28 September 2009


cha⋅os  /ˈkeɪɒs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [key-os] Show IPA

–noun 1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
4. (initial capital letter) the personification of this in any of several ancient Greek myths.
5. Obsolete. a chasm or abyss.


1400–50; late ME < L < Gk; akin to chasm, yawn, gape

1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.

1. order, peace, calm.

I thought I would give a clear understanding of my life at this point. I hope that was clear enough for you my dear reader.

I apologize for not having blogged lately, but there has been many a thing going on in my little world that has taken away from my time to write you darling people.

What you ask could be so important that I couldn`t make the time to get here..

Well for starters I started a new job. Yes I know I was talking about going back to school. And honestly I do still want to do that. I will do that, just not right now. You see I need to be able to get myself into a more recognizable school so I can continue to upgrade skills for the career choice I want.

So what kind of job was able to scoop me up, I know you are dying to know. I am manager of a new store that trains people in retail sales and offers family services to members of the community. It`s tied to a homeless shelter so it is still in the field I want.

Kinda funny actually, the big head boss called me up and said he was letting someone go (the former manager of the store) and that the staff were all angry and had some funky dynamics going on and how would I like to step up and take it all on.

I LOVE a challenge. It`s almost slightly sadistic really. How could I turn that down.

What the big boss failed to tell me was that there were no proper procedures in place for anything. Seriously none.

What did I get myself into...

So the staff are all kinda pissed that someone 15 - 20 years younger than all of them just walked in and got the job and is now telling them that everything has got to change. Trying to bring a little thing called consistency to the store seems to be a notion they are not quite grasping.

You know you have your hands full when you go to head office and EVERYONE tells you REPEATEDLY thank you for not quitting on your first day.

Ya not loving my job so much right now.

To top this off Lil Miss is finally getting some tests done on her heart. She is 4 yrs old now and the pediatrician just ordered a 24 hour holter monitor to record her heart an ECG and set it up so next time she goes blue I just need to take her to the peds ward to test her stats and make sure she is getting enough oxygen in her blood. We are also going to be able to see a pediatric cardiologist.

The ECG was first thing this morning and Lil Miss is wearing the 24 hour holter monitor right now. We have about 10 hours to go on it. At least she will be sleeping through the next bit of it.

I`m sure you can imagine this has been an emotionally exhausting day for me. I haven`t seen her hooked up to so many wires since she was about a month old.

I`m very lucky she is such a trooper. She didn`t really complain about anything, and truth be told I think she thought the `stickers` they put on her chest, arms and legs were pretty cool. It was only shortly before bed that Lil Miss started to whine and tell me,`the itchies are hurting`, meaning the leads taped to her chest were bugging her.

I was so hoping and praying that today she would have an episode and turn blue with the machine on. I just want so much for it to be recorded to see what is going on. No luck so far.

The Pediatrician said it could be that she has a poor vascular system which really is nothing but could explain her turning blue, or it`s her heart.

If she only turned blue while recording her heart I would know it was vascular and not her heart. I could finally have closure on this and not worry. Or if it is her heart then we could look for some other answers and solutions. At least understand what her limitations are and set an action plan in place.

I am so afraid that we will have gone through all this and in the end not be any closer to a solution than we are now.

The up side to my day was sneakers. As I posted before why am I going shoe shopping when I have the perfect sneakers at home already.

So yes I have hung up my shopping bag and settled for my new favorite shoe. Sneakers is amazing. Honestly he showed me how much he loved me before we were dating. It`s all the small things. Today was no exception.

Sneakers came to my house first thing this morning and we took Mister to school and then he came with me for Lil Miss`s ECG and to be fitted for the holter monitor. He was there to support me the entire time. We spent the day together and oh believe me there was lots of tears. (on my part)

A lot of fears came up for my beautiful daughter and sadness for my Love. You always think things like loosing a child won`t happen to me, that happens to other people. The thing is once you have gone through that loss you realize this does happen to me and really it could happen again. I live with that fear everyday. Especially days where there is a very real concern over my baby girls heart.

One big thing that made me cry today though was Sneakers. Though that was in a good way I guess. It struck me how alone I was going through so much in my life and in my loss. There were many times I really don`t believe anyone wanted to be there to support me and hold my hand through life events. And then there is Sneakers.I cried because he wanted to be there. He wanted to support me through this. He wants to be there for everything. He`s amazing to me because he may be the first man I have ever met that wasn`t about words but about actions.

I told him at one point that it`s not fair for him to be walking in on such a jumbled mess. Sneakers said I care for you and I`m not going anywhere. Good or bad I am here for you. K I think my heart may have melted just a little.

All of this and I didn`t even get into Sparkee and my brother breaking up or friends moving or any other drama. Well that just means there are more posts to come right.

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