OK so the food was only ment to be thrown at camp staff however when you have a child like Mister who likes to get in on everything well what can I say he definately got what he deserved. In this case that included mashed potatos in the ear.

Kids Campfire started at 8:00, and it was just that a kids campfire! No parents required. More coffee time for me teehee.

Cabin leaders would take care of the kids til 10:45, so parents are free! We adults got our own campfire time too, and then time to just fellowship with one another and enjoy some fresh java. (can you tell I like coffee?)

So there you go. Time with kids and time without to refresh. What else could you ask for? No stress or thought required. My idea of a perfect getaway and completely affordable. (Did I mention it's only an hour away?)

Camping

2009-07-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

I think I may have found a great way for any shoeless mommy to go camping.

I am Canadian after all, and a westcoaster, so camping is practically manditory. But logistically it can be a challenge as a single momma. Lets look at that shall we?

For starters there is no way that I am willing to go into the woods alone with no other adults. I would go clinically insane. Second my kids are close to 6 years apart in age. I assure you while they get along just fine they are at different life stages and rarely want to do the same things. I am afraid that all of these things together mean none of us would make it out alive.

Yes we do go to a campsite with friends one weekend out of the summer and that really is a blast. Of course trying to get every ones schedules to work to do this can be a challenge. But I am really wanting to go with my kids somewhere and spend some time with them where there are fun stuff for all of us to do.

Enter Summer Family Camp. Yes think back to the days of your youth when your family would happily abandon their 8 yr old for 2 weeks and then come and visit half way through that to tell her that her kitten ran away. Oh wait that is a different blog post sorry....

What I meant was days of your youth going to summer camp and learning archery and canueing among other things. Campfires, swimming in the lake, sleeping in bunk beds in tiny cabins. Feeling nostalgic yet?

This shoeless mom is going to revisit those days with a family summer camp. 1 full week of these activities with both Lil miss and Mister in tow. No cooking for a week. Sounds like a real vaca to me. And to be honest it's not particularly far and doesn't cost a whole lot either.

Do you think I can bring my laptop?

Out with the New... In with the Old

2009-07-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

Out with the new and in with the old. Yup you heard me correctly. The new shoes are out and the old ones are spending more time with me.

Yes it's been an interesting week obviously to be saying things like that so let me explain it all out to you.

I guess that new promising shoe just wasn't that into me.

After our date I just didn't hear from him. The day after I had sent him a text thanking him for a lovely evening and no response.

A few days pass and I am talking to JP, who suggests that what I need to do is send a text asking a question, something he should respond to not just a statement, after all he is a guy.

OK sounds reasonable right?

But what do I say. JP Shaw decides she knows what to write, and well she is a writer so OK. I give her my phone and a rather long text going on about how I'm a girl and well who knows what else is sent. (Ya I really should proof read stuff like that)

This is the text I got back

Sorry I have been stupid busy and forgot to get back to you. I have been
working 16 hours a day and have just been going home and going to sleep. I
have to work straight through the weekend so there is no way I can see you
then. I hope you Have fun and Happy birthday!

So there you go. I am not going to be in anyway delusional about this, if he were into me he would have made the time to call or even just send a text. He's a nice guy but just not my shoes.

Right?

Now my old shoes....

I met a wonderful man on POF a few months ago. what can I say he is intelligent, funny, talented, respectful, and makes good choices in life.

We had spoken on the phone for a few months before we met. During this time I really did get to know him and couldn't wait to meet him.

Really this man is the ultimate sneaker. Just not quite the right fit. You see when we met I didn't have that spark. Sounds pretty shallow right? I thought so anyway. So there it was this perfect guy and I'm not feeling it and I just kept thinking maybe it'll come?

The only thing is it didn't. I don't think you can just magically have a spark if it wasn't there to begin with. I wish I could have made myself feel it.

What I was getting to in all this is this; sneaker that's not the right fit, and I have been hanging out again. For my birthday he took me to see My Sisters Keeper last night and then we came back here and played Rock Band.

(Just so you know those little hyper links are for your benefit not mine, and if you went to them you might be really surprised what you will find) Total Drama chick flick right? Ya totally bawled my little eyes out through out out the whole movie. Bring Kleenex, you will need it, you will need lots of it. Old shoes liked it too.

Happy Birthday... Me!

2009-07-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Yes it's my birthday today! Another year older, and hopefully a little wiser.

I started my day off today with a job interview at 8:00am so no sleeping in for me. (yes I have been hit with the economic downturn too)

So I guess this the start of another year older for me marks a time where I have some decisions to make regarding career moves.

Do I go back to school and get the education I should have gotten years ago to ensure my stable future? Or do I take a job that will train me to do what I want to go to school for anyway? A job with huge growth potential.

