Single Again

Well it looks like I am still the shoeless mommy.

Yes it's true the engagement is off. Better to know now than later.... and I'm not just saying that as an empty platitude. 

I'm not going to sit here and say anything negative about him because really the biggest thing is that we are just two very different people. We value different things at the core of who we are. Having such different ideals trying to come together to share a life was asking both of us to sacrifice who each of us was at our core, and that was not fair to either of us.

of course there was so much more to it, but really I don't need to air everything publicly.

So while he sure looked like sneakers in the end J. was a cross between a sneaker and a stiletto. They look pretty cool though right?

Answered Prayer

Last November I sent the following email to my pastor:

Subject: Prayer Request
So I have decided to get married. Don't get too excited for me yet I still need to find a suitable groom. Still it's a big step from my rather chosen life of no dating. Though now that I have made this decision (and this time not just because of the second income lol) I could use some help in the praying for my future husband. The only real criteria I have is that whoever he is must be a Christian and evidence fruits of the spirit in his life. He must love Jesus. Outside of that I am fairly open. Thank you for praying with me on this one, oh and if you know anyone... ;)

Pastor Errol's response:

ha! I’ll get right on that one! 
do you want to be introduced to him before we book the church? or just get right to it… teasing you… I’ll join you in asking Jesus for the right man at the right time… Pastor Errol

I hadn't dated since Crocks.Remember him? Really different core beliefs and values, I tried to make a square peg fit into a round hole, as they say, and when something doesn't fit it just hurts. Anyway that is all water under the bridge now. It's been a long time and I was feeling ready for something new. I had learned from my mistakes though and there was no way I was going to settle for anything less.

Let me tell you something about Pastor Errol, he is one of those men that when he prays for you, you know it. You can literally feel it. If you don't know someone like that I am sad for you, seriously. When I send a prayer request to my pastor I get some serious results lol and almost immediate! This was no exception.

It wasn't long before I was at church and leaned over to Pastor Errol and said, "I can tell you have been praying for me... I met someone!" To which he let out a laugh and told me he couldn't wait to meet him.

Sneakers is everything I was looking for.(Yes people I called him sneakers!) Here is a man who shares my beliefs and values, who is kind and caring. A great father, spiritual leader, a man of determination and integrity. A man with different strengths than me, that can challenge me and even hold me accountable. Well and he is incredibly handsome.

Friday, February 15, 2013 Sneakers proposed, and I eagerly accepted.

This is where Sneakers proposed. It was an amazingly beautiful day and I will forever be grateful I live in BC and this was the weather as opposed to the 6 ft of snow they got back east!

Here is a pic of the stunning ring Sneakers gave me.

The big question everyone is asking is when is the big day? Honestly right now I don't know. I know that we would like it to be sooner that later. I know that we need to find an affordable house that will fit for us, our 4 kids and 2 dogs first. I know we would both be happy to elope (it's about the marriage, not the wedding!) but I also know that that might just kill my mom just a little. So something small and intimate anyway.

As for how my kids feel about this... 2 days before Sneakers proposed Mister (now 13) told me that if Sneakers didn't propose soon that I should. LOL think the kids could tell their momma was serious about this guy? Lil Miss really likes Sneakers too. And what are the odds Lil Miss and Sneakers older boy share a birthday which was the day after we got engaged. It really has been a wonderful, crazy, head-spinning kind of week. Most importantly though I am ridiculously happy, and head over heals in love with the most amazing, Christ-centred man.

Oh and when I showed Pastor Errol my ring this weekend he gave a great big hug and said, "Congratulations! I am not surprised I've been watching the way you two look at each other!"

What Does Marriage Mean?

Somebody recently asked me what marriage means to me.

What a big question! So many thoughts and images ran through out my mind I could barely grasp them. None seemed full enough to encapsulate my thoughts. I could say it is about companionship, commitment,  loyalty, love, coming together of two people. Yet while all of these are true not one on its own or even grouped together really begin to come close to what marriage means to me.

Once upon a time we had a word that was understood and perhaps would have been able to describe my thoughts. Regrettably it is a word that  no longer holds the same meaning and has become somewhat obsolete and misunderstood.Perhaps if I try to unravel that now.

I am talking about covenant. Perhaps you look at that and say I know what that means, it's a promise. Only it really is so much more than that. Covenant is a joining together of flesh, it is a picture of Christ and His bride the Church.

Let us start by looking at covenant historically. When a man and woman entered into covenant relationship they took a goat and split it right down the middle. Each half of the goat was laid out and the couple would walk between them (through the pools of blood) and vow that if they break their covenant that God should treat each of them as the goat. That they should be split down the middle as well. This was referred to as the walk through death.

The blood covenant had no escape clause, once you have entered into it there is no backing out unto death. This covenant is stronger than family ties, which is why the bible tells us that a man is to leave his family and cleave to his wife. It is the joining of two people to one.

Let me say that again, covenant is two people becoming one flesh. One life.

It is the coming together as one in all aspects of life. It is connecting emotionally, physically, spiritually, in literally every aspect of life. Each person takes on the others friends, foes, debts, wealth. there is no division. They are to be each others closest allies, and they demonstrate that two together are stronger than one alone.

While my focus here is on marriage covenant I need to say that covenant is not just between man and wife. King David was in covenant with Saul's son Jonathon, and God the Father entered into covenant with His people. Nations entered into covenants with each other as well.

