Scared

I'm scared.

There I said it. I admitted it.

Lil Miss was at school and had the tiniest pin point of a scratch on her chin, and it bled so badly her shirt was covered in blood. It just wouldn't stop bleeding.

The very next day at school she got a little cut on her finger. Same thing, just would not stop bleeding.

I figured maybe she's anemic again, we have had issues with that in the past so maybe we need to just check her iron levels.

Then someone pointed out ITP. Sent me top her sisters blog and asked me things like does she bruise easily? Have any red spots on her trunk?

Lil Miss does bruise easily. She always seems to be covered in bruises. I figured it had to do with her inner ear or developmental delays or something, but I guess maybe not.

I made the mistake of googling her symptoms. You know all of it, the bruising the bleeding, the whole turning blue thing. The big ugly C word came up. the one called Leukemia. So did congenital heart defect. Lots of big ugly scary looking things.

While I am telling myself nothing is wrong and trying to convince myself that I am some kind of freak for even considering that it could actually be something serious, there is this part of me that says, "this doesn't just happen to other people, this happens to me." I used to think other people lost there babies, and other people had sick babies. Now I know that I am not immune to these things so maybe that is why I worry. After all my baby died and my other baby spent more than a month in hospital.

So right now I am scared.

I am scared that something is wrong. I am scared of losing my baby girl. I am scared that I couldn't handle this. I am scared what would happen to my family. I am scared that I wouldn't have the mental capacity to properly provide for my family.

I know I shouldn't worry. I know she could be fine and all this worry is going to be for nothing.

I go to the Dr tomorrow. I suspect he will just send us for some blood tests and then we won't hear anything over the next week. I'll keep you all posted though.