20 July 2009

God Whisper

A few weeks old and still not much bigger than...Image by EraPhernalia Vintage (somewhat busy) via Flickr

A week before Love and Grace were born my care group gave me matching beautiful white baby blankets and a card for my babies.

The front of this card had a bible quote on the front that read:

You knit me together in my mothers womb.
Your eyes saw my unformed body
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book of life
before one of them came to be.

(Taken from Psalm 139: 13-16)

Really it was a beautiful card, but I thought it was horrible!

When I read those words it was as if God Himself had whispered to my heart, "One will have but a few days and the other will have many."

I can't describe how I felt. Mostly angry I guess, but I think for the most part I just tried to brush it off as being paranoid.

A week later I was in the hospital because of a back ache. It had taken me one hour and already I had been 6cm dilated.

I was scheduled for a c-section 2 weeks later. Love was 1 1/2 lbs smaller and was breach and Grace (aka Lil Miss) was transverse.

Love weighing only 3lbs 15oz came out just fine. Grace on the other hand being so much bigger and coming out head last got stuck. My miracle baby was born limp and blue requiring resuscitation.

While I had been able to hold Love right away, Grace was not doing so well and needed to be rushed to the SCN.

Over the next few days while I was able to hold and nurse Love, I questioned if Grace would survive. Her little heart kept crashing and she was too weak to keep her lungs inflated.

Those words kept coming back to me,"One will have many days, one will have but a few."

There was a part of me that was prepared for Grace to die, not Love. I had only seen her with tubes and breathing machines, she seemed so weak.

Love passed away at 5 days old due to overwhelming sepsis. He had been sick for less than 24 hours. (for the full story see the Beginning of Love and Grace)

Grace spent another month month in the hospital after that.

I was able to hold onto that God whisper. It was those words and that verse that kept me going. I was able to find some peace in knowing that all the days ordained for Love were written in the book of Life before one of them came to be. That and that Grace would have many days.

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