I hope that was able to demonstrate that when I say marriage is a covenant relationship I mean it is for life, it is not something to be entered into lightly. It encompasses all things, and one must be prepared to love the other person as they love themselves.

Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh"

Ephesians 5:28 "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

God calls people to a marriage relationship for other purposes as well. Yes for procreation, but for a much deeper purpose as well. In genesis God says it is not good for man to be alone and he creates Adam's Ezer Kenegdo, or help mate. What is interesting here is that Ezer Kenegdo is only used when referring to people the one time. Any other reference is to God being man kinds Ezer. (I could spend a lot of time just on that, but I need to focus!)

What I am reading here is that it is good that man not be alone but that we should have a help mate. Through this special relationship God is able to work, and teach us. I believe it's intention is to demonstrate Christ's love for us. While we live in a fallen world and of course will always fall short of the glory of God; in this covenant relationship there should be a basis of trust, and a feeling of security, that we should fully be able to share of ourselves to the other person without fear of judgement or recrimination. It is in the safety of the marriage relationship that we ought to practice and find forgiveness, to extend grace in the manner that God intended.

Let me ask you this... Have you ever had someone love you? I don't mean that oh you're just the bees knees kind of way, but rather really love you. They see you,  all of you, and they love you so much that that person would be willing to lay down their life for you. This is the way Jesus loves you, and this covenant relationship is intended to mirror Christ's love for you and draw you deeper into relationship with Him.

Marriage is also used as a refining tool. We are reminded in Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron; So a man sharpens his friend's countenance." This is where I point out yet again that we live in a fallen world where sin abounds. We are imperfect and joining as one is surely not an easy task. Living in a society that values independence instead of interdependence, learning to walk in step as one is a challenge. Certainly, as it is walking through death into a new covenant, that death should signify the old lives, leaving it behind for the new life as one.

This in itself means sacrifice and surrender. It needs to not be about who wins or who loses during a disagreement. It needs to be looking at what the other persons needs are and putting them ahead of yourself. You need to remember at this point that you are one flesh and you are called to love the other person as you love yourself. As self centered beings this is not an easy task but with Christ as the center and basis of the relationship, I should hope the other person also wants to put you first.

1 Corinthians 13 :4- 13

 "⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

While really I feel like I could write a book talking about this I think at this point I will summarize. Marriage is a covenant relationship, it is a shadow of Christ, marriage refines us. I hope now though that through those simple words, that marriage is so much more.

To Heck With Dating

I'm sick of dating.

There I said it.

I'm not interested in another "friend". I have friends, what I am looking for is someone to spend my life with. So I'm thinking what I am really interested in is courting.

So what's the difference you may be asking. Well to put it in simplest terms it is dating with purpose. There is intention behind it.

Take the time get to know the shoe first, see where his priorities lay. See if our values and morals mesh, find out if he is able to offer what I am looking for. Spend time in Courtship building a relationship that would ultimately lead to marriage.

What I want is a God honouring relationship. I want a man who I can spend time with reading the bible and in prayer. I believe a relationship built on solid ground is one that will last. I believe it is important to be equally yolked.

I will be the first to admit I have tried relationships where there were fundamental differences in beliefs and I know they don't work. Not for me anyway.

Now the difficulty is finding a man on the same page as me.

Truth be told Cookie is still lurking in the background. I know he will be reading this and I'm sure this post will come as a surprise to him. Here I am putting myself out there on-line and haven't talked to him about any of this. Well there are lots of conversations that probably need to take place there still. I think he's a pretty special guy though and will be OK with that.

What I need to remember in all of this is that ultimately God is in control and the timing is all His. My sneakers are out there somewhere.

Singles, Marrieds, & Crocks

Is it OK for singles to hang out with members of the opposite sex that are married?

Chances are as soon as you read that you answered automatically. It's not a question you had to think about. What surprises me is that there are a lot of people that don't answer that the same way I do.

To me, it is a matter of integrity. I don't allow (or try not to) put myself in situations that could be deemed in any other light other than what is intended. So it also means that I don't spend time with a married man without his wife present. Does it mean I don't have friends that are married and men? No. It means I choose not to spend time with them alone, or have intimate heart to heart conversations with them without their wife present.

There are lines, and while very fine it's important not to cross them. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where even if there was nothing to hide people around me started to wonder. Why would I open myself up to being "the other woman" even if only on an emotional level.

This is somewhat a controversial blog post for me. If you have been one of my readers you will notice that I haven't written anything for a number of months. This blog was supposed to be for fun and to talk about dating as a single mom. While I really didn't have any trouble writing about shoes (men are like shoes) when it was nothing serious, I didn't really want to write about someone I really cared about. (Well and when I know the shoes are reading it's a little weird)

So hear is where I introduce you to Crocks.

Crocks and I had mutual friends for something like 15 years. He had dated a friend back then and went on to marry another lady have 2 kids and is now divorced. Crocks and I met this year for the first time and hit it off right away. There were sparks and lots of gooey feelings. Certainly more than I would like to admit.

Problem #1 - Mutual friends.

Gossip and opinions ran rampant. Hurtful things were said about both of us. Friendships ended.

