03 June 2011

Singles, Marrieds, & Crocks

Is it OK for singles to hang out with members of the opposite sex that are married?

Chances are as soon as you read that you answered automatically. It's not a question you had to think about. What surprises me is that there are a lot of people that don't answer that the same way I do.

To me, it is a matter of integrity. I don't allow (or try not to) put myself in situations that could be deemed in any other light other than what is intended. So it also means that I don't spend time with a married man without his wife present. Does it mean I don't have friends that are married and men? No. It means I choose not to spend time with them alone, or have intimate heart to heart conversations with them without their wife present.

There are lines, and while very fine it's important not to cross them. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where even if there was nothing to hide people around me started to wonder. Why would I open myself up to being "the other woman" even if only on an emotional level.

This is somewhat a controversial blog post for me. If you have been one of my readers you will notice that I haven't written anything for a number of months. This blog was supposed to be for fun and to talk about dating as a single mom. While I really didn't have any trouble writing about shoes (men are like shoes) when it was nothing serious, I didn't really want to write about someone I really cared about. (Well and when I know the shoes are reading it's a little weird)

So hear is where I introduce you to Crocks.

Crocks and I had mutual friends for something like 15 years. He had dated a friend back then and went on to marry another lady have 2 kids and is now divorced. Crocks and I met this year for the first time and hit it off right away. There were sparks and lots of gooey feelings. Certainly more than I would like to admit.

Problem #1 - Mutual friends.

Gossip and opinions ran rampant. Hurtful things were said about both of us. Friendships ended.

Problem #2 - Married Friends & Boundaries

This was really the big one. Well for me anyway. Remember I said he dated a friend of mine many years ago? Well she is married with kids now and does not share my view on appropriate boundaries in marriage and neither did Crocks. Worse yet she had feelings for him and let him know. Crocks knowing this still encouraged a friendship with her that was wholly inappropriate. For her this was an emotional affair. When he should have been encouraging her to turn to her husband he encouraged her to spend time alone with him.

Can you see where this ended up?

 Well not that the entire situation is ended just any involvement on my part is. There was heartbreak and confusion and again friends lost.

I wasn't going to write about it at all but now that there has been some distance from the situation I decided to talk about it. I learned a very valuable lesson in this. It is important to make sure the person you are with shares your morals and values. Even more important is as the bible says to guard your heart. It's not wise to throw all caution to the wind in these matters. Slow down and ask questions get to know the person and where they stand on these issues.

So now that you know my little story I will tell you. He is Crocks because while he was comfortable and seemed to offer support, really he was full of holes and had no grip on reality.

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