Hmmmmmm decisions decisions.

Well I am not going to worry about it today because hey it's my birthday and I want to celebrate.

OT Report

2009-07-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Lil miss recently started working with the Child Development Centre and saw an Occupational therapist for the first time.

Today I received a report on Lil Miss's progress.

Lil miss is showing difficulties in fine motor efficiency. She was noted to
have aversions at the ankles. She is described by her mother as being
clumsy, and is noted to have considerable difficulty with initial motor
planning on new activities. She catches on quickly with encouragement. She
is able to jump down about 18", hop on one foot about 3 times, and can walk
a balance beam independently, using arms to balance. ......

I'm going to skip a bit because I'm lazy and don't really want to type that
much.

Fine Motor Skills are variable. She has established right hand dominance, but
is still quite bilateral in her use of hands for activities......

She has more difficulties with bilateral tasks that require coordination of
both hands that require dissociated way to be functional.....

Lil miss is able to copy vertical and horizontal lines, and a circle. She is
imitating a cross but not integrating the horizontal line as it crosses the mid
line upright.

It was observed in our session that she is quite sensitive to some sounds,
and easily alarmed until she knows what the sound is. She also has some tactile
issues. She chews on her hair, a recently acquired behaviour apparently. She
tends to fall easily, and has motor planning difficulties, suggesting that her
visual and vestibular systems are not fully integrating input into the brain.
she stalls when presented with a new motor task, and then will imitate after
considerable delay. There are indications that she may not yet be integrating
left and right visual fields across mid line.....

On the profile Lil miss scores very low for sensory registration, indicating
that she has difficulty registering some forms of input to respond well to it.
This particularly appears to affect her ability to modulate her sense of her
body position in space. It also maybe related to her muscle tone and endurance
being somewhat lower. Especially her small muscles appear to fatigue quickly,
and she prefers to use large muscles for small muscle functions. Her processing
of auditory, vestibular and tactile inputs appears to be slightly less efficient
than normal. This would contribute to her clumsiness and difficulties with fine
motor planning at new tasks....

...Interestingly she has a very vague sense of what numbers are about. She
can only rote count to 3 reliably, occasionally to 4,and is unable to count more
than 2 objects reliably with 1:1 correspondence.....

Wow a tad bit overwhelming. I know I posted a bunch of this stuff already and I had heard it but when you see it sitting there in black and white in an official report somehow it's different.

It took us years to get to a place where I wasn't freaking out about apnea and bradycardia (where the heart essentially crashes), were she finally hit a point she wasn't turning blue anymore. I felt like I was out of the woods with her and now, well, this feels like a lot today.

I am just so grateful that we are able to get her some help now.

Missing Love

2009-07-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

Image by sonyaseattle via Flickr

I am sitting here trying very hard to remember and focus on the happy moments.

I had Love for 5 days and he was my healthy twin. He was the one I was allowed to hold and feed. Looking at the two of them I was sure he was going to come home from the hospital first, even though he was smaller.

Today the memories that are there are of that last day.

He was fine when I left the hospital the day before.

That fateful Sunday morning he was so sick. How did that happen? It's so hard to wrap your brain around it when one minute he's fine and the next he isn't.

Today I remember the tubes coming from everywhere. Today I remember the blood. Today the images of his swollen and bruised body are fresh in my mind.

My angel baby Love got an e-coli type bacteria from the special care nursery. The nurses and Dr.s delayed treatment to the point of my son getting sepsis due to bacterial infection. Due to their negligence.

Meningitis, enlarged heart, kidney failure, mass internal bleeding, that's part of what sepsis does. And the effects from all of that is what I remember.

At first, that's all I could remember. The events of that day just playing over and over in my mind. PTSD is what they called it. I did receive treatment for it, something called EMDR, I totally recommend it if you ever need it by the way. It gave me back my happy memories of my son.

Some days though are hard and sad.

Today I am missing my angel baby.

Prayers for Manic Mom's Ezra

2009-07-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

I have tears streaming down my face after reading this mother's blog. Her baby boy Ezra was just diagnosed with cancer.

I relate to that fear, and that sense of I should be able to help my child but I am completely powerless.

Reading her words brought me back to when Love and Grace were born. Watching those things that no parent should ever experience. Those things that continue to haunt you. They don't ever go away, those memories of watching your child in so much pain and suffering more than you thought imaginable, it stays with you.

So please I ask go to her site, support her and Love on this family. Lift them up in prayer.

And for the Manic Mother, I am praying for you and your family.

I found this song for you, I am sure it will mean as much to you as it does to me.

Mark Shultz - He's my son

My Brother & My BFF?

2009-07-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Image by JP @ Rants n' Rascals via Flickr

Has your brother ever gone out with one of your BFF's?