Problem #2 - Married Friends & Boundaries

This was really the big one. Well for me anyway. Remember I said he dated a friend of mine many years ago? Well she is married with kids now and does not share my view on appropriate boundaries in marriage and neither did Crocks. Worse yet she had feelings for him and let him know. Crocks knowing this still encouraged a friendship with her that was wholly inappropriate. For her this was an emotional affair. When he should have been encouraging her to turn to her husband he encouraged her to spend time alone with him.

Can you see where this ended up?

 Well not that the entire situation is ended just any involvement on my part is. There was heartbreak and confusion and again friends lost.

I wasn't going to write about it at all but now that there has been some distance from the situation I decided to talk about it. I learned a very valuable lesson in this. It is important to make sure the person you are with shares your morals and values. Even more important is as the bible says to guard your heart. It's not wise to throw all caution to the wind in these matters. Slow down and ask questions get to know the person and where they stand on these issues.

So now that you know my little story I will tell you. He is Crocks because while he was comfortable and seemed to offer support, really he was full of holes and had no grip on reality.

On-Line Dating!

On-line dating good or bad?

I've met a few guys this way and while I haven't met my sneakers this way my BFF did. She met him and like a week later they were engaged, and have spent everyday together since. That was 7 years ago.

Most of us are not so lucky in love. Well at least I haven't been.

The potential of on-line dating opened up a whole new world for us didn't it? It was a way to put yourself out there without really putting your self out there if you know what I mean. It's not like meeting new singles (ahem after a certain age) is so easy.

We go to these sites in good faith trusting that the profiles we look at are other singles looking for the same thing we are, some sneakers. The reality is though this is not always the case. People lie. I know I said it and it's shocking isn't it! I know none of you would lie on a profile... would you?

Well here you go just to prove how important it is to be careful the news has the face of  Thomas James Newman all over it. This 36 year old man goes on these sites to meet women, goes out with them a few times and then does stuff like STEAL THEIR CARS! Seriously? Ya what a pathetic bleepity bleep.

This is the guy.  

Apparently he's not that smart because he actually uses his real name before taking off with his dates cars, laptops, or whatever it is he can get his hands on. It seems they are linking him to 6 different accounts of theft in the Vancouver area.

So this is where I say be careful. Don't just take everything at face value, use your common sense, and if you don't have common sense follow these tips:

• Always trust your instinct -- after all, it's gotten you this far in life already
• Take your time and look at lots of different profiles to get a feel for what kind of person you want
• Never publish your phone number or email address
• Don't take anything at face value -- it's easy to lie online, and many people do
• Ask lots of questions when chatting with your potential mates
• Make sure you feel comfortable with whoever you are chatting with, at all times
• If someone is abusive or rude, block them immediately
• Don't give your home or work address to anyone you have not met in person
• Before agreeing to a date, make sure you know as much about the other person as possible
• Don't allow yourself to be talked into anything -- you're the one in charge
• Take your time to get to know someone -- don't be rushed
• A patient person will be happy to wait until you are ready to meet
• Make sure anyone you're talking to is willing to provide photos and information about himself or herself
• Ask your date to leave a message on your voicemail beforehand, if possible
• Chat on the phone for a while before arranging a date
• Always meet in a well-lit public place
• Always tell a good friend where you are going and who you're meeting
• If possible, step away and call a friend during the date to confirm that everything is ok
• Always carry a cell phone on a date
• Schedule lunch dates -- they're convenient and they have a time limit
• Always make your own travel arrangements to/from a first date
• Do not accept a ride home on the first date or reveal your address
• If you're traveling far, always make and confirm your own hotel arrangements
• Make sure you have as much information about your date as possible
• Keep your first date to a specified time limit so you always have an "exit" point
• Never feel like you owe it to someone to meet them -- you don't!

Now with that in mind happy shoe shopping and may you find your perfect sneakers!

We Have ALL Had Those Shoes!

Well I survived the holiday season once again!

Though the shoes did not. OK I called him Cookie but I finally figured out what kind of shoe he really was for me. I think you will get a kick out this one because I know you will relate.

Imagine this: you are walking through a store when you happen out of the corner of your eye to see these super cute shoes. These shoes are just fun and have the perfect toe, they look comfy so you try them on. Wow they even seem to fit, but there is one thing.... they don't really go with anything in your wardrobe.

Of course you bought the shoes. You could go out and look for a new outfit to wear with them right? Only you can't find anything that really goes with them after all. So in your closet they sit month after month.

You find yourself every few weeks trying them on but when it's time to go out it's not with them. How long do you keep these shoes? Will you ever really be able to make them work with your wardrobe? Well I hate to say it but it's not the wardrobe that's not working it's the shoes.

So there you go the shoes didn't fit with my wardrobe, that being said I would totally pass them on to a friend if they worked better for her.

Lets talk cookies & shoes

You have all watched as I have attempted the navigation of the dating world over the past 2 years. There have been a lot of different types of shoes out there. Mostly I have come across gum boots and slippers, with the occasional sandal, flip flop, ballet shoe and stiletto.

*If men are like shoes then the following is true:
Gum boots - covered in Shit crap and not very revealing
Slippers - comfortable but you wouldn't wear them out in public
Sandals - Only good for summer
Flip Flops - not much to them
ballet shoe - cute but don't offer any support
Stiletto - great to be seen with but ouch!
Sneakers - The perfect shoe for everyday, you can wear them anywhere and they offer great support

Well as I mentioned previously I have met someone who I didn't want to call a shoe, so I called him Cookie. Ya that completely threw me off! I also didn't want to write about him. I didn't want to share him with the world. For just a little while I wanted to keep him all to myself.

