Morning Funnies

I received this e-mail this morning and had such a giggle I absolutely had to share it with everyone!

If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

          I've just published a book on D.I.Y. It's blank and comes with a free pen.

I saw my mate today, he's only got 1 arm bless him. I shouted, "Where you off to?"

"to change a light bulb" he said. "That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt!!!

I was standing in the queue today in Asda/Wal-Mart and a voice announced "Checkout no. 45." I've seen better.

If a woman says she's wrong, is she still wrong?

I really just can't stand mustard. Ever since that bastard came at me with a candlestick in the billiard room.

A little boy knocked on my door and said, "Is Jimmy coming out?" I said, "I doubt it mate, he's only five. He hasn't even tried women yet".

‎"Breasts awareness day." What a joke

I'm a man.. every day is breasts awareness day.

When my dear old Nan finally passed, I thought, "Football's not for her."

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

My grandson took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner is fickin furious!!!!

I just saw Toy Story in 3D... the guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.

Walking back from the pub last night, some little shit threw grated cheese on me; I thought 'That’s mature'!

These were from someones Facebook account. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.