Recently Sparkee started dating my brother and I couldn't be more happy for them. Really they are the perfect couple! Imagine the kind of couple that personality wise are so similar they already felt completely natural around each other. None of this oh does he like me? or does he think I'm some sort of psycho killer because of my humour kind of thing. No they are both so funny you almost pee kinda people.

The thing is you know how girlfriends talk? Ummmm dude that's my brother.

So Sparkee and I were driving in my car one day and she looks at me and says, "Can I talk to you as a friend right now and not as his sister?"

"OK but you have to call him Will"

There was a fear in the pit of my stomach that she was going to tell me things that NO SISTER SHOULD EVER KNOW about her brother.

Calling him Will is what prevents me from sitting up in the middle of the night screaming, "NOOOOO! That's my brother you are talking about!"

So why didn't they ever use that as a story line in friends? Seriously maybe I could have picked up some coping tools.

Honestly I couldn't be happier for them, I love them both to bits.

I hope he's her sneakers.

reBlog from rantsnrascals.com: BFF's

2009-07-06T10:09:00.001-07:00

Image by turbojoe (away) via Flickr

I found this fascinating quote today:

This is Jen, one of my BFF's and I adore her to pieces. She is one the best peeps I know and often visits me, considering she lives two doors away and is my true form of hysterics when I need them most.rantsnrascals.com, Rants n' Rascals: bff's, Jun 2009

You should read the whole article.

A New Promising Shoe...

2009-07-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

OK I have a confession to make. This is my dirty little secret... I have turned to the Internet for dating. A little site you may have heard of called Plenty Of Fish actually introduced or I guess

Image via Wikipedia

re-introduced me to my date tonight.

Yes all my faithful followers I just got home from a date and one of the first things I am doing is running to you to tell you all the juicy details! Don't you feel special now? Well you should.

So I innocently went an checked my mail on June 20th and this is what I found:

From: the shoe Subject: Hi
Sent Date: 6/20/2009 10:13:25 PM

Ok I am not dropping the worst pick up line ever I am honestly asking. Do I know you?

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this so I went to check out his profile which read as follows (Don't you absolutely love that I'm telling you this?)

the shoe : redonkulous its a word look it up
City (sorry taking this out)
Sign: Virgo
Height: 5' 10" (178 cm)
Age: 31 year old Man
Ethnicity: Caucasian with Brown hair
Body Type: A Few Extra Pounds
Religion: Non-Religious

I am Seeking a Woman For Long term
Do you drink?Socially
Marital Status Single
Profession drywall supervisor
Smarts Some college
Do you want children?Yes
Do you do drugs?No
Do you have children? No
Do you have a car? Yes

Interests
golf
hockey
the scent of a women
vegas
elvis
ice cold beer on a hot day
canucks
money
drinks
music
bbqs
family
friends

About Me

I am out of options

grocery store... come on noone hits on somebody buying the jumbo pack of toilet paper

bar... drunken twinkies and roid monkees enough said

church... I am afraid of spontaneous combustion

gym... waaaaayyyyyy to much spandexwork...

I am in constuction the hottest girl on site is named wayne

So here I am joining the on-line dating world...I find myself wondering what women want??? I hear alot that you are looking for that guy who can make you laugh so hard a couple drops of pee come out and he has to be romantic, sensitive but a manly man, know how to fix things, is creative and passionate, is happy, no baggage, is fully employed, a kid at heart but still knows when to act responsible, doesnt live with mommy and daddy, is a gentlemen, a great kisser... well ladies if that is what you truly want I want to let you know here I am. Lets see... what am I looking for???? I dont know exactly, I guess it would be someone I just click with but I do know she has to be light hearted and funny, likes to cuddle and loves to be adored. Someone who doesnt mind getting teased and can dish it out too. So if this sounds like you and you think we might hit it off then I hope you get in touch with me. Hope to hear from you soon!!

Funny right? So what choice do I have I am not going to be rude I'm going to answer him. Now if you read my other shoe post you will know that same spiritual beliefs is a must. It's really my only must and I know he's not on the same page with me exactly (or at all lets face it if he's afraid of spontaneous combustion...)But he's kinda cute.

Abb. isn't exactly the largest city. I can't think of from where you might recognize me. Based on ur profile it's not from church lol. Did you go to school here? I went to Abby. -J

See nothing spectacular so here is our conversation progression in messages sent through POF:

Yes I went to Abby too. My name is B.F. (Not using real names remember)

Wow that sounds really familiar but honestly I can't quite place you....

Were you in acting or script writing

Acting, directing & scriptwriting, as well as tv & film. Wow am I going to feel bad if you tell me we took directing together since there were only like 5 students in the class lol. But I bet you look a lot different now.

I was in it but I think it was different classes. But I think we might have had mutual friends. J John?