Is he a sneaker? Well as the definitions go so far I would say so.

He is thoughtful and sweet. Cookie knows who he is and what is important to him. He has goals and dreams and a plan to attain them. He is fun and quirky yet down to earth. Cookie is easy to talk to and listens well.

Ya basically I am thinking he's pretty much the bees knees.

Finding someone I actually want to keep around brought up something else for me. I realized I needed to be able to open up and set aside fear of being hurt if this is to go anywhere.

It would be easy to guard my heart and keep Cookie (and anyone else) at a distance, but in the end never taking a risk would mean never moving forward in any relationship. I didn't realize how guarded I was until these past few weeks. I needed to make a choice; stay distanced and remain alone, or take a chance and see where things go.

So for today I am choosing to be open, and if my heart gets broken again well I already know I will survive it, and my life will be all the richer for sharing it.

He's Not Shoes... He's a Cookie

So there is a guy lurking in the background. Normally at this point I would be telling you what kind of shoe he is and why.

Usually I would get to know someone a few times before deciding on the shoe and then would let you know. Someone who is comfortable to be with but with no attraction is a slipper, because while they are comfy I don't necessarily want to be seen with them. The stiletto is opposite, really great looking but ouch! Ballet shoes are cute but offer no support. Sandals are only good for summer. Flip Flops have nothing to them and Gum boots are not very revealing and covered in shit. Really my search has been about finding the elusive sneaker. That shoe that offers support and I could wear anywhere!

You can imagine my surprise when after going out with this guy that I didn't want to call him a shoe. Not only that but I didn't want to share him here. I just wanted to keep him to myself.

As you can see from my title he's not shoes... he is cookie and that is what I am going to call him here. There is a reason I promise and if anyone really wants to know why, leave me some comment love and I will post about it.

What can I say? I have actually had phone conversations that have been about absolutely nothing that have lasted for hours. Cookie is sweet, thoughtful, and yes yummy.

While I think this is all I am ready to share I can tell you there will be more to follow, just not tonight. After all Cookie is someone I suspect will be around for a while.

Not Such a Simple Question

I was recently out having coffee with a nice enough looking pair of shoes and as it was the first time we had gone out it was a bit of the 20 questions game. Really that doesn't bother me so much, but there is always that one awkward question that is asked, and it is usually asked fairly early on in a discussion.

I never know what to say and almost panic a little when it comes. My mind flashes with different responses as I try to read the situation enough to decide how to answer this time. I know my answer changes frequently depending on who I am talking to and how well I know them.

Are you curious what kind of innocent question gets me so worked up every time? How many kids do you have? That's it.

In case you are a new reader here one of my twins went to heaven as a baby, I also have a son that is 5 years older. There are those that will read this and they will say you have 2 kids not 3, why are you making a big deal about that? (Yes someone really did say that)

Well I could put it this way... If your mom died she would still be your mom. No one would ever assume you never had a mom. Well in the same way Love is one of my children he just happened to beat me to heaven.

So when someone asks me, "How many kids do you have?" one of the first things I try to assess is am I ever going to see this person again? Are they going to be a recurrence and ask about kids? Am I going to have to spill the story at some point?

Going out with those shoes I quickly decided that it would be best to leave Love out of the conversation. I wasn't feeling too hopeful about where things were going to go at that moment and nothing brings down a conversation quicker than talking about the death of a baby. So I told him I have 2 kids. No explanations. If I  was wrong and we got along then surely he would understand why I wouldn't go into it right away.

Someone I work with who asked I decided they are going to find out about this and better to know up front so then I would answer "3 - 2 with me and one in heaven." Then if I mention something about a twin pregnancy they aren't looking at me like I'm on glue.

I know a woman who also lost one of her twins and she would answer 3. People would look at her see only 2 and ask where the other child was and she came up with the answer she's with my mom. No one would have known her mom had also been promoted to glory.

I think one of the biggest challenges with it is how others react. If someone told you they had 3 kids but one was in heaven, the reality is you wouldn't quite know what to say. No one does. Just don't treat moms like me as if we are contagious or sit and feel sorry for us. I hate the look people give me when they find out.

The thing is I stress out about how YOU are going to react if I answer honestly. For me it's just a matter of fact, and I will say it that way. I'm not usually going to break down in tears and become some weepy mess. There was a season for that, but that's not where I am today.

So there you go it all comes down to me being worried I'm going to make you feel uncomfortable because of a tragedy in my life! K now tell me now if you are a mom to angel babies like me how do you answer the dreaded question? If you are blessed and didn't experience the loss of a child how would you react to answers like mine?

Damn Gumboots

Have I mentioned before how much I dislike gumboots?

Just as a friendly reminder the whole premise of being the shoeless mommy is that men are like shoes and well I don't have any steady shoes in my life.

Different kinds of men relate to different kinds of shoes, while I am searching for that elusive pair of sneakers all I seem to find are shoes that seriously don't fit. They either give me blisters or are like gumboots. Gumboots of course are not very revealing and covered in shit feces.

I save that very special honour for married men looking for a little something on the side.

I met one such man recently. At a BBQ a few days ago. Did I mention his wife and very new baby were there?

This particular pair of gumboots went so far as to announce to a group of people he wasn't feeling to happy at home and was interested in looking elsewhere for some action.

Do vows mean nothing anymore? Are they just empty words that really mean I'll be with you until things get a little hard or until someone better comes along?

I know having a baby changes things. Intimacy can be difficult especially if the recovery process takes a little longer than normal and if you add any complications to the pregnancy that can add to it. Throw into the mix a lack of sleep and adjusting to a whole new person who is solely dependant on you and wow it's almost a recipe for disaster.

K I clearly had some of those issues myself... as the heel (aka the x) was with someone else while I was stuck on bed rest and then by the babies sides in the hospital. I can recognize it's a trigger for me.

How little respect can a man like that have for any woman? Clearly gumboots isn't showing a whole lot of respect for his wife and child and sees other women as nothing more than an object of lust.

It's after meeting yet another pair of gumboots that I begin to wonder if there are really any sneakers out there. Is my search for sneakers purely in vain?

Looking for Uggs!

The elusive sneaker.

I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for that sneaker (aka my perfect guy). I can't help but feel like I have a rather full life as a shoeless mommy.

You know what I mean, trying to juggle managing a store, raising kids, running a household, and time with friends and family. In there I am squeezing in things like bible study, church, and activities with the kids.

So where is the time needed to build a relationship with a great pair of shoes?

Not that I don't want those sneakers... but I can't help but wonder if the timing is just all wrong. Maybe what I need is a pair of Uggs.

Uggs you ask? I know everyone is dying to know what the Ugg represents.

Well I will tell you. A man like Uggs isn't the perfect sneaker. It's comfortable like a slipper but you would wear it out in public. It's something you could cuddle up with but you take it off before you go to bed and keep it in the closet.

Uggs are there when you need them but not the everyday shoe that the sneaker is.

Well there you go what it really comes down to is missing things like snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone. Or having someone to call up and go to a concert with.

Yup need to find me some Uggs til my sneakers come along.

When it Rains...

We all know the old adage, "When it rains, it pours", and how true that is.

These past months have been challenging for me to say the least. While I have tried to find time to keep you updated on the happenings I haven't always had the time.

I almost had the job of my dreams, but ended up taking on a different job within the same company. So not only am I doing something I had no intention of staying in, but I have had many headaches and undue stress because of it. There have been complete staffing changes, changes in policies and procedures, and oh ya someone told me they were going to do everything they could to get me fired.

During this I of course needed to also be the shoeless mommy. Making quality time for kids when you are rushing home and trying to whip up a dinner that can hopefully be passed as almost healthy, trying to help with homework and get the laundry on, all before 8:00, is a challenge.

Throw on that getting medical tests on both kids at the hospital. Yes I know be grateful I finally got an answer to why Lil Miss turns blue. The reality is though medical tests on your children is emotionally exhausting for normal people, never mind people like me who lost a child already. Trigger trigger trigger.

I was also dating just one shoe. I thought he may be sneakers. Or I thought he was someones sneakers, just not sure if they were mine. I think I referred to him here as "old shoes".

Well here's the thing. I have been shoeless for a long time now, and trying to build a relationship, well it's harder than I remembered. Or maybe it's that there is so much more going on now than there was before.

I watched as each day began to blend into the next and dread filled me at the thought of needing to return to work the next day. I began to feel as if I wasn't able to spend anytime with Mister or Lil Miss and began to miss them terribly. Old shoes was vying for my attention as well and clearly not understanding of how thinly spread I was feeling, regardless of my attempts to tell him.

Then there it is. Christmas. I LOVE Christmas don't get me wrong, I really do. Wow did I drop the ball with it this year though.

Normally I am the freakishly chipper person that has a tree put up in November, just after Remembrance Day. This year I came incredibly close to not putting up a tree at all. Honestly had it not been for JP I probably wouldn't have. She did however threaten to kick my a$$ if I didn't get it up. So a couple days before Christmas it went up and then right after it came down again. It felt like a waste of time to only have it for a few days.

I was tired and sad and I didn't want to celebrate yet another family holiday without ALL of my kids there. (my way of saying I was missing Love)In spite of this Lil Miss and Mister both proclaimed it to be the best Christmas ever.

Old shoes was feeling on the outside. He doesn`t have kids so he couldn't`t really understand everything going on in Shoeless Mommy Land. So he did what he felt was the right thing and while telling me how much he adores me, went on Plenty of Fish and began to talk to another woman.

He told her he was single and hadn`t dated much since his divorce. That the last date he went on was in August. He told her he wanted her in his life and how beautiful she was. He said a lot of things.

How do I know.... when she found him on facebook she saw he was dating me and sent me a message. She also sent me all the chat logs from her msn chat history so I saw details. I saw a lot of very hurtful things.

You know if someone just hurt me I could deal and be fine. The truth of it is though because I had put him in the friend zone at first, he knew my kids. When I told Mister that we were not dating anymore he began to cry. He broke Misters heart too.

I can`t help but wonder how other shoeless mommies do it. how do they juggle everything all the time. How do they work full time, be a good mommy, maintain the household, have time for friends, and try to have any kind of relationship and not burn out.

I would write more but I have to be up in the morning with the kids for church, and need to plan a twinless twins birthday party with the one day off I have this weekend, in between the lunch with friends and mountains of housework. Oh and prepare for the meeting with my boss and the person who is trying to get me fired that I have next week.

I promise the next post will be much lighter!

Sound Monster

Flash Back: Summer my small family is away at Camp Kawkawa phone rings

SM: Hello

Sneakers: Hey how are you?

SM: I'm alright just at camp with the kids...

Sneakers: Right I won't keep you I just wanted to tell you I wrote a song about you..

Flash Forward: Autumn hanging out at my house

Sneakers: I wrote another song about you...

SM: Another one? How many is that now?

Sneakers: Uh well, lets see... there's "I met a girl", "Waiting for tonight", "Affirmation", and then there's this one so 4 so far.


Did I mention to my dear and faithful readers that Sneakers is a singer in a "project" (that's a band for normal people)They call themselves Sound Monster.

Yes those are real songs he wrote and honestly I am pretty sure it's closer to like 7 songs he has written for me to date. I don't normally talk about it cause it feels a little weird to me.

It's kinda funny actually cause he knows I don't like dating musicians. LOL. I think that's why sneakers calls it a hobby project instead of a band. A little hobby that will be going to a recording studio next summer? It's a band.

Anyway the real reason I am telling you about it today? Well Sneakers is following in my footsteps and starting a blog. So if you go and become fans there you can see what he looks like check out his music and learn more about the world of music. You might even learn a little bit more about me!

Did I or Didn't I?????

Who hear can't relate to an awkward moment when you are talking to someone and you think to yourself, "I know him from where" but can't quite place him. Now imagine that person is your new boss.

And then it hits.

OMG did I date him? Did I date my boss? Is he one of my shoes!!!!!!!

I know I know you would think that would be the kind of thing I would know for sure right?

Only imagine he has a name like John Smith. I mean really how many John Smiths are there out there in the world? and it's been something like 10 years since you even thought about this person. 10 years can change a person a whole lot!

The guy I went out with was thinner, but he could have gained some weight. The eye and hair colour are right, and I'm pretty sure the height is about the same.

It wouldn't have even occurred to me had we not been in my office when he glanced at something with my name on it and said your last name is ----? I thought how odd the way he said it but just said yes...

Then he told me his last name.

I rather suddenly looked at him trying to scrutinize his face... could it be? Did I? Oh I can't tell? Can I ask my boss hey did we used to go out like 10 yrs ago? Are you one of my old shoes?

I didn't know what to say so for that moment I let it go.

I went over to talk to my bff JP Shaw about it, perhaps she would have some ideas as to what to do.

The roars of thunderous laughter on JP's part after telling her finally subsided and she looked at me and said, "why not just ask if you know him from somewhere because you think he looks familiar."

Here's the thing. Had this been one of those shoes that just, whatever, kinda fizzled, perhaps never had a spark, like slippers it would be different.

The kind of shoes I am referring to here were volatile and while at first they seemed great, in the end was the kind of shoe that would put fists through walls and put coke in my gas tank.(yes my car was written off) Not the kind you want hanging around.

And now I am wondering if volatile shoes is my new boss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not still angry or bitter about what happened 10 years ago it's all in that chunk called the past. People change a lot in 10 years and if it is him certainly I can see things have definitely changed.

But if it is him He may not want me to remember him, or have any of his skeletons fall out of the closet.

So there he was back in my office reviewing staffing models when I said to him, "You look familiar do I know you from somewhere?"

"Where do you think you know me from?" was his reply.

ARGH! OK so really I can't just come out and say hey did we used to go out? Are you the guy that wrote off my car? But there it is he isn't directly answering me either so does he know and just not want to admit it?

Feeling ever so slightly on the spot all I could say was, "I can't quite place it..."

So there you go I still have no idea. Did I date my boss or not.

But maybe the bigger question should be, do I really want to know if it's him or not? After all I do still need to work with him. My boss is a married man with a reputation as a professional to uphold, digging up the past wouldn't be beneficial for anyone.

Meeting Family

Wow. It if official I am exclusively dating one man.

Well I have been for about a month now actually. Sneakers (aka old shoes) really is perhaps the most amazing man I have ever met. He is sweet and compassionate and really everything I have been looking for.

Since we had been hanging out for the past 6 months he has had all of these opportunities to meet my friends and family and for some reason I had not met any of his people.

That is until today.

Yes I met his family today. Well in particular his mom and sister. His father passed away last January so unfortunately I won't get the chance to meet him this side of heaven.

I was fine with going out to meet them, after all it was about time right? Sneakers already knew my family but I had been hesitant to meet his before now.

I chalk that up to me having been a bit of a commitment phobia. It's not that he didn't want me to meet them but I was full of excuses before now. So today was the day.

As I mentioned I was fine. That is up until it was almost time to leave. That's when it struck me.

This may be the first time I meet my future mother-in-law.

The panic began to set in at that exact moment. Here is this amazing man who not only adores me, but my kids too. The guy who I would be happy to be old and grey with, the guy who I would love to be my last first everything.

What if she didn't like me? What if she wasn't going to like a woman with kids for her youngest son? Or even worse what if she was like Jane Fonda in Monster in Law.

I started feeling a little sick.

I had taken the kids to school and was going to go out when I thought I need coffee I'll just stop quick at Tim Hortons and grab some caffeine not just for me but some for Sneakers family too. (I'll take the brownie points where ever I can get em ;))

Sounds like a great plan right? I was running a few minutes behind schedule but coffee would certainly make up for it.

Ya great plan if you don't forget your bank card at home that is.

D'oh! bone headed move on my part. Totally had no idea where it was. It's always in my wallet. I rush home and check my other jacket, only it's not there. OMG where is it! Feeling even more panicked now because well I am running late, it's the first time I am meeting them and wow where the heck is my bank card cause that is pretty darn important.

So there I was a mad woman desperately digging through the mounds of laundry that are currently screaming for my attention seeking anything of mine that I may have worn in the past few days with pockets. Quite the sight I assure you. Finally I found it! in my black cargo pants from Saturday. Had I really gone that long without using it? That in itself is pretty amazing.

Back to Tim Hortons for that coffee. I assure you by this point I was feeling rather desperate for that jolt of caffeine.

K now bank card is safe and I have the coffee now it's time to take that leap and go and meet Sneakers family.

They are just the nicest people I could meet. Incredibly warm and welcoming. We had the nicest visit and his mom even made me a pumpkin pie to take home to share with the kids. Seriously how sweet is that?

So while it started a bit chaotic this morning it was just a nice day to share with great people. (I just hope I always feel that way lol)

Chaos

cha⋅os  /ˈkeɪɒs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [key-os] Show IPA

–noun 1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
2. any confused, disorderly mass: a chaos of meaningless phrases.
3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.
4. (initial capital letter) the personification of this in any of several ancient Greek myths.
5. Obsolete. a chasm or abyss.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1400–50; late ME < L < Gk; akin to chasm, yawn, gape


Synonyms:
1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.


Antonyms:
1. order, peace, calm.

I thought I would give a clear understanding of my life at this point. I hope that was clear enough for you my dear reader.

I apologize for not having blogged lately, but there has been many a thing going on in my little world that has taken away from my time to write you darling people.

What you ask could be so important that I couldn`t make the time to get here..

Well for starters I started a new job. Yes I know I was talking about going back to school. And honestly I do still want to do that. I will do that, just not right now. You see I need to be able to get myself into a more recognizable school so I can continue to upgrade skills for the career choice I want.

So what kind of job was able to scoop me up, I know you are dying to know. I am manager of a new store that trains people in retail sales and offers family services to members of the community. It`s tied to a homeless shelter so it is still in the field I want.

Kinda funny actually, the big head boss called me up and said he was letting someone go (the former manager of the store) and that the staff were all angry and had some funky dynamics going on and how would I like to step up and take it all on.

I LOVE a challenge. It`s almost slightly sadistic really. How could I turn that down.

What the big boss failed to tell me was that there were no proper procedures in place for anything. Seriously none.

What did I get myself into...

So the staff are all kinda pissed that someone 15 - 20 years younger than all of them just walked in and got the job and is now telling them that everything has got to change. Trying to bring a little thing called consistency to the store seems to be a notion they are not quite grasping.

You know you have your hands full when you go to head office and EVERYONE tells you REPEATEDLY thank you for not quitting on your first day.

Ya not loving my job so much right now.

To top this off Lil Miss is finally getting some tests done on her heart. She is 4 yrs old now and the pediatrician just ordered a 24 hour holter monitor to record her heart an ECG and set it up so next time she goes blue I just need to take her to the peds ward to test her stats and make sure she is getting enough oxygen in her blood. We are also going to be able to see a pediatric cardiologist.

The ECG was first thing this morning and Lil Miss is wearing the 24 hour holter monitor right now. We have about 10 hours to go on it. At least she will be sleeping through the next bit of it.

I`m sure you can imagine this has been an emotionally exhausting day for me. I haven`t seen her hooked up to so many wires since she was about a month old.

I`m very lucky she is such a trooper. She didn`t really complain about anything, and truth be told I think she thought the `stickers` they put on her chest, arms and legs were pretty cool. It was only shortly before bed that Lil Miss started to whine and tell me,`the itchies are hurting`, meaning the leads taped to her chest were bugging her.

I was so hoping and praying that today she would have an episode and turn blue with the machine on. I just want so much for it to be recorded to see what is going on. No luck so far.

The Pediatrician said it could be that she has a poor vascular system which really is nothing but could explain her turning blue, or it`s her heart.

If she only turned blue while recording her heart I would know it was vascular and not her heart. I could finally have closure on this and not worry. Or if it is her heart then we could look for some other answers and solutions. At least understand what her limitations are and set an action plan in place.

I am so afraid that we will have gone through all this and in the end not be any closer to a solution than we are now.

The up side to my day was sneakers. As I posted before why am I going shoe shopping when I have the perfect sneakers at home already.

So yes I have hung up my shopping bag and settled for my new favorite shoe. Sneakers is amazing. Honestly he showed me how much he loved me before we were dating. It`s all the small things. Today was no exception.

Sneakers came to my house first thing this morning and we took Mister to school and then he came with me for Lil Miss`s ECG and to be fitted for the holter monitor. He was there to support me the entire time. We spent the day together and oh believe me there was lots of tears. (on my part)

A lot of fears came up for my beautiful daughter and sadness for my Love. You always think things like loosing a child won`t happen to me, that happens to other people. The thing is once you have gone through that loss you realize this does happen to me and really it could happen again. I live with that fear everyday. Especially days where there is a very real concern over my baby girls heart.

One big thing that made me cry today though was Sneakers. Though that was in a good way I guess. It struck me how alone I was going through so much in my life and in my loss. There were many times I really don`t believe anyone wanted to be there to support me and hold my hand through life events. And then there is Sneakers.I cried because he wanted to be there. He wanted to support me through this. He wants to be there for everything. He`s amazing to me because he may be the first man I have ever met that wasn`t about words but about actions.

I told him at one point that it`s not fair for him to be walking in on such a jumbled mess. Sneakers said I care for you and I`m not going anywhere. Good or bad I am here for you. K I think my heart may have melted just a little.

All of this and I didn`t even get into Sparkee and my brother breaking up or friends moving or any other drama. Well that just means there are more posts to come right.

Sole Searching

Have you ever gone out shopping for the perfect pair of shoes and then gone home empty handed only to realize that you have the perfect pair of shoes at home?

Maybe it's the thrill of looking at all these brand new beautiful colourful shoes. Or the high of trying something new. That adrenaline rush of finding what looks like a great shoe on sale, it looks like it's going to fit after all.

The thing is sometimes you know what you are looking for, for me it's the perfect sneaker. That shoe I can wear all day and not get blisters, that shoe that fits so well into my everyday life. It offers the right support and doesn't pinch or hurt your feet in any way. It feels as if it was made for me.

As I always say men are like shoes. I don't want fancy high maintenance. I don't want something / someone that is going to hurt me. I do very much want support and comfort.

So then tell me, why have I been going shoe shopping only to come home empty handed, when I have sneakers kicking around already?

Why? well lets be honest, because I am insecure. I have been "shoeless" for so long that I don't know how to have someone around. I have been hurt, lied to and cheated on so have a hard time really trusting someone, especially shoes.

So really when I met "old shoes" aka sneakers, at first I was really excited. That very very quickly turned to total and utter fear. This would mean I would need to trust him enough to really allow him in my life and see exactly how neurotic I really am.

I did the only logical thing for me at the time, run. Run fast, run hard, just run.

I was very quick to put him in the dreaded "friend" zone. I still wanted him in my life because I very much cared for him, I really could not handle actually being in a relationship though.

The amazing part of it was that he really wanted to be a part of my life and if that meant he just needed to be my friend then he was OK with that. Sneakers wanted so much for me to be happy he sat back and watched me date and was nothing but supportive.

I came to know sneakers was a man that I could depend on. He was always there if I needed to talk, even if it sounded I'm sure like crazy psycho babble, and he was there if I ever needed anything. Seriously he even offered to help my friends move.

One of the things that really got me though, was the way he was always thinking about me. I know this sounds silly but really, sneakers would do things like send me text messages throughout the day saying little things like, "I was getting a Slurpee today and know how much you hate them so thought of you". I told you it was silly. Or he would send a text just letting me know something he thought I would find interesting.

The thing is, he thought about me. Sneakers never said this is how I feel about you, I'm sure because he knew that would freak me out, but he showed me all the time.

I can honestly say sneakers knows exactly how neurotic about things I truly am and you know what? He is still crazy about me.

It amazes me that he didn't go running for the hills. I am glad he didn't though. I can see he is a man of great patience, lucky for me. He has so many wonderful qualities, he's intelligent, and creative, compassionate, gentle, and really so much more.

So all this being said, I have come to a decision. I have decided that as they say, no guts no glory. I am going to take a step of faith to trust him. I know deep down that this man would never intentionally hurt me, or lie to me. It's a big step for me but he's worth it.

What kinda shoe is that?

Here I am to follow up on yet another first date.

I know my faithful following here read my blog about first date jitters and all about the man I was going to go out with. What was I going to wear and all that stuff. I now sit here and wonder why I even bothered to put so much effort in when clearly he did not.

Imagine it there I was freshly showered an shaved with the perfect outfit picked out, you know something that looked casual but put together. I had the perfect shoes and just the right amount of accessories, you have to be careful not to come across to high maintenance after all.

Then there was my date.

We were meeting at 7:00pm, and to be honest he had been working since 3:00am and didn't really look as if he had bothered to go freshen up before meeting up with me. He came very close to cancelling the date because he almost had to fly out to Toronto for work at the last minute.

The entire evening was a bit awkward. The conversation was superficial and somewhat strained, and definitely broke the first date unwritten law book. "Thou shall not talk about your x and why things went wrong or how they screwed you over", was certainly disregarded.

People if you are dating, WAKE UP! Never talk about your x on a first date. Get to know the person first and then let them see how screwed you are when it comes to dating. Come on honey we all got some baggage going on, the first date I wanna get to know you, not your damage.

Oh and unless you happen to be looking for a leach don't talk about how much money you have or how many houses you own. This is one shoeless mommy that isn't going to stick around just because of your bank accounts.

The date felt long, very very long. After an awkward coffee (which by the way, he didn't get anything) we went to a movie. It wasn't even a good movie. Anything I was interested in seeing he had already seen so we were stuck watching some waste of time movie about car sales men.

The evening ended with a very awkward hug and a good night. Nothing interesting to tell there.

So what can I say the hunt for the elusive sneakers continues.