Missing Love

Image by sonyaseattle via Flickr

I am sitting here trying very hard to remember and focus on the happy moments.

I had Love for 5 days and he was my healthy twin. He was the one I was allowed to hold and feed. Looking at the two of them I was sure he was going to come home from the hospital first, even though he was smaller.

Today the memories that are there are of that last day.

He was fine when I left the hospital the day before.

That fateful Sunday morning he was so sick. How did that happen? It's so hard to wrap your brain around it when one minute he's fine and the next he isn't.

Today I remember the tubes coming from everywhere. Today I remember the blood. Today the images of his swollen and bruised body are fresh in my mind.

My angel baby Love got an e-coli type bacteria from the special care nursery. The nurses and Dr.s delayed treatment to the point of my son getting sepsis due to bacterial infection. Due to their negligence.

Meningitis, enlarged heart, kidney failure, mass internal bleeding, that's part of what sepsis does. And the effects from all of that is what I remember.

At first, that's all I could remember. The events of that day just playing over and over in my mind. PTSD is what they called it. I did receive treatment for it, something called EMDR, I totally recommend it if you ever need it by the way. It gave me back my happy memories of my son.

Some days though are hard and sad.

Today I am missing my angel baby.