Lol ya. J is on my fb. small world hu? I'm amazed you recognized me!

Great with faces bad with names. So how have you been?

Since high school? ummm mostly good lol. life has a way of keeping you on your toes. how about u?

I've been great. So how do you like this crazy Lil site?

sorry I didn't get back to you. I haven't really met a lot of people fro here, mostly because initial e-mails have not gone well. But it's interesting right? how have you been finding this site?

Ya I have found alot of lets just say different people on here!! I am actually just recently gotten back on this site after a year away.

And since you have been back has it been any better?

Well to be honest I'm taking things slower this go round but there still are alot of colorful people on here. Have you met anyone yet?

Well to be honest I did meet this one guy, super sweet, but when it came down to there was absolutely no chemistry. So I figure I'll keep plugging away, I'm sure there is more than one nice guy on here and maybe I'll have more of a spark with the next one. So did you look me up in the yearbook? (He's another blog post altogether, I'll tell you about it another night lol)

No I didn't. To be honest I don't even know where my book is. Did I have the honor of you looking me up? I think there are one or two more sweet guys on here;)

One or two more sweet guys? Tell me where I'd love to meet one lol. I didn't bother getting a yearbook so I couldn't look you up sadly thought the thought crossed my mind....

Ouch!! Here I thought I was one of the sweet guys!! Well instead of looking me up in our old year books why don't you ask me anything you want to know and I will answer honestly. What are your plans for the week? ( I know what you are thinking he's about to say...)

Ya you totally missed what I was saying lol. Not one for reading between lines are you. lol that's ok I won't hold it against you.

My plans for the week? Ummm since I was just laid off work I'm thinking I'm pretty open. Going to see a chick flick tomorrow with a friend but that is about it. What about you any big plans?

Yes I caught it!! I was trying to be cute I guess I need to try harder. Well I have to work all week but the only big plans I was thinking of was taking you to dinner.

That sounds good, but aren't we supposed to start with the customary non committal coffee LMAO (ya in retrospect maybe should have just graciously accepted....)

So does that mean you don't want to get married? I already rented the tux!! Would you like to move this to the phone?

555-555-5555 these r my digits use them wisely

Not sure if you want me to call right now but here is my number 555-555-5555. I would feel bad if I called and woke up your little ones.

ohhhhh I just looked at the time I gotta get some sleep, I'll call u tomorrow? After kids r sleeping. (it was 2:00am and I did have kids to get up with. Gets worse folks, I forgot to call)

Sounds good. Have a great sleep.

So I was thinking it's a shame we haven't managed to connect yet. So I believe one of us should take that first step and dial the phone #. Hmmmmmmmm, which one of us should do that?

I know can we say passive / aggressive? Well he seemed to enjoy this little chat because he did call me right away and we talked for 2 hours. And then...... nothing. I know right? Totally expecting him to come out with the what are you doing Friday thing but no.

Total disappointment. But wait! a series of text messages started to arrive a few days later. Nothing big again with the what are your plans this week followed by nothing. He still didn't have the courage to ask me out.

I had put the signals out there clearly so what was I to do? After discussing it with my girls JP and Sparkee ( yes they are my real life friends not just blogging buddies) it was decided that he needs to do the chasing and if he didn't ever ask me out well oh well.

Imagine today sitting at the beach with your peeps (yes I said peeps) when the texting once again begins. This time he did it. after about a dozen texts he finally texted me a dinner invitation. So much for the standard non-committal coffee.

So I agreed. Sparkee agreed to watch my kiddos and I met him at The Duke of Dublin, a little pub around the corner from where I live.

What a gentleman! Ladies chivalry is not dead. He opened the doors for me suggest a wine for dinner, all kinds of good stuff. There was none of this nonsense that goes on too much about oh I wanna jump you right here and now.

Honestly he was sweet and kept the conversation appropriate and oh my gosh here's the kicker.... He didn't just talk about himself all night, but he asked me questions and listened to what I had to say.

I know it's nothing short of a miracle.

He didn't even try to hold my hand over dinner, there was no hands across America feely stuff. I think he was a little nervous which made him a little cuter.

Don't worry there was a very nice toe curling, knee bending, butterflies all kinds of places, passionate kiss at the end of the evening. Whoa! Totally took me by surprise; by the way he had been all night I was thinking it was gonna be a hug and kiss on the cheek kind of goodbye.

Ya so I am going out with him again next week. Don't worry I will share all the juicy details with you as they happen!

faith

2009-07-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

I thought it would be good to do a weekly meditation. As people we often forget that what we need in life is balance. It can be very easy to get so caught up in the daily grind that we forget to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I thought I would start with my personal favorite verse since this is my blog and it's all about me. lol.

Mathew 